Introduction

Stephen		Well Hugh, here's the book.

Hugh		Absolutely.

Stephen		Well put. (Slight pause) So, any advice for someone
		who's just picked this book up, say, in one of the
		many fresh, clean High Street bookshops that
		stock this important new work and is considering,
		if not making a purchase, then at least slipping it
		down his or her trouser or trousers?

Hugh		Well Stephen, I'd like firstly to congratulate the
		potential thief on his or her good taste or tastes,
		but I'd like to follow up that congratulation quite
		smartly with a caveat or warning.

	Hugh breaks off and looks over Stephen's shoulder or
	shoulders. There is a longish pause.

Stephen		Yes. I'm busy wondering what the nature of that
		caveat or warning might be, Hugh.

Hugh		(Jerking back) I'm sorry, I thought I saw something
	dark, vivid and unpleasant.

Stephen		It must have been your imagination.

Hugh		Probably. No, the caveat, rejoinder, admonishment
		or warning I would make to the potential thief
		of this book is this. No matter who you are, no
		matter what your name is, no matter how far
		away you run, no matter how you try to disguise
		yourself with towels and the cunning application
		of coloured yoghurts, no matter what lengths you
		go to, no matter how well you protect yourself, we
		will seek you out and destroy you.

Stephen		Eventually.

Hugh		We will destroy you eventually. And when
		we do ...

Stephen		Well ...

Hugh		Exactly.

Stephen		So. Just remember. You can run, but you
		can't hop.

Hugh		We'll be there. Across the street. In dark glasses.

Stephen		Arms folded.

Hugh		Watching.

Stephen		In silent reproach.

Hugh		So just you trot over to the desk and pay the nice
		lady cash money for this book.

Stephen		Apart from anything else, you'll find that if you
		don't none of the jokes will be at all funny.

Hugh		That's right. Every sketch will have a punchline
		limper than ...

Stephen		Limper than ...

Hugh		Limper than a very limp thing that's especially
		limp today.

Stephen		Exactly. But hey! That's the heavy part over with.
		Let's tell the average honest and surprisingly pretty
		punter a little bit about the genesis of this book, shall
		we Hugh?

Hugh		This book doesn't have a genesis, Stephen. You're
		thinking of the bible.

Stephen		Ha, what a very nearly laughable misunderstanding,
		Hugh. I meant "genesis" in the sense of "beginning
		or inception".

Hugh		(Wiping his eyes with laughter) Oh! I see! And I
		thought ...

Stephen		(Falling about) Dear oh dear.

	They pick themselves up off the floor at length.

		No, this book came about as a result, didn't
		it Hugh, of enormous commercial pressure to
		make the written texts of A Bit of Fry And Laurie
		available to the public at large.

Hugh		When you say "enormous commercial pressure" you
		mean ... ?

Stephen		I mean some drunken overpaid publishing
		executive thought it might be a good way of
		staving off their eventual dismissal.

Hugh		Right.

Stephen		We wrote these sketches over a period of ...
		what, Hugh?

Hugh		Over a period of time, if I remember rightly.

Stephen		Over a period of months between June and
		December 1987.

Hugh		When the world was young and everything seemed
		slightly frilly.

Stephen		Why did we write these sketches, you may ask?

Hugh		Well, let me turn that question round and say
		"Why did we sketch these writes, you may ask?"

Stephen		Let me turn that question round and say "Why did
		we write these sketches, you ask may?"

Hugh		Because they were there.

Stephen		No, Hugh, because they weren't there. That's the
		whole point. Amazingly, no-one had written those
		sketches before.

Hugh		The Pythons had written something pretty similar
		though hadn't they?

	Stephen looks uncomfortable.

Stephen		(Through clenched teeth) Shut up, Hugh.

Hugh		Sorry.

Stephen		No, as we say these sketches are the original
		children of our minds.

Hugh		They're our babies.

Stephen		In a sense, yes. In a wholly unacceptable sense.

Hugh		Yes, because that's not to imply that we literally
		went to bed together, introduced various fleshy
		nozzles into each other's warm places and then
		gave birth to a pile of paper covered in amusing
		sketch material, is it Stephen?

Stephen		Hugh.

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		Shut your bleeding neck for a moment will you?

Hugh		Right-o.

Stephen		These sketches are for your perusalment and
		enjoyage to do with what you will.

Hugh		Within certain rather exciting legal parameters.

Stephen		That's right. We ought to mention that you can't
		actually perform these sketches in public to a fee-
		paying audience.

Hugh		Though why anyone should want to perform these
		sketches in public beats me with a wet napkin.

Stephen		Oh I don't know Hugh.

Hugh		Don't you?

Stephen		No.

Hugh		Oh.

Stephen		Imagine your plane has been hijacked by a gang of
		terrorists and their leader, a rather desperate
		character called Miguel, threatens to shoot all
		the passengers unless someone can perform the
		"Haircut" sketch in the Club Class lavatory.

Hugh		Of course you're right. How silly of me.

Stephen		Well in those circumstances it would be quite
		illegal for you to accede to his wishes.

Hugh		Quite right. We do not deal with terrorists.

Stephen		All we can suggest is that you volunteer to write
		a sketch very similar to "Haircut", and that you'll
		promise to have it finished and in rehearsal by the
		time you reach Libyan air space.

Hugh		Yes. Just remember that Miguel's bark is much
		worse than his bite.

Stephen		And he cannot bear split infinitives.

Hugh		So that's got that out of the way. Anything else
		that the discerning consumer need know in order
		to extract maximum reading pleasure from these
		pages, Stephen?

Stephen		Oh just the basics. Consult your GP, wipe down
		all surfaces with a damp dry cloth, and do not go
		to sleep with your head on a railway line.

Hugh		Sound advice. Although Stephen, isn't there
		one vital step you should take before consulting
		your GP?

Stephen		Absolutely, Hugh. Before consulting your GP,
		please please please consult your GP.

Hugh		For those of you reading in black and white,
		Stephen put a lot of emphasis on that third
		"please".

Stephen		Yes. Although I hope I didn't completely neglect
		the first two.

Hugh		Of course not.

Stephen		Once you've taken those basic, common sense
		measures, it's just a question of relaxing, kicking
		off your shoes, slipping into a loose-fitting kimono
		and going over to the cash desk to buy this book.

Hugh		Although if you've read this far without buying it,
		we can only assume that it's raining pretty heavily
		outside.

Stephen		Looks as if it's brightening a bit over there ...

Hugh		D'you know, you may be right ...