So, being warmly buzzed one day, I am offered some “Sunshine acid”. I knew I had heard this was dangerous, could even make you insane, but at this point I didn’t care much. That little voice was there though, whispering in the back of my mind, but God is easy to ignore once you get used to blocking Him out. This trip went on for months, a crazy scheme of semi consciousness and breathing walls, as every night there was some acid to be eaten, some pot to be smoked, and some shots to take. Oh yes, I was really living now! I had all these friends, and all this money from selling pot at school, I really couldn’t see how life could get much better.
It was always there though. Once I couldn’t hear God’s voice at all, there was a dark hole inside me, inside my soul, that needed to be filled, and no matter what amount of drugs I poured in there, it was like a bottomless pit. Little did I know that it could only be filled with God’s light and love! With this constant gnawing at my heart, I assumed, of course, that I was simply not doing enough drugs. After I had made this decision I can’t remember not being high on something - anything. I was always, always stoned, and always miserable. My happy, bubbly poems and stories had turned into disgusting wails and cries for help, complaining of the darkness inside me and surrounding me.
Of course my school grades dropped, seeing as how I rarely attended, and when I did I was either asleep or tripping. My parents were worried, they knew what was going on, but they couldn’t do anything about it. They tried, of course, but there is only so many things you can do and I managed to keep going as I was anyway. I knew they were at the ends of their ropes, and a small part of me felt guilty, but not enough to stop, just enough to learn to hide it better.
Ahhh, the glorious age of fourteen. Not especially memorable for most, but it was for me! This was the age where several things happened that changed my life forever! First I met my ex fiance, whom was also a “partyer” but at the time he wasn’t as heavy into it as I was. We fell madly in love with each other (you know how that goes) and never wanted to be separated. It was with him and several others that I took my first cross country road trip, and little did I know I was going to meet with God, rather than just see a few new sites.
Most of the people I was riding with were strong Christians, and were in fact
moving out of state because they felt called to start and lead a ministry out west. I had not planned very well and ran out of drugs quickly, and I was an absolute mess for most of the ride. I remember staring out the window at a particularly beautiful sunset, the pink rays being cradled by a huge, glorious mountain (the first one I had ever seen!) and all I could think about was how I wished I was stoned, or dead. Anything but sober.
Did you know that most of our battles are spiritual? I didn’t. I soon learned though. *Smiles*
Ephesians 6: 12 - For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
2Cor 9:4 - The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.
I noticed that there was something about me changing. It was as if my hardened heart was starting to melt a little. I started to feel that tug of guilt again, and the gentle breeze of the Lords’ touch on my soul. You know, I have seen so many people everywhere, that beg to be prayed for, and you would think that everyone appreciates other people spending all that time on their knees. But alas, I was not one of those. When I found out that all those people had been praying for me, I was furious! Probably because I was feeling that tug, and I knew prayer was powerful! I didn’t want to change, I knew how much I would have to give up if I re-dedicated my life to the Lord, and I wasn't done partying yet. I still had plenty of drugs to try! |
