More Laughter :)...
THREE OLD MEN
Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen
to
them at this time in their lives.
The 80 year-old said:
"The best thing that could happen to me is to have a good
pee.
I just stand there and it just dribbles and hurts, and I have to
go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said:
The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have a good
bowel
movement. I take every kind laxative I can get my hands on and it
is still a problem."
The 90 year-old man said: "That's not my problem.
Every morning at 6:00am sharp I have a good long pee and at
6:30am
sharp I have a great bowel movement.
The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up
before 7:00am."
Worse Than Evil Incarnate?
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town
of Johnstown
got up early and went to the local church. Before the services
started, the
townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their
lives, their
families, etc.
Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the
congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one
elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly
oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this
confused Satan
a bit, so he walked
up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of
me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years."
A mother noticed that it was about time for
school to dismiss and
since it looked like it would rain, she drove toward the school
to
pick up her eight year old daughter.
She turned down the street to see her daughter running towards
her
down the sidewalk. A lightning bolt flashed and the little girl
looked
up towards the sky, smiled and then began running towards her
mother's
car.
Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl
looked
towards the sky, smiled and resumed running. This happened
several
more times until the little girl finally arrived at where her
mother
was parked.
Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange behavior.
"Why did you keep stopping and smiling at the sky," she
asked her
daughter.
"I had to, mommy. God was taking my picture."
http://www.klean-jokes.com
"Kids' Little Instructions On Life"
"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are
twitching."
- Andrew, Age 9
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the
morning."
- Stephanie, age 8
"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your
parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9
"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11
"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?'
don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16
"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball
bat."
- Joel, age 12
"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13
"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11
"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's
hand."
- Molly, age 11
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7
"Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family
car."
- Phillip, age 13
"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8
"Remember the two places you are always welcome-church
and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11
"When you want something expensive, ask your
grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12
Another Batch of Bulletin Bloopers
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...
We have received word of sudden passing
of Rev. Smith this morning during
the worship service. Now let's sing
"Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow."
This Sunday morning following services
we will have our monthly feelowship.
Glory of God to all and peas to his people on earth
Applications are now being accepted
for 2 year-old nursery workers.
Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.
The pastor will light his candle from the altar candles.
The ushers will light their candle from the pastor's candle.
The ushers will turn and light each worshipper in the first pew.
Song Lyrics: What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins
and briefs to bear.
Church sign:
Jesus Saves!
Safeway sign across the street:
Safeway saves you more!
This one I said myself during the congregational
prayer when leading prayer for our unsaved loved ones:
Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.
Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring
individual who loves hurting people.