More Laughter to go on...
Have an Extra-Specially Fun Time At Wal-Mart!
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts
when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute
intervals
throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to
the
restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone,
"I
think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what
happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them
all off
and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift
wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted
areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others
you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and
ask, "Why
won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a
mirror
while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full
scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the
clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the
restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
"Mission
Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the
store.
18. In the auto department, practice your
"Madonna" look with
various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say
things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume
the
fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices
again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink;
explain that
you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella
in
it.
22. Go into the dressing room and yell real
loud..."Hey, we're out
of toilet paper in here!"
Adult Resignation . . . . .
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an
adult. I
have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an
8 year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star
restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make
ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can
eat
them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand
with
my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all
you
knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery
rhymes, but
that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't
know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware
of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and
good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist
of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news,
how
to survive more days in the month than there is money in the
bank,
doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word,
truth,justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and
making
angels in the snow.
So....here's my checkbook and my car_keys, my credit card bills
and my 401K statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want
to
discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause,
"Tag! You're it."
This isn't totally on-topic, but I learned from
my aunt a way to
complain that always gets results, and sometimes gets
rewards! She
does it with humor, and the problem is almost always corrected
swiftly and cheerfully.
Here's an example: (I sent it to a local Wal-Mart after
repeatedly
finding their bathroom an awful mess.)
To Whom it May Concern;
The following account happened to me in your store, and my intent
is
sincere.
Ode to the Commode
As I was shopping in Wal-Mart today,
Enjoying low prices galore,
My young offspring told me her bladder was full;
I had ten seconds, not one bit more!
I whisked her up quickly and ran at full speed,
Desperately begging her, "Wait!"
I zigged through the sporting goods, zagged through the toys;
Crying, "She must urinate!"
Soon we arrived at the Ladies' Room door
In just slightly less than a wink;.
But Oh! Our poor noses! For as we went in,
We smelled the most hideous stink!
Quickly we realized the source of the stench;
For all over counter and floor
Were puddles and garbage and T.P. and mud;
Alas! I had seen it before!
I warily opened the door of the stall
And what awful sight met my eyes?
Smeared on the toilet seat there was what's known
(In my house) as Diaper Surprise.
But what could I do? In my arms was my daughter;
I would not; could not put her there!
Despairing, I held her out over the toilet
As she did her deed in mid-air!
I humbly beseeched of an aproned employee,
"This bathroom's not fit to be used!"
She asked me to tell the cashier at McDonald's
Who stared at me, fully confused.
Now please understand I've been living for years
And all of that time, had a bladder;
But Wal-Mart's facilities rank 'neath an outhouse
On any John Cleanliness ladder.
You'd do well to try out the restroom at Target;
They clean every spot, vast or tiny!
They've pleasant aromas in spite of their purpose;
And all of the porcelain's shiny!
In closing, I ask you, please keep the john clean;
For next time it's foul, please be sure
My money, my daughter, and her little bladder
Will frequent a tidier store.
I spent more than two hours in the beauty shop
getting my hair permed,
cut and styled. Relieved to be done, I went up to the
receptionist to
pay. "Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully.
"And who's your
appointment with today?" - Kenna Latwesen in Reader's Digest
A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.
"How can I help
you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair
transplant," the
guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can
make my hair look like yours without causing me any
discomfort, I'll pay you $5000." "No problem,"
said the
stylist, and she quickly shaved her head.