Smile, someone loves you!

"Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store
commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a
lot of it die anyway.  Now I'm supposed to winterize it?  I hope
it's too late.  Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've
come up with outside of thong swimsuits!  We constantly battle
dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover
that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed
through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
 
Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis
about this:
 
"Frank you know all about gardens and nature.  What in the world is
going on down there in the Midwest?  What happened to the
dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago?  I had a
perfect, no-maintenance garden plan.  Those plants grow in any type
of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon.  The nectar
from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and
flocks of songbirds.  I expected to see a vast garden of colors by
now.  But all I see are these green rectangles."
 
"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord.  The Suburbanites.  They
started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to
kill them and replace them with grass."
 
"Grass?  But it's so boring.  It's not colorful.  It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms.  It's
temperamental with temperatures.  Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?"
 
"Apparently so, Lord.  They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
green.  They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
 
"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really
fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
 
"Apparently not, Lord.  As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -
sometimes twice a week."
 
"They cut it?  Do they then bale it like hay?"
 
"Not exactly, Lord.  Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
 
"They bag it?  Why?  Is it a cash crop?  Do they sell it?"
 
"No, sir.  Just the opposite.  They pay to throw it away."
 
"Now let me get this straight.  They fertilize grass so it will
grow.  And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it
away?"
 
"Yes, sir."
 
"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
on the rain and turn up the heat.  That surely slows the growth and
saves them a lot of work."
 
"You aren't going believe this Lord.  When the grass stops growing
so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
 
"What nonsense!  At least they kept some of the trees.  That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.  The trees grow
leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer.  In
the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to
keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.  Plus,
as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil.  It's a
natural circle of life."
 
"You better sit down, Lord.  The Suburbanites have drawn a new
circle.  As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
and have them hauled away."
 
"No!  What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
 
"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they
call mulch.  They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."
 
"And where do they get this mulch?"
 
"They cut down trees and grind them up."
 
"Enough!  I don't want to think about this anymore.  Saint
Catherine, you're in charge of the arts.  What movie have you
scheduled for us tonight?"
 
"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
 
"Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
 
Received from Ramona F Crain.

All I really needed to know, I learned from Noah's Ark

1.  Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2.  Stay fit. When you're 600 years old,someone might ask you to do
    something REALLY big.
3.  Don't listen to critics-do what has to be done.
4.  Build on high ground.
5.  For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6.  Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board,
    but so were the snails.
7.  If you can't fight or flee-float!
8.  Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
9.  Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
10. Stay below deck during the storm.
11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
    built by professionals.
12. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat
than the storm outside.
13. Don't miss the boat.
14. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the
other side.
15. When God shuts the door on this world for the last time, be sure
    YOU are on the right side.

Pilot to tower . . .  pilot to tower . . .  I am 300 miles from land . . .
600 feet over water . . .  and running out of fuel . . .  please instruct!

Tower to pilot . . .  tower to pilot . . .repeat after me:   "Our
Father, which art in heaven . . ."

A young man who had been raised as an atheist was training to be an
Olympic diver. The only religious influence in his life came from his
outspoken Christian friend. The young diver never really paid much
attention to his friends sermons, but he heard them often.
 
One night the diver went to the indoor pool at the college he attended.
The lights were all off, but as the pool had big skylights and the moon
was bright, there was plenty of light to practice by.
 
The young man climbed up to the highest diving board and as he turned his
back to the pool on the edge of the board and extended his arms out, he
saw his shadow on the wall.
 
The shadow of his body  was in the shape of a cross. Instead of diving, he
knelt down and asked God to come into his life.  As the young man stood, a
maintenance man walked in and turned the lights on.
 
The pool had been drained for repairs

Bob and the Lord stood by to observe a baseball game. The Lord's team
was playing Satan's team. The Lord's team was at bat, the score was tied
zero to zero, and it was the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs.
They continued to watch as a batter stepped up to the plate whose name
was Love. Love swung at the first pitch and hit a single, because Love
never fails.  The next batter was named Faith, who also got a single
because Faith works with Love.  The next batter up was named Godly
wisdom. Satan wound up and threw the first pitch. Godly Wisdom looked it
over and let it pass: Ball one. Three more pitches and Godly Wisdom
walked, because Godly wisdom never swings at what Satan throws.  The
bases were loaded. The Lord then turned to Bob and told him He was now
going to bring in His star player. Up to the plate stepped Grace.  Bob
said "He sure doesn't look like much!" Satan's whole team relaxed when
they saw Grace. Thinking he had won the game, Satan wound up and fired
his first pitch. To the shock of everyone, Grace hit the ball harder
than anyone had ever seen.  But Satan was not worried; his center
fielder let very few get by. He went up for the ball, but it went right
through his glove, hit him on the head and sent him crashing on the
ground; then it continued over the fence for a home run! The Lord's team
won.  The Lord then asked Bob if he knew why Love, Faith, and Godly
Wisdom could get on base but could not win the game. Bob answered that
he did not know why.  The Lord explained, "If your love, faith and
wisdom had won the game you would think you had done it by yourself.
Love, faith and wisdom will get you on base, but only My Grace can get
you home.  My Grace is the one thing Satan cannot steal.
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(author unknown)