The Expectations
*All names are changed to protect privacy.
A friend of mine, Samantha was crying today because she wasn’t happy with her boyfriend’s birthday gift – taking her out to a play. She was sobbing and through tears, I heard her saying that a play felt so impersonal. “We could go see a play any time. Eric should know what kind of thing I want after going out for three months! Flowers or at least a card would be nice.” She said she didn’t want to be a bitch, but she’s still upset that Eric didn’t put much thought into the birthday gift and it means that he doesn’t care that much. Besides bringing her tissues and letting her vent I didn’t really know what to say. Even though a play doesn’t sound bad at all, I can understand why she would feel that it’s not special enough. However, I question, does it mean that Eric doesn’t care? Was she expecting too much from her boyfriend? Should she settle with what he can give her, or should she ask for what she thinks that she deserves? In relationships, how do we know whether we’re expecting too much or the other person isn’t treating us good enough?
Valentine’s around and everywhere I see Cupid stickers on windows, heart-shaped candies and flowers. I intentionally avoided the discussion of Valentine plan with my boyfriend. I was even thinking about plans with my friends on Friday. After feeling hurt for Christmas and New Year because he didn’t even care to say Happy New Year, I decided not to expect anything, until two days before Valentine, he called and said that he wanted to cook for me. I thought it was very sweet. But no flowers. No chocolates. Nothing cliché. And I think I’m fine with that. Am I immune to the conventional cheesy ways of expressing love or am I just repressing my wanting so I don’t get hurt when my expectations are not met? Have I learned to adjust to “environment”, to be happy with whatever he offers and not expect any more?
Maybe my boyfriend is on the low-key side of the scale. Then there is the other extreme end. Guys like my friend David who does the most helpless, unrealistic romantic things. He fell in love with a girl he saw in his class but he never got a chance to talk to her. Feeling that he’d never have a chance without any actions, he wrote a letter to her and made it into a heart shape and gave it to her. And now he’s putting together a thousand piece puzzle for her. It’s all so sweet. I told David that I would be so thrilled if I was that girl. But on the other hand, I know I wouldn’t fall for a guy just because he sugars me up with flowers, heart-shaped love letters and gifts. I would only fall for a guy if I am attracted to him, if he’s nice, intellectual, humorous, confident and… well, I’m not going to list all the good things about my boyfriend so that he gets cocky.
The point is, I realized that maybe some guys are just good at sending flowers, giving gifts and doing romantic things; while some other guys are just good at making the girl laugh by telling jokes, engaging in great conversation and understanding the girl.
I don’t know which kind of guys are better. I don’t think I had a choice anyways. After all, we don’t date people for a rather long-term relationship according to those superficial criteria, at least I don’t. I go with my feelings, although sometimes, those feelings take me to a certain situation in which I regret my initial decision, well, at least for a while. Nonetheless, I go with my feelings, without thinking about what will happen at the end and I think in general, that’s the way it works for me.
While I am writing this, Samantha and Eric made up. Eric brought flowers to apologize and that made up everything. So guys, if you’re wondering why your girl is upset for no apparent reason, pay attention to this. Sometimes, all a girl needs is some attention, something that makes her feel very special. And it’s not the same thing if she has to ask for it. So be attentive to her needs and that’s all it takes to please a girl.
**But this is not the end of the story yet. Valentine passed and I think it is necessary to reevaluate my boyfriend and my view on expectations. The truth is, I did hope that he would bring me flowers and plan a night carefully, and he did not disappoint my secret expectations at all. My Valentine is the best that it would ever happen. He did give me flowers. A long stem red rose when he came to meet me and more flowers decorating his room where we enjoyed the food we cooked together. The cooking together part felt so nice because we were doing something together. And the food was not only good, but also made me feel so proud. Or fulfilling, if that’s a better way to put it. The best part is that he put so much thought into making me happy, which shows that he really cares. So, on a second thought, maybe a guy can be both: both romantic, thoughtful and funny, interesting. Of course, not many guys are like that. I guess I am just really lucky to have him.