Rude, Crude and Dirty Jokes

A little girl is in line to see Santa When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".

"No", said the little girl, "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken

A father and son walk into a store. The son goes down the condoms aisle and the father goes for groceries. The father sees the son down there and the son asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The father was a little put out, but said, "Those are condoms. They're for sex."

"Why do they come in packs of three?"

"Well son, these are for high schoolers. One is for friday, one is for saturday, one is for sunday."

"But there's six in this package," replies the son.

"Well, those are for college kids. Two for friday, Two for saturday, and Two for sunday."

"But, in this package, there's twelve..." "Those are for married couples. One for January, one for Febuary, one for March..."

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife. "I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis. "What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he said. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

A guy sees a doctor about his stuttering.

The doctor examines him and says, "Your penis is enormous. It's throwing your whole body off balance, and weighing down your vocal cords. You'll talk fine if you let me cut four inches off."

So off it goes, and a month later the guy is back. He says, "Well, I don't stutter now, but all my girlfriends have left. Frankly, it's not worth it. Please sew it back on."

Doctor says, "F-f-f-fuck y-y-you!"

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her chest.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

An insurance salesman was visiting a beekeeper to determine how much risk there was in insuring a bee ranch, but he was really nervous being around so many hives of bees. He told the beekeeper he was afraid of being attacked by a swarm of bees.

The beekeeper said "Nonsense, these bees are really docile and there's nothing to be afraid of, Inever get stung, even when I'm handling them. I know none of my bees would sting you. Why I'm so sure you're safe, if I tie you naked to that tree over yonder for a couple of hours, and you get stung by even one bee, I'll give you my whole ranch, lock stock and barrel, that's how sure I am that it's safe."

The insurance man thought about this for a moment, but his greed got the better of him, so he said "You're on, if even one bee stings me, I get the ranch."

The beekeeper replied "It's a deal,but you have to give me that insurance if I win."

The deal was set. The insurace man took off his clothes and the beekeeper tied him to the tree. I have to go into town for a couple of hours, when I get backI'll untie you, and the beekeeper drove off down the road in his pickup.

A couple of hours later the beekeeper comes back from town, and as he drives up, he sees the salesman slumped down, still tied to the tree, and a chill goes through his heart. He jumps out of the truck, and runs up to the man "Are you all right? Did you get stung? "

The salesman raises his head slowly and replies "No, I didn't get stung. But you need to get a milk cow for that calf."

One day a Man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours. "Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you."

The man bends down and the doctor sticks thesuppository deep into his hole. He then gives the man his course and sends him home. At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the supposiory far enough up, by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the manbends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts the suppository really hard into his arse. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.

"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"

"No" replies the man. "But I have just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

One night, Pinnochio's girlfriend says to him, "This stinks. Every time we make love I get splinters."

So Pinnochio goes to Gepetto to ask his advice. Gepetto says, "Sandpaper, my boy, that's all you need."

A few days later Gepetto runs into Pinnochio and says, "So how are you doing with the girls now?"

Pinnochio says, "Who needs girls?"

GOOD, BAD, and WORSE

Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them

Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie
Bad: It's over five years old
Worse: Your daughter's the star

Good: Your son's interested in school
Bad: He has to do extra credit to pass
Worse: Making a sex ed video

Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you

Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kids
Bad: They keep interrupting...
Worse: With corrections !

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer (a GOOD one)

Good: Your wife says you can go hunting all you want
Bad: Because she's leaving you
Worse: For another woman

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing camies and has an AK-47
Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas last year

Good: Hot outdoor sex
Bad: You're arrested
Worse: By your spouse

Good: The teacher likes your son
Bad: Sexually
Worse: They're both gay

Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: There's a line, waiting

Good: You finally get a nite out
Bad: You're seen going into a strip show by a gossip
Worse: Your daughter's the headliner

Good: Your husband's exercising and dieting
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes
Worse: He knows how to coordinate better

Good: Your child's waiting for "Mr Right"
Bad: Your son, that is
Worse: He's received answers to his gay personals ad

Good: Your neighbors exercise in the nude
Bad: They weigh 375 pounds
Worse: They catch you looking, and smile

Good: Your wife loves outdoor sex
Bad: You live downtown
Worse: Neither of you drive

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude
Bad: She's coming home
Worse: From her weekly Woman's Club meeting

Good: Your wife's kinky
Bad: With the neighbors
Worse: ALL of them

An older man goes to the Doctor in desire of a prescription for Viagra. The Doctor looks over the man, and says, "Viagra can be very dangerous and we do not just dispense it indiscriminately, Please bring your wife to my office next week and we'll discuss this in more detail.

So the following week he shows up with his wife. The Doctor asks to see the wife by herself for a few moments and she follows him back to the examining room.

The doctor asks her to disrobe and she does. He then asks her to turn around in 360 degrees a few times then instructs her to get up on the examining table and to turn in various positions. He then tells her she can get dressed and goes out to meet the Male Patient.

"Sir," The Doctor Says, "There is nothing wrong with you, I couldn't get an erection either!"

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."

She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."

He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."

She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."

After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realises the robber is her husband.

He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?????"

One day, an eskimo was riding his snowmobile to work and noticed that it was running poorly. He stopped at the repair shop to have them look at it.

The repairman said,"We're kind of busy right now, but why don't you go across the street to the café and have something to eat, then stop back and see me in a few hours."

So the eskimo went to the café and returned to the repair shop two hours later. The eskimo asked the repairman,"What did you find?"

The repairman said, "I think that you blew a seal."

The eskimo replied (after wiping his mouth),"No, I just had ice cream for lunch!"

There once was a certain married couple that had been married for several years. Hovever, the man would never do anything for the woman. One day the washing machine broke. The wife asked the husband, "Honey would you fix the washing machine for me?"

He replied, "Who do I look like? The Maytag repair man?"

The very next day the vacuum cleaner broke. Again she asked him to fix the appliance. His reply, "Who do I look like? The Hoover repair man?"

The third day, the husband returned from work and the wife was washing cloths and vacuuming the living room floor. He turned to her, beaming, "Honey I am so proud of you! You took the inititive and fixed them yourself!"

"Oh no!" she replied. "The neighbor came by and said if I slept with him or baked him a cake he would fix them for me."

"What kind of cake did you bake him?" the husband asked.

Her reply, "Who do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Gimme a gin and tonic." The bartender reaches under the bar and places an apple on it. The guys looks and the apple skeptically and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." The guy takes a bite and incredibly, it tastes like gin. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." He does and it tastes like tonic. He finishes the apple.

A few minutes pass and the guy says, "Gimme a vodka and orange juice." The bartender once again reaches behind the bar and places another apple on it. The guy eyes the suspicious fruit and the bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite." He bites into it and he can't believe it. It tastes like vodka. The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around." The guys turns the apple and it tastes like orange juice, so he finishes the apple.

Just then, a beautiful woman walks past the two men and the guy says to the bartender, "You know, I could sure go for some pussy about now." The bartender nods, reaches below the bar and produces yet another apple. The guys says, "No way man." The bartender says, "Go ahead. Take a bite."

He takes a bite and angrily spits out the apple. "Yuck!! That tastes like shit, man!!!" The bartender smiles and says, "Turn it around."

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the forest and says, " Your in deep trouble Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to rip off your clothes and rape you until you faint."

With that, Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a very large handgun, points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says. "No you're not, you're going to drop to your knees and EAT ME, just like the story says."

A man is sitting in the pub, having a round with his pals when the most gorgeous woman enters the room. The man is dumbfounded by this woman's beauty and comments about her to his mates.

"Yeah, she is pretty good." his mate replies, "pity she's a man."

The man is shocked. "Fuck off she is." he says.

"No, it's true. A friend of mine knows her personally."

The man is dissapointed that such a fine looking woman, is in fact a man. But at the same time, he is curious. He tells his mates that he is going to find out what sex he/she really is.

So the man goes up to the 'woman' and strikes up a converstaion. They hit it off really well. and the man is loving it because this woman is even better close up. Before long the man suggests that he drive them out to a secluded spot and get to know each other. The woman agrees.

Before the man can say 'fuckmewithatenfootbargepole' they have driven to the woods and are getting hot and heavy in the back of the car. The continue the'clothes on' making out for a while, until the woman gets out of the car, explaining that she has to answer to the call of nature.

"This is my chance" says the man, "I'll follow her and find out what sex she is' So he walks into the woods ducking behind trees in case he is seen, until he sees the woman standing with something long dangling between her legs.

"Fuck me she's got a dick!" he thinks, "She's a man." the man is outraged and races towards her, dives down and grabs the thing between her legs.

"Oh my gosh!" The woman cries, "I didn't know you were following me!"

"And I didn't know you were taking a shit" the man replies.

A woman was becoming greatly distressed. Her husband had lost all intrest in sex and all the various doctors and specialists they had seen could give no reason. In desperation she wrote to Santa Claus asking for help. He responded by giving her special sex pills. He told her that if she put one pill in her husbands dinner then they'd have a night of fantastic sex. He also warned her never to use more than one. The woman was skeptacle but decided to give it a try and, by god, it worked!The woman was so thrilled she used one pill a day for an entire month.One day she thought "Well all this sex has been great, but what would happen if I gave him all the pills at once..." So, completely forgetting Santa's warning she slipped all the remaining pills in her husband's dinner.

Several months later Santa decided to check up on the woman and see how his gift had helped her. A young boy answered the phone and Santa asked hom his mother was enjoying the gift. The little boy said "So you're the one who sent the pills... well, Mommy's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and Daddy's up in the attic going `here kitty kitty"

This doctor is considering specializing in sex disorders. He calls a local clinic and asks if he can get a tour of their facility. The Clinic Administrator tells the doctor that would be fine and to come right on over.

As they're walking through the hospital, the doctor sees this guy jerking off in the middle of the hallway. He asks the Administrator what's going on. The Administrator explains that the guy suffers from Hyper Spermatogenisis, that is, unless he gets off several times a day, his balls will explode!

A few minutes later they turn the corner and see a guy standing in the hallway getting a blow job from this beautiful nurse. The doctor inquires as to this guy's condition.

The Administrator explains to the doctor that this man has the same problem as the other guy, but he as a much better health plan!