Shoe Shop

Hugh		Morning.

Stephen		I beg your pardon?

Hugh		I said good morning.

Stephen		Good morning to you sir. (Calling) Mr Dalliard,
		we have a gentleman in the shop. I have parried his
		opening remark, and we are now having a pleasant
		conversation. (To Hugh) Mr Dalliard will be joining
		us as soon as is likely. Though of course, one says
		good morning, does one not, Mr ... ?

Hugh		Er. Pardoe.

Stephen		One says good morning Mr Jowett, but if you
		would be delicious enough to pop your head out of
		the door (inexplicably impatient) conveniently situated
		just over there for God's sake! - it's far from good. It
		is very very win ... try.

Hugh		Yes. Yes it is, isn't it?

Stephen		Very win ...

Hugh		... try.

Stephen		That's right. Certainly. So. From win ... triness
		to you, young master Jowett. How may we serve?

Hugh		Yes. I was after a pair of shoes.

Stephen		Ah very well. I shall serve them first.

Hugh		No, no. I meant I am looking for a pair of shoes.

Stephen		To buy?

Hugh		To buy.

Stephen		Mr Dalliard. The gentleman wishes to buy a pair
		of shoes. (Pause) Oh, what rotten decomposing luck.
		Mr Dalliard tells me we have no shoes.

Hugh		I must say, you've got very good hearing.

Stephen		I beg your pardon?

Hugh		I didn't hear your Mr Dalliard at all.

Stephen		My Mr Dalliard?

Hugh		Yes, the fellow you ...

Stephen		Oh sir, I've confused you.

Hugh		Have you?

Stephen		Indeed, yes. I should make it clearer than a Waterford
		bed-pan, that Mr Dalliard is most assuredly not my 
		Mr Dalliard. He's everybody's Mr Dalliard. A gift to
		the nation, if you like. As much my Mr Dalliard as
		your Mr Dalliard, or, dare I say it, and I think I dare,
		Gary Lineker's Mr Dalliard.

Hugh		Gary Lineker?

Stephen		So it looks as if you've come to exactly the wrong
		place. I should advise you to turn around, leave by
		the door which is (angry again) still conveniently
		situated just over there for God's sake! (Nice again)
		Walk seventeen paces to your left and enter the shoe
		shop you will find next to a branch of Finlay's the
		tobacco people.

Hugh		This isn't a shoe shop?

Stephen		Good lord and lots else beside, no, Mr Jowett.

Hugh		Well, wh ...

Stephen		This is a place where people come to meet privately
		and talk in an informal, intimate atmosphere with a
		view to enjoying a massage and several rounds of
		sexual intercourse.

Hugh		What?

Stephen		THIS IS A PLACE ...

Hugh		You mean a brothel?

Stephen		I dislike the word brothel, Mr Jowett. I prefer
		to use the word brothels. Yes, this is a brothels.

Hugh		But ... the shoes.

Stephen		Shoes?

Hugh		These - (indicating the large collection of shoes 
		around the place)

Stephen		Those are my prostitutes, Mr Jowett.

Hugh		Prostitutes. You mean people pay to have sex
		with those?

Stephen		Very much of course they pay, Colonel Jowett. I
		am not a charitable organisation, much though the
		evidence may point to my being reasonably tall.

Hugh		Lots of people?

Stephen		Ah. I fancy I detect a wrinkle of concern on your
		otherwise smooth and toboggonable brow. Business
		is not what it was, nor even what it is. It may not
		even be what it will be. We shall see. If it is. If it
		isn't, I may have to consider an early retirement.
		Mr Dalliard, I'm drivelling!

Hugh		Well, I mean really, having sex with shoes.

Stephen		Sir?

Hugh		It seems very ...

Stephen		Very?

Hugh		Very ...

Stephen		Very?

Hugh		Well, very ...

Stephen		Well very?

Hugh		Oh I don't know.

Stephen		Yes it does, doesn't it? VERY oh I don't know.

Hugh		I mean this ... (he picks up a large moccasin)

Stephen		Fredericka is perhaps the most popular moccasin
		in this brothels, Professor Jowett, and I don't care
		who knows it.

Hugh		(Feeling inside with his hand) Well I grant you that
		the lining is very ...

Stephen		Twenty pounds.

Hugh		I'm sorry.

Stephen		Master Anthony Jowett, you have just inserted your
		hand right inside Fredericka's most intimate interior
		partlets. You cannot be expected to do such things
		gratis.

Hugh		Yes but ...

Stephen		Twenty pounds.

Hugh		And that's all I get for twenty pounds is it. A feel?

Stephen		No, no. If you would like to go into the copulatorium
		thither you may take Fredericka and an escort of
		your choice therein and sauce her to your heart's
		con ...

Hugh		... tent, I see. Well, in that case, I suppose ...
		(He reviews the selection of shoes and holds up a small 
		sandal)

Stephen		(Shocked) Sir! It is more than my job's worth. If
		you want that kind of thing, I suggest you go to
		the Philippines.

Hugh		Ah, right. Well, I'll take Fredericka and ... this
		one. (He selects a Chelsea boot)

Stephen		Very good, sir. Fredericka and Colin. Through
		there. You have half an hour.

Hugh		Er ... Colin?

Stephen		I won't tell sir, discretion is my middle letter.
		(Hugh exits. Stephen shouts off) Mr Dalliard, we
		have a three way, see you at the peep-hole!