Firing

	Stephen is sitting at a desk. Hugh knocks and enters.


Stephen		Ah, Terry, thanks for dropping by.

Hugh		No problem,

Stephen		Good, good. You got my memo, I take it?

Hugh		The one asking me to drop by?

Stephen		Yeah.

Hugh		Got it this morning.

Stephen		Excellent, excellent.

Hugh		You got mine, hopefully?

Stephen		Yours? I don't think I did, no.

Hugh		It's not important. Just said I would drop by.

Stephen		Right. Probably in my in-tray. I dare say Carol
		will have taken care of it.

Hugh		Right. How is Carol, by the way?

Stephen		Er ... How is Carol. Hold on a sec.

	Stephen presses intercom buzzer.

		Carol?

Carol		(Off) Yes?

Stephen		How are you?

Carol		(Off) Fine, thank you.

Stephen		She's fine.

Hugh		Oh good.

Stephen		I thought she was, but I don't have the paperwork
		in front of me. Anyway. Worth checking.

Hugh		Absolutely.

Stephen		Now Terry. I'd like if I may to go through a little
		recap of your career. You've been with us for nearly
		three years, am I right?

Hugh		Seven actually.

Stephen		Seven, is it really? Seven years. Tscch. There was
		I thinking it was three, when all along it was seven.
		Well thanks for putting me right.

Hugh		No trouble.

	Stephen starts taking notes.

Stephen		Now how would you describe your duties here
		in that time?

Hugh		Well I suppose as personnel manager I guess it's
		been my job to look after the hiring and firing
		around here.

Stephen		The hiring and ...

Hugh		Firing.

Stephen		Firing. Hmm. (Writing) Two "F's" in firing?

Hugh		No, just one.

Stephen		Just one. Firing. Yes of course it's one. One "F" in
		firing. It would look silly with two. Now by firing,
		I take it that you don't mean rifles or anything like
		that? You mean firing in the sense of sacking, or
		dismissing an employee.

Hugh		That's right. Although a rifle would be handy
		every now and then.

Stephen		Would it? Oh my dear chap, you should have said.

Hugh		No, not really.

Stephen		You sure?

Hugh		I've had to give courses of instruction to senior
		management.

Stephen		In how to fire people. You've done wonders, Terry.
		The whole company is massively grateful to you for
		the guidance you've given in how to fire, sack or
		dismiss employees.

Hugh		Well, I aim to please.

Stephen		Ha. Aim to please, and fire to please.

Hugh		Ha ha. Very good.

Stephen		Thanks. Well now, Terry, I need your advice.

Hugh		Fire away. Ha ha.

Stephen		Ha ha ha. That's it exactly. I have to fire away. So
		Terry, let us suppose for a moment, that I wanted
		to fire someone.

Hugh		Right. Well I advise directness and candour.

Stephen		Two s's in directness. Directness and candour.

Hugh		Start off with a brief recap of their career, how
		long they've held their present job ...

Stephen		Done that.

Hugh		... and then tell them, as directly and candidly
		as you can, that they're fired.

Stephen		Just like that?

Hugh		Just like that.

Stephen		So, sort of "Terry, you're fired", you think would
		meet the case?

Hugh		Absolutely.

Stephen		Terry, you're fired.

Hugh		That's it.

Stephen		Right. Good. Er ... Terry?

Hugh		Yup.

Stephen		You're fired.

Hugh		That's perfect.

Stephen		Good, good. Terry, you are actually fired.

Hugh		Yeah, you only have to say it once.

Stephen		Oh do I? I don't have to repeat it?

Hugh		Best not to.

Stephen		So having said, "Terry you're fired" you would
		ideally get up and walk out of the building.

Hugh		Sometimes.

Stephen		Sometimes?

Hugh		Sometimes I might break down in tears and beg
		you to take me back.

Stephen		Oh dear.

Hugh		I know.

Stephen		Well we don't want that.

Hugh		Other times, I would just go very quiet and nod.

Stephen		Well that's more the sort of thing I was hoping
		for, I must say.

Hugh		It varies a lot from case to case. Depends on
		the individual.

Stephen		Hmm. What about you?

Hugh		Me?

Stephen		Would you say that you were a crier, or a
		nodder?

Hugh		Well you never really know until it's happening.

Stephen		I see. I see.

Hugh		I think I'm a nodder.

Stephen		Right. Terry?

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		You're fired.

Hugh		That's great.

Stephen		You're fired.

Hugh		No, just once.

Stephen		Mm. And if the person you want to fire, doesn't
		really take it seriously?

Hugh		That often happens.

Stephen		Does it?

Hugh		Thing to do is to look them right in the eyes
		and tell them.

Stephen		I see.

	Stephen looks deep into Hugh's eyes.

		Terry?

Hugh		Yes?

Stephen		You are ... fired.

Hugh		Just like that, perfect.

Stephen		Good. Excellent. Thank you, Terry.

Hugh		So, is that all?

Stephen		No. There's one other thing. (Searching through 
		paper on his desk) I'm having the most
		tremendous difficulty firing someone. I've followed
		your instruction to the letter, directness with two s's,
		candour, look them in the eye ...

Hugh		And they can't take it on board, can't accept it's
		them, give me their name and department, and I'll
		take care of it for you.

Stephen		Would you Terry? That would be a great burden
		off my shoulders.

	Stephen hands Hugh a piece of paper.

Hugh		That's what I'm here for. Catch you later.

Stephen		Possibly Terry, possibly.

	Hugh exits.

	Stephen sighs.

	Hugh re-enters.

Hugh		You bastard.

Stephen		I thought you said you were a nodder.

Hugh		I lost my sense of smell during
		the Korean War. I was cycling down
		Witford Street, just over there, and
		I got knocked off by a GPO van.
		Never smelt anything since.