Smiles and Chuckles
GOD IS PRESENT
For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has
a
positive answer for it.
You say: "It's impossible"
God says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: I love you (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: "I can't go on"
God says: My grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm
91:15)
You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: I will direct your steps (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it"
God says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able"
God says: I am able (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: It will be worth it (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: I FORGIVE YOU (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage"
God says: I will supply all your needs (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear (II Timothy 1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: Cast all your cares on ME (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: I've given everyone a measure of faith (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: I give you wisdom (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: I will never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews
13:5)
This is from a San Diego father who has
identified 35 truths he learned from
his children:
1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller
blades they can ignite.
3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
Superman cape.
5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four
walls of a 20 x
20 ft. room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the
ball up several
times before you get a hit.
8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"uh-oh" it is already too
late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke-lots of it.
13. A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a
60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball
shoes, it
does not leak. It explodes.
16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a
2,000-sq.-ft. house
almost 4 inches deep.
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same
sentence.
20. Super Glue is forever.
21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
22. So can Tarzan.
23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still
can't walk on
water.
24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV
commercials show they
do.
26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.
29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute
response time.
32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
33. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in
life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
STUPID PEOPLE WHO NEED SIGNS:
They should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm
stupid." That way you
wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything.
It
would
be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your
sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved from Rhode Island to
Florida, our
house was full of boxes and there were movers everywhere loading
up a
tractor trailer in our parking area. My neighbor comes over and
says,
"Hey, You moving?" "Nope. We just pack our
stuff up once or twice a week
just to see how many boxes it takes to fill up that United Movers
semi.
Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago a buddy of mine went fishing. As he
pulled his
boat into the dock, he lifted up this big 'ol stringer of
bass and this
idiot on the dock says, "Hey, you catch all them
fish?" "Nope. Talked
'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery
Channel, there
was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. There's only one way to
test
that.... "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it
looks good....
they want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us
if it
hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right...hold my
sign, I don't wanna
lose it."
Last time I was home I was driving around and got a flat
tire. I pulled
my Avenger into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations,
the
attendant
walks out, looks at my car, looks at me and I SWEAR he said,
"Tire go
flat?" I couldn't resist I said, "Nope. I was driving
around and those
other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
I was trying to sell my Mustang about a year ago before our
move to
Florida. A guy came over for a test drive and drove the car
around for
about 45 minutes before finally getting back to the house. He
gets out of
the car, pops up the hood, checks the oil, transmission fluid and
then
reaches down and grabs the radiator cap. Surprise is all over his
face as
he says, "Damn that's hot!" See.....If he'd been
wearing his sign, I
could have stopped him.
Know anyone who needs a sign?
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a
conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it
feel to freeze to
death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second
man.
"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers
and toes.
But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb
and you
kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you,
how did
you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You
see, I knew my wife
was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I
ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran
down to
the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up
to the
second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as
fast as
I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive
heart
attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he
says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both
still be
alive."