What we've learned this year

You can learn a lot from baseball. This summer, we've learned a lot more than usual:

Even the most sissy-assed of your achievements can be the one that means the most. Heck, hit one 341 feet, it's the shortest of your life, and it puts you in the history books.
The universal greeting should be that bump-two-fists-over-your-head, then-swing-the-arms-down-and-pretend-to-punch-the-other-guy-in-the-stomach thing.
Sammy Sosa's an even cooler guy than we thought, even dating back to when he was a raw prospect for the Rangers, and when we had him on a school Rotisserie team.
When you catch a baseball, sometimes you have to make a choice -- your principles, or your kids' futures?
Normally, there's something called a Gift Tax that might prevent you from giving a million dollar baseball to its rightful recipient.
But sometimes they change their mind on that.
No matter how excited you are, and how much you want to celebrate with your first base coach, always remember to touch the bag.
Sometimes, you've just got to jump into the stands to hug people.
Touching a great former player's bat to your heart works every time.
"Grounds crew, Busch Stadium" is sometimes the best job description in the world -- at least for one night.
Even 37 years later, Ford Frick can still stick it up his asterisk.
It's okay to miss school if your dad's about to break a 37-year-old record (of course, we knew this one already).
If your dad hits 62 homers in 145 games, you're certain to get a lot of free rides, be they in his arms or in his new '62 Corvette.
To surrender a single-season record-breaking home run, one of one's initials must be "T," and the other must have an 's' sound, so must be either "S" or "Z."
Oh, right -- Steve Trachsel allowed more homers than any other NL'er last year.
Everyone else on the field can cheer, but the pitcher must stand with hands on hips until the celebration ends.
The catcher must go out to stay with that pitcher, but he must fight back that smile (there was a great replay of this. Servais looks like he's about to crack up laughing).
Hit enough home runs, and all of a sudden the words "Monica Lewinsky," "Russia," and "Dow Jones Industrial Average" lose all meaning (not that that's a bad thing).
If someone's gonna remember what you and Jose Canseco did ten years ago, be thankful it's the forearm bash.
It's pronounced "Andro-STEEN-die-ohn."
No one quite agrees on what it does, or whether or not it's harmful.
It wasn't developed until McGwire had already hit his 49 homers in 1987.
Mark really wasn't done in the early 1990s.
There will be many 20-somethings digging through their closets for their 1985 and 1987 Topps baseball cards this week. If not to sell Nos. 401 and 366 respectively, just to have them out.
As a point of comparison, in July 1997 the 1985 Olympic Topps card was valued at $20, while the 1987 A's rookie was a buck and a quarter.
Those values have gone up just a little since then.
He didn't go yard on 3-0 at all this year...
...though he went big fly on every other count.
It takes three hours, 35 minutes to get one of those "We're goin' to Disney World!" commercials on the air (at least, that's when I saw the first one. 12:53 a.m. EDT, on ESPN).
You can make a run at 40-40, and no one will notice (sorry, A-Rod).
We may never again hear Phil Rizzuto yell "Fastball hit deep to right, this could be it! Way back there! Holy Cow, he did it! Sixty-one for Maris!"
Sometimes, Mom cries when she's watching a ballgame.
Wait: Mom's watching a ballgame?
Roger Maris's sons all look eerily like him in one way or another.
If only because of 1960-1962, Roger Maris belongs in the Hall of Fame (of course, we knew THAT one already, too).
Once you get to 50 by September, the pressure comes off a bit, and you start to enjoy things a little bit.
Sometimes, the most fundamental facts of your universe get completely obliterated.
Sometimes, that's not such a bad thing.
It's okay to cheer for a guy on the other team once in a while.
It's okay to hug a guy on the other team once in a while.
Heroes can be bigger than life, and entirely human at the same time.

Congrats to the big man -- once again, as Red Smith once wrote, reality has strangled invention. Sixty-two. Go figure.

Anchored the boring homepage, 9/8/98-10/22/98.

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Michael Fornabaio--mmef17@yahoo.com