Sexual Relations

Stephen		I haven't enjoyed sexual relations with my wife now for seven
		or eight years. We still make love every night, it's just that
		I don't enjoy it. Well, that's not good enough, so I decided to
		do something about it.

	He walks down a corridor.

		After all, how much do we really know about love-making? We all
		think we know, don't we? Well, perhaps you'd be surprised. Dr
		Hedges Evan is a sex therapist. He also, I'm told, makes the
		best cup of coffee in North London. Let's find out.

	We're now outside a door. "Dr Hedges Evan".
	Cut to interior of office. Hugh is Hedges Evan.

Hugh		The first thing I always say is this. Don't be afraid to
		experiment and above all don't be afraid to talk things
		through. To do it well takes time. If you're using the drip
		method, then make sure that everything is properly wiped down
		first.

Stephen		(sipping from a cup) Well the results speak for themselves.

Hugh		You're very tall.

Stephen		No, no. I mean it.

Hugh		Well, thank you.

Stephen		Would you say that most couples would benefit from sex therapy,
		Dr Evan?

Hugh		I have a handy little memory-aid to help describe the problems
		that confront most couples. They are the enemies of good sex
		and I refer to them as the two F's, the I, the N, the T and the
		other F. The two F's are Fear and Inhibition, the I is Myth and
		Fallacy, the T is Silence and the other F is Worry.

Stephen		Right ...

Hugh		And the most important of those F's is Ignorance. For instance
		most people are surprisingly ill-informed about the absolute
		basics, the one, B, C's of sex, if you like.

Stephen		Now that's a very interesting point, Doctor.

Hugh		Thanks.

Stephen		What are some of the most common mistakes, would you say?

Hugh		Well, I'll give you a for-instance. I had a couple in here not
		so very long ago, a news-reader and his wife as it happens,
		although it could just as easily have been a wife and her news-
		reader, and they had come to me complaining that their love
		life wasn't really working out. And do you know what the poor
		man had been trying to do?

Stephen		Of course I don't.

Hugh		I mean, I hear some pretty hair-raising stories in this office,
		as you can imagine, but that absolutely took the biscuit. He'd
		been trying to push his penis into his wife's vagina.

Stephen		And that's bad, is it?

Hugh		Well, I mean the idea is grotesque. I can't afford to be
		moralistic or a prude in my job, but I can tell you, I very
		nearly threw up.

Stephen		Mm ...

Hugh		Ignorance, you see. With a capital W.

Stephen		So what did you do?

Hugh		I sat them down, first of all.

Stephen		They'd been standing up through all of this?

Hugh		No, I had sat them down to begin with, but then they stood up
		to show me a couple of things ...

Stephen		Gotcha.

Hugh		And I turned round to them, and I said ...

Stephen		You turned round to them, so you were facing ... ?

Hugh		That wall there.

Stephen		I have a clear picture now.

Hugh		And I talked for nearly twenty minutes ...

Stephen		Did you check your watch?

Hugh		I don't wear a watch. I find it makes me rash.

Stephen		I see.

Hugh		No, I went by the clock above the main entrance.

Stephen		So while you were talking, you weren't actually in the room
		with them?

Hugh		I find it works for me.

Stephen		And what was the result of all this? Satisfied customers?

Hugh		They are now happily divorced, I'm pleased to say.

Stephen		Both of them?

Hugh		Both of them, indeed. The news-reader's career seems to go from
		strength to strength, and his wife is now the President of
		France.

Stephen		Oh good. No chance of another cup, is there?

Hugh		Every chance in Cristendom.