Keep on Smiling...
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to
Heaven for
orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you
are in your
casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would
you like to
hear them say about you?"
The first guy
immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say
that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great
family man."
The second guy says,
"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our
children of
tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a
minute and replies, "I'd like to hear they
say......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
A dog thinks: Hey, those people I
live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me,
and take good care of me.....
They must be gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I
live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me,
and take good care of me.....
I must be a god.
What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they
want.
2) They rarely listen
to you.
3) They're totally
unpredictable.
4) They whine when
they are not happy.
5) When you want to
play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be
alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to
cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair
everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and
cost you money.
Conclusion: They're tiny little
women in fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all
day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece
of
furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a
package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb
and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when
they are not happy.
5) When you want to
play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be
alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at
begging.
8) They will love you
forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They can never have
enough toys and they leave them everywhere.
10) They do disgusting
things with their mouths and then try to give
you
a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny little
men in fur coats.
Dear Santa,
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't
need diamond
earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one
little
thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. Now,
hear me out,
Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one
good smack,
right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just
thinking
about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for
thousands of women across the country.Through sheer vicarious
satisfaction,
you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average,
garden
variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We
feel pretty good
about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on
the counter,
buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us
how to make
centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're
plumb out of
liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.
We can't whip up
Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most
of us can't even
say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it. OK, Santa,
maybe you
think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the
holiday rush you
didn't catch that interview with Martha in last
week's USA Weekend. I'm
surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We
discovered
that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only
ordered it once),
she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha
Stewart Living?). When
it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied,
"I don't have a
microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted
that she said this "in a
tone that suggests you shouldn't either." Well
lah-dee-dah. Imagine that,
Santa. That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in
which I've learned
to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate,
has been declared
undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker? In the
article,
we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire
wall in her
home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And
neatly put away, no less.
If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as
"put away" in my
house.Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts
for
friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for
everyone,"she
boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves.
Martha's obviously
not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In
fact, she does so
with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is
black and blue. She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is
glamour for the 90s" and
says her most glamorous friends are "interested
in stain removal, how to
iron a monogram, how to fold a towel." I have
one piece of advice,
Martha: get new friends. Glamorous friends fly to Paris on
a whim. They drift past
the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal
goblets. They
step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked
away by tuxedoed
chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the
finer art of
toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of
America's 25
most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother
Theresa, Madeline
Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of
Martha's influence:
after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha
says,
"People saw me buy them. In an instant, they
were all
gone." I hope Martha never decides to
jump off a bridge. A guest in
Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade
with her
dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms
what
I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got
too much time on
her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a
show off. If you think
the dogs are spoiled,listen to how Martha treats her friends: She
gave one
friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't
cost much.
Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price a
friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't
envy me. I'm
doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You
shouldn't envy teachers.
You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a
seam in Martha's ego at this
point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be
held back.
"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only
admirable. Never
lower your standards," says Martha.
And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself
an"important
presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad,
tacky little
lives. There you have it, Santa. If there was ever
someone who deserved
a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my
gift this year.
You probably want to smack her yourself.
Three blond men are stranded on one side of a
wide river and don't
know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out
how to
cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he
swims
across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God
turns him
into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all,
so
God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.