A.I.

	Clive and Imelda are sitting in a waiting-room. Clive is reading a New
	Yorker. He looks puzzled, and passes the mag across to Imelda.


Clive		See that cartoon?

Imelda		Yes?

Clive		What does it mean?

	Imelda looks at it for a while.

Imelda		Beats me.

	The door opens and Hugh pops his head out.

Hugh		Mr and Mrs Dont?

Clive		That's right.

Hugh		Do come in.

	They all move through into Hugh's surgery.

		Now then. In vitro fertilisation was your thing, I believe.

Clive		That's right.

Imelda		We found your name pasted up in a phone box on the Finchley
		Road, and we thought, well, why not?

Hugh		Why not indeed? Free country. You've tried getting pregnant in
		the normal way, I assume?

Imelda		Well ...

Clive		Oh yes. We both eat bananas first thing in the morning, and
		we've drunk out of the same tea-cup more than once, I can tell
		you.

Hugh		Really?

Clive		Did it in the back of a car, once.

Imelda		(embarrassed) Phil ...

Clive		Well ... he's a doctor, isn't he?

Hugh		Right. Good. OK, so what would you like?

Imelda		Well, ideally, we'd like a baby.

Clive		Ideally ...

Hugh		A baby what?

Clive		I'm sorry?

Hugh		Dog, cat, parrot, giraffe, what?

Imelda		Well ...

Clive		Human, we thought ...

Hugh		Human, yes, fine, if you like. I've got some brochures here.
		Basically we can do anything you want. We can take foetuses
		from surrogate mothers, we can take them from dead mothers, we
		can take dead foetuses, we can take sperm from just about
		anywhere, it's up to you. You know. Black babies, white babies,
		short babies, tall babies. Musical babies, athletic babies,
		menthol-flavoured babies, you name it ...

Imelda		Well I think we'd like just ... a baby, really.

Hugh		Bog standard baby.

Imelda		Please.

Hugh		Right. No distinguishing characteristics at all?

Clive		Well, we would like it to be born in the sign of Gemini.

Hugh		Yeah?

Clive		Yes, that way we reckon he or she is less likely to grow up
		believing in astrology.

Hugh		Fair enough. And you're sure you want a human baby, are you?
		Only it's a bit of a growth sector, animals.

Clive		Really?

Hugh		Definitely. Mrs Willis will be having a kangaroo in a couple of
		months.

Imelda		Good heavens.

Hugh		Seems strange to us, but believe me, to our children it will be
		the most natural thing in the world. Well, everything seems
		natural to my children, because they're actually otters. And
		otters, as you know, take things pretty much in their stride.
		But you understand my point.

Imelda		We didn't realise there was such a range available.

Clive		It's amazing.

Hugh		Animals make wonderful children, as a matter of fact. What sort
		of house do you live in? Large? Small?

Clive		Large-ish ...

Hugh		A bungalow?

Imelda		No.

Hugh		Well, I wouldn't advise your giving birth to badgers then.
		Badgers hate stairs. How wet is this house of yours?

Clive		Wet?

Hugh		Wet. How wet?

Imelda		Well ...

Clive		Averagely wet, I'd say.

Hugh		You'd say averagely wet. Averagely wet. I'd probably decide
		against sea-lions. Wonderful offspring, but they do like a more
		than averagely wet house. Your best bet is mammal, furry and
		reasonably friendly. I have a wonderful strain of weasel at the
		moment.

Clive		Weasel.

Hugh		Weasel. Shiny whiskers, only two weeks in the womb and they
		wash themselves ... more than you can say for human children,
		eh?

Clive		Suppose ...

Hugh		Mm?

Clive		Suppose we had a human child and a weasel child.

Hugh		Well, it's up to you, but to be honest with you, Mr Dont, human
		children take a long time to gestate in the womb and cause the
		mother a lot of pain, unlike a weasel which pops out quick as
		anything.

Imelda		Hence "pop goes the weasel".

Hugh		Right. No, the easiest thing if you want a human child, is to
		buy one, ready-born, from a pet shop.

Imelda		I'll do it then. I'll give birth to a weasel and we'll buy a
		human child to keep it company.

Hugh		Fine. Any other questions?

Clive		Just one.

Hugh		Fire away.

	Clive holds up the New Yorker.

Clive		Can you explain that cartoon?

	Hugh looks at it for a while, puzzled.

Stephen		Road-widening scheme, I said. Road-widening scheme? Country-
		narrowing scheme more like. Yeah. Think about it. Country-
		narrowing scheme. Hm? Hmm?