September 26^th, 2002

I hang up on mom again. Why am I so angry? I’m always so angry. I keep pushing myself into situation that would cause me trouble and hoping that I would only learn things from them. I’ve become such a cynical and angry person. Everything is rational for me. Nothing is sensual. Why am I doing this to myself? I’m such a bad person. Or either I’m such a stupid person. I need to change myself. I need to reinvent myself, just as what Tim told me to do. I’m so not secure about myself. I’m so stupid. Just look at yourself, will you? You have enough of everything you want. You have the love of your mother, your father, and your whole family. You have a great friend, although she is far away from. You are healthy and even cute to some extend. You’re not stupid. You’re even decently smart. You study at one of the top universities in the United States. You’re almost guaranteed a decent life as long as you finish college well. What else you’re hoping for? What are you so unhappy about? Look at yourself. What you really need? I think what I need is love and security. I need to love somebody and knowing that he will provide me security. Not economically or in any other sense. I want to love someone and know that he will not break my heart. He will not bring another woman into our relationship like what other guys have done to me.That I can depend on him, emotionally. That even I become an old lady, with wrinkles on my face, with love handles on my waist, he’ll still love me and care about me. I forget what love is. Love is unconditional. Love is a special thing. I can only share it, give it, receive it from a special person. I know if I fix that, my life will be much better than now. I don’t want any drama in my life. I’ll live peacefully, happily until I die.