Introduction

Stephen		Well, Hugh?

Hugh		Fine thanks.

Stephen		Exactly. Now that, I believe, is an example of
		the kind of "joke" the ladies and gentlemen are
		entitled not to expect over the coming ... oh, how
		long d'you reckon?

Hugh		I think the average person could get through this
		book, cover to cover, reading every single word, in
		something under three months. Give or take. I mean
		don't rush it. Don't forego quality weekend time with
		your spouse or partner just to make that deadline. It's
		simply a rule of thumb.

Stephen		Mm. You're not a fast reader, are you Hugh?

Hugh		What I like to say is, I may not be fast, but I'm gentle.

Stephen		All right, that's enough soft-soap and fragrance-free
		conditioner. What about the hard facts and odour-rich
		detail? Will this book mean an increase in personal
		taxation?

Hugh		Certainly our hope at the moment is that the
		book will be financed largely by the tooth fairy.

Stephen		Hmm.

Hugh		Stephen?

Stephen		Yes, my old pen-caddie?

Hugh		I noticed that when you made that "hmm" noise,
		your eyes flicked towards the telephone, as if to
		say I wonder what my chances are of calling for
		help before I am horribly butchered in another one
		of those cases one seems to read about almost every
		day now?

Stephen		Hmm.

Hugh		There you go again.

Stephen		Right.

Hugh		Now I can't help but observe that you're moving
		sideways towards the door, while keeping what seems
		to be a relaxed and cheerful expression on your face.

	There follows an incredibly long pause which, thanks to 
	the miracle of modern book technology, you can experience 
	in a fraction of the time - leaving you free to get on with 
	the things that really matter. Your garden, for instance -
	or perhaps you're a bit of a DIY addict? Or maybe it's just 
	a question of loafing round the house in a comfortable pair 
	of hats.

Stephen		OK. Time to get serious.

Hugh		Crikey.

Stephen		The more observant among you will have noticed
		that this collection of scripts from A Bit Of Fry & 
		Laurie is a "tad" fatter than in days gone by.

Hugh		Fatter?

Stephen		Plumper. Wider. Broader in the beam. Differently-
		girthed. Widthly-challenged.

Hugh		Fatter.

Stephen		Precisely. Now there's a reason for this. And that
		is that this great lardy zeppelin of a blubber-book
		contains not one, not two, not four, not five, but
		six, yes, that's right, three whole editions between
		the covers.

Hugh		Stephen, have they gone mad, the publishers and
		retailers of this book? Do they not realise that this in
		itself represents quite extraordinary value for money?

Stephen		I don't know, Hugh. I really don't. You try to reason
		with people, to steer them in the right direction, but
		sometimes you may just as well wear a calf-length
		purple kaftan and have done with it.

Hugh		You're trying that course of action now, I see.

Stephen		I had to, Hugh. It may be futile, but I had to try it.
		If I ever thought there was a chance of saving this
		once-mighty publishing empire from financial ruin,
		and that I hadn't taken that chance, I just wouldn't
		be able to sleep with myself. I'm a giver, you see.

Hugh		Stephen, sometimes I quite admire you.

Stephen		Oh stop that. It's fool's talk, and we haven't much
		time.

Hugh		Ten-four.

Stephen		The threeness-in-oneness of this book is being
		talked about in pubs and clubs up and down the room
		we're now in. Not since the Ford Motor Company
		published the Workshop Manuals of the Cortina Marks
		1, 2 and 3, in the same handy stowaway folder, has
		such a publishing phenomenon occurred. History
		may look upon it as a grandiose folly. Or it may
		say, hell, they took the chance, they rode the tiger,
		they caught some stardust, who are we to say they
		were wrong? We can't predict. We simply do not know
		whether A Bit Of Fry & Laurie will even be on the
		History syllabus in fifty years' time.

Hugh		Stephen, the picture you're painting is a horrifying
		one.

Stephen		I know. But it helps me to concentrate. Just lift
		your chin a little. There, that's perfect.

Hugh		Well, I suppose it falls to me to restate the dull, dry legal
		warnings. To the effect that you may not perform any
		of the material contained herewithin to a fee-paying
		audience without the prior written consent of the
		authors. And that your home is at risk if you do
		not keep up repayments on any loan or mortgage
		secured against it. And that the manufacturers accept
		no responsibility for you driving into a motorway
		bridge at eighty miles an hour on your way back
		from a Cluedo party. And that in the event of you
		ever wanting to make a claim against this policy, we
		moved, we never heard of you, whistle for it suckers.
		And so on and so forth.

Stephen		But, hey, in the words of the song, it's not all
		doom and gloom.

Hugh		No, of course not. Lots to be cheerful about.

Stephen		Tons. Sally Gunnell got that gold medal in the
		400 metres hurdles.

Hugh		Well there you are. The Hexham bypass has been
		shelved until at least 1996 ...

Stephen		Bob's Full House has been moved to the earlier time
		of 7.15 ...

Hugh		In fact a whole raft of feel-good factors seem to
		be at work, making Britain a happier place to live.

Stephen		And if we've done our part ...

Hugh		Thrown our twopen'orth in ...

Stephen		... then ...

Hugh		... then ...

Stephen		... maybe ...

Hugh		... just maybe ...

Stephen		... it's all been ...

Hugh		... a massive error.

Stephen		Unforgiveable.

Hugh		We're very sorry.

Stephen		Very sorry indeed.