Laughter Goes a Long Way!

Heavenly Entrance Exam:

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him  at
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100
points to make it into heaven.  You give me the right answers to certain
questions, and I give you a certain number of points for each item,
depending on how good it  was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

First, tell me what good things you've done in your life.  "Okay,"
the man says. "I was married to the same woman for 50  years and never
cheated on her, even in my heart." "That's wonderful," says St. Peter,
"that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and
supported  its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a
shelter for homeless veterans." "Fantastic, that's good for two more
points," he says.

"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I'll ever
get into heaven is by the grace of God."

"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

--Becky Lawrence

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The
man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city,
but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
 
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were
2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
 
How did you know?" his mother asked.
 
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom."

CLOCKS IN HEAVEN!!
A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St.
Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here!

Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere.
It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant warehouse.
Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, "What's the
deal with all the clocks?"
St. Peter replied, "They keep track of everybody on earth. There is a clock
for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one
minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you
watch it closely, it will move any second.
CLICK..The minute hand on Sam's clock moved forward one minute.
CLICK..It moved forward another minute.
"Sam must be closing on a deal right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand
on his clock moves all day long."
The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered
with cobwebs. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man. "That clock belongs to
the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock
hasn't moved in a year or two."
They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends.

When the tour was finished, the man said,"I've
seen everyone's clock but one. Where is President Clinton's clock kept?"
St. Peter smiled and said, "Look up there. We use it for a ceiling fan."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around,
 looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place into his
 sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."

 He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
 When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
 himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the
 flashlight back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he
 pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a
 bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

 Totally rattled, he shone his flashlight around frantically, looking for
 the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room,
 his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 "Did you say that"? He hissed at the parrot."Yes," the parrot confessed,
 then squawked, "I`m just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed.

 "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are anyway?"
 "Moses," replied the parrot.
 "Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot
 `Moses?"
 The parrot quickly answered, "The same kind of people that would name a
 Rottweiler, Jesus."

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy "So your
mother says your prayers for you each night? Very
commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

Be careful of what we say!  Most likely it will be repeated!

"Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language.  Where
did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it." he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it
means."

"I do, too." Jeffrey corrected.  "It means the car won't start."

A local pastor joined a community service club, and the members
thought they would have some fun with him. Under his name on the
badge they printed "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made
a big fanfare as the badge was presented. The pastor responded
by saying: "Well, I'm usually called the Shepherd of the Sheep' .....
but you know your people better than I do."

Please take time out of your busy lives to check your

toilet paper stockpile. Make sure it's Y2K compliant!!!

    Word has it, if it isn't, come Jan 1, 2000, it will roll

    back to 1900, then turn into Sears Catalogs!!!!! 
 
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!      :-)