WOMEN JOKES

No Offence To any Chicks I know

Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together??
A. Just in case you miss

Q. Why don't women mind their own business ?
A. No mind. No business.

Q. What's the one thing worse that a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman who won't do what she's told.

Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Q. Why do women talk so much and men are so smart?
A. Women have 6 lips and men have 2 heads.

Q. What is the difference between a woman with PMS and rabid dog?
A. Lipstick

Q. What does an 80-year old womam's pussy taste like?
A. DEPENDS

Q: Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

A. You can negotiate with a terrorist

Q: Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
A: So, when u pull their tits they won't shit on the floor.

Q: What do u call a woman with 2 brain cells?
A: GIFTED

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

Q: What does a Woman have in common with a Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: When you've had the thigh and breast, you've got a greasy box to stick your bone in.

Q. Why don't women's guts fall out of their cunts ?
A. 'Cause of the vacuum in their heads!

Q: What does pussy and a warm toilet seat have in common ?
A:There both nice but you always wonder about who was there before you.

Q:Whats a virgin and a ballon have in common ?
A: All it takes is one prick and its all over.

Q: Why are pussy hairs curley ?
A: So they don't poke you in the eye.

Q: Why do Tampons have strings ?
A: So you can floss after every meal.

Q: Why did the girl put a candle in her navel?
A: Her boyfriend liked eatting by candle light

Q: What do cows have four of and women two ?
A: IQ's.

Q: What two things in the air can get a girl pregnant ?
A: Her two feet.

Q: Whats the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet dosen't want to cuddle after you drop a load in it.

Q: Why do women have cunts?
A: So men will talk to them!

Q. How is a woman like a computer?
A. You don't really appreciate them untill they go down on you.

Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.

What's the difference between..... 

Q. A woman and a washing machine?
A. You don't have to hug a washing machine after you put your load in it.

Q. A woman and a shopping trolley?
A. a shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

Q. A woman and a fridge?
A. A fridge doesn't follow you around for a week after you put your load in it.

What's the similarity between...... 

Q. Why did the women cross the road?
A. More to the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen?

Q. Why do women have legs?
A. Have you seen the mess snails make?

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q. Why'd the woman buy a watch?
A. Who cares, there's a clock on the stove

Q. Why can't women ski?
A. There's no snow between bed and kitchen!

Q. Why do women fake orgasms?
A. Because they think we care.-

Q. What's another name for a Vagina?
A. A box a Dick comes in.

Q. Why are pussies so close to assholes?
A. So you can pick up women like a sixpack.

Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A. So they didn't fill up with dirt.

Q. Why should you never trust a woman?
A. How can you trust something that bleeds for a week and doesn't die??

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q. What are the thee wonders of a woman??
1. They can bleed for 7 days in a row without dying...
2. They can produce milk without eating hay...
3. They can bury seven inch bone without getting their nose dirty! Q. How do you tell if your girlfriend is ticklish?
A. Give her a couple "test-tickles"

Q. What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive foam?
A. A spermicidal maniac.

Q. Why do women like to play PacMan?
A. It's the only way they know of to get eaten three times for a quarter.

Q. Do you know the difference between a COW and a NOW member?
A. The COW doesn't mind a man pulling her TITS

Two women are talking, the first one bragging, "My husband and I are renewing our vows for our twenty-fifth anniversary."

Second woman says, "Musta not got it done right the first time. Ours don't expire."

Women need 4 animals in their life...

1- A Mink on her back
2- A Jaguar in her garage
3- A Tiger in her bed
4- And a JACKASS ta pay for it all...

Woman rushes into her house one morning and yells to her husband,
"Sam, pack up your stuff. I just won the lottery!"
"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
"Whatever. Just so you're out of the house by noon!"

Two women were discussing the problems with their marriages over lunch one afternoon. "I know one thing, for sure!" Gert said, "I'm going to get a divorce." "But why?" questioned Marge. "I saw that jerk, I call my husband, going into a movie with another woman." "Did you know who she was?" "Never saw her before," exclaimed Gert. "Well, did you ever stop to consider whether there could be an innocent explanation of it all? How come you didn't follow them into the theater and find out?" wondered Marge. And Gert's excuse was, "Well, you see, the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could *you* pass such a test?"

There was always constant chatter and gossip about one person or another at the ladies' bridge club. This particular afternoon the women were talking about a couple who had recently moved into the neighborhood. Some of the remarks were....

"They certainly do carry on something awful."
"They're scrapping and fighting every night."
"They never keep their voices down either."
"Their behavior is a disgrace."
"They're the talk of the neighborhood."
"Some are on his side and some are on her side."
"And some of us," one lady stated, "are eccentric. We are minding our own business."

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental courtesan. "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?" asked the man. "Why?" responded she. "Are you a harmonica player?"

There was man who wanted to get a sex change, so finally he got it. His friends walked up to him after the sex change procedures and asked, "So how was it? Did it hurt?" So the ex-man replied, "To be honest with you guys: When they chopped my cock off it didn't hurt, when they drilled a hole for a pussy it didn't hurt, but what really hurt me was
WHEN THEY DRILLED A HOLE IN MY HEAD AND TOOK 3/4 OF MY BRAINS OUT!"

A man and a woman are alone (together) in an elevator going to the top of a very tall building. As they almost reach the very top, the elevator cable snaps!

While plunging to their death, the woman faces the man, takes off her glasses, lets down her long flowing hair, and says:
"Before I die, I want you to make me feel like a woman".

The man then grabs his shirt, rips it off, throws it on the ground, points to it and says:

"Okay, iron that!"

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

Although her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, his wife stayed by his bedside every single day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat on the bed beside him he said, "You know what? You've been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to comfort me. When I went bankrupt and lost my business, you stood by me. When I got shot by a burglar, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you were there to support me. Even though my health started failing, you were still by my side. Now that I think about it, it sure looks to me like you bring me bad luck."

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.

This man goes into a bar and sees this really hot chick. He walks up to her and says "I am going to fuck your brains out."
She replies "Do you see that man over there playing pool?" She points to a man that is 6'2", 250 lbs. all muscle. "That is my booyfriend and he'll kick your ass!"
So the man thinks better about it and hass a drink.
After he has a few drinks he goes back over to her "I'm going to make you suck my dick."
She gets her boyfriend who says, "Leave her alone or a I'll kick your ass!"
So the man leaves her alone, for about two drinks and comes baack to her. "I'm going to flip you upside down, fill you with beer and drink all of it right out of your cunt."
The woman calls to her boyfriend and tells him what the man said. The boyfriend replies, "He can do anything he wants...I'm not fuckin' with anyone that can drink that much beer."

Many years ago, my ex-wife came home from a department store with one of those new-fangled "living" bras. After a day or two, she declared that it was the best, most comfortable and most wonderful bra she had ever worn.

As a result, she took the best care possible with it. She would wash it in the mildest soap, rinse it in the purest water and carefully hang it in the sun to dry.

Every night she would carefully hang it on the bedpost where it would be handy for her in the morning. We thought it was a very happy "living" bra.

However, one morning, tragedy struck. We awoke to find the "living" bra had died. At first we thought it had died of natural causes but soon discovered it had comitted suicide for it had left a note saying that it couldn't go on living an empty life.

My girlfriend was looking for a used car to buy and showed me an ad she found in the classifieds. It read : Brand new 1995 Mercedes Benz Slate blue, loaded , etc. Sell for $150.00. My friend & I were astonished and decided to call the seller and check it out. The woman selling the car was glad to show it to us and to our surprise the car was in perfect condition. We asked the woman, "Whats the catch? Why are you selling this car for so cheap?" "Well," she said, "its my husband's car actually, and he recently ran off with his young secretary. I got a telegram from him last week that read : "In Miami...need money...sell car."!!