Childhood

Childhood is when you don't know anything, and when everything is fun for you. I have survived childhood, which lasted much longer than I though it would. About four or five years again, I thought, wow, I am a grown-up now. I am already out of my childhood. But now, I look at myself, and realize, I am still a child, who is turning to an adult. Or if I may, I want to use Britney's word: I'm not a girl, not yet a woman.

When I was two years old, my mom was training in New York. My dad took on the job of taking care of me. I would crawl around on the floor. That was my favorite activity. And my pants would have two hole at the knees. My dad had to learn how to make patches on my clothes. We were living in a place now I really have no idea of. It seems all so far away. I would chew on sugar cane with my little teeth. And that would be the highlights of my life before we moved to Beijing Normal University.

Before I went to the kindergarten attached to the University, I went to the one in Shiyou College. About when I was three, my parents took me on a trip to Shanghai. I have no memory whatsoever on the trip. Even if I have any, I believe it was made up afterwards when my parents told me about it. However, what still stay on my mind vividly was the days when I got back from Shanghai. I did not want to go to the kindergarten. My dad would send me to the kindergarten, and before go in, I always asked him to walk me around in the neighborhood. And I would ask him to take a little flower up from the ground and hang it on the tree. We promised each other to come back to see whether it would still be there later. Curiously, it was never there when we came back. I don't know if my dad just took it to amuse me, or the wind blew it away.

Then we moved to Beijing Normal University. It was my parent's first apartment of their own. I did not have too much good memories there. Mom seemed to have a lot of anger and stress. She seemed to be never home, and dad took care of me. He was not extremely good at it. One time, he left for work after lunch. I pretended to sleep in bed, but soon when he left, I got up. I decided to do everything that I was not supposed to do. I turn on the gas for a second. Then I went outside. I didn't lock the door. I don't remember anything afterwards, but my parents later told me that someone my dad knows saw me on the street alone, so she just took me home.

I was a weird kid at kindergarten. On one dance class, my classmates were sitting on the floor waiting for the teacher's instruction. The teacher said, I'll count one, two, three, and you can stand up then. When she said one, I followed her loudly, "two, three". I was laughing, enjoying the attention I got. I felt no shame, but was rather proud of my little trick, or whatever you want to call it.

When all the kids loved eating liver, I hated it. I thought it was so dry and disgusting. It made me want to barf. I still don't understand why I would feel that way when I was younger, because now I don't dislike liver at all.

One time during language class, my teacher said that we were going to start this lesson on page #. I said, but we already learnt it. The teacher asked doubtfully, are you sure. I said yes I'm sure. Then she said, ok, if we have learned it, read it for me. Of course I couldn't, because I was never a good student and I never pay attention in class. I just stood there, trying to squeeze some memory out of my brain, but could not. Finally the teacher said, you can sit down. I felt so bad. I wasn't trusted. I was wronged. I was the only one who was brave enough to stand up for what she believed in, but I was embarrassed in front of everyone.

I had probably one friend, Ren Shaomin. I called her a friend because she was the only who would let me sit next to her during Art class. We were coloring pictures. She was coloring hers, and I was copying exactly what colors she was using. When one time she left early, I felt so paranoid. I didn't what I was going to do with my picture.

Others don't really play with me. A bigger girl one time said to me, if you eat that leaf, you can be my friend. So I did. I chewed green leaf, freshly picked from a tree, in order to be someone's friend.

There are some other people at my age who live in the same compound that we lived in. It seemed to me that they all played together. Huangwenwen, Pei Zhuan, Fang Youhan, Zhangqi.... Some of them I became friend later in high school, some of them I never really talk to again.

One time I got a grasshopper, the big kind that could sing really loudly. I was so excited to show it to my friends. I carefully took the cage, though my parents really didn't want me to take it. I went down to the grassy area where I found my friends. Before I was going to show my pet, I realized that they were crowding around two white rabbits. Everyone was excitedly squatting, talking and watching the rabbits. I knew immediately that my grasshopper wasn't going to be popular. I took it home, and came back to cheer for the rabbits.

I went to eat at the rabbits owner, HuangWenwen's home once. Her parents were nice. We had sugared tomatoes. But I was really nervous. I was afraid to do something wrong, that they would think bad of me. And throughout my childhood, I seldom go to friend's house to have meals with their parents. It gives me such uneasy feelings.

My mom knitted me a sweater and matching pants. They were of awful, awful color. It was grass green with a tint of orange red. It was the most ugly outfit I have ever seen till this day. I did not want to wear them at all. One time, in the morning, before going to kindergarten, mom ordered me to wear them. I was screaming and crying not to wear them. But mom would not give up. She must have said something like, if you don't wear this, don't go to kindergarten today. So I finally give in. And my day felt stupid and awful in that outfit.

One time when I came back from home, I was so shocked to see a woman with curly hair sitting on the couch smiling at me in the dim light of early evening. I didn't know who that stranger was. Then she stood up from the couch and walked toward me. Finally, I recognized her face. She was my mother. I was screaming and crying again. I was so afraid that my mother had changed into a stranger.

My mother worked as a interpreter since she majored in English in college. She often go abroad. At that time and place in China, going abroad is like a dream for most Chinese. She seems to be very busy. I only see her in between her trips abroad. She would buy me little gifts though. Once she bought me a pair of scissors, cute, little, purple scissors with cartoon character on it. But I broke it on the first cut when I was trying to cut a stack of paper. I was scared to death. I held the broken scissors to her, with tears in my eye. She didn't say anything. She said, kneel down, swear that you would never break something like that again.

I really didn't have much pleasant memory with my mom.

Then it was the time to go to elementary school. The school attached to the same university was very good, and it was a two minutes walk away from the apartment we lived in. One day, my dad took me to take the exam at the elementary school. They asked me some questions, checked my heath condition and that was it. It was a rainy day. On the way to my kindergarten, I fell in a puddle so I had to change my clothes in my teacher's office room. Then I fell again on the way back from the exam. My dad didn't say anything. He just laughed.

I can't remember much of my first day of elementary school. It was a very sunny day. We were sitting outside our classrooms on the first floor. School started. I was not a good student. I was a boyish girl if you want to categorize me. I don't listen to class, and I would focus on playing a knife, a paper clip and a magnet for an entire class. We were supposed to have our hands back and sitting straight up, but I always have hands in my desk drawers. Soon the teacher moved me to the last row of the classroom, with the rest of the "bad" students, so that we wouldn't disturb the others. All of the "bad" kids were boys who didn't like studying except me.

On weekends, we would always go to visit my grandmother. My grandfather just died. Exactly what he was like I don't remember. I only know for fact that he graduated from the prestigious Qinghua University, and then went on graduate school in MIT in the U.S. He must be a very smart person I suppose. While my parents were staying with my grandmother, I was sent to drawing and accordion classes for the whole Sunday. I learned paining, drawing with pencil, and basic accordion in my early childhood. That's probably why even though I never do anything about art any more after that, when I picked up my drawing in Fundamental Design class in Madeira, Ms. May told me I had talent in drawing and that I really should pursue it in college. I told her I didn't feel that I was good at it. I told her I felt I was more good at singing and music. She was disappointed, but she understood.

But my mom didn't make me continue the classes. I got kind of tired of them afterwards because the drawing we did was pretty repetitive. Mom says she didn't want me to become an artist, she just wanted me to develop some artistic sense. She was right on that.

But mom could be violent sometimes. One time, I was doing my homework, she asked me to borrow my pencil. I only had one, so I told her I was doing my homework. She got really mad, so she took a bamboo fan, and used that to whip my butt. It hurt really bad, with each stroke.

In grade one, everyone's greatest honor was to join the Red Scuff. It was a youth group thing that honors good students. It was partially lie since everyone eventually join it. But the earlier you join, the better you are honored. I joined it as one of the latest. I didn't feel much about it. It didn't matter to me that much anyways.

Another incident happened that really scared me. A little boy in my class once when playing game told me, I like you. I was scared. I didn't know what to do, so I told my mother. She told me to keep away from boys, and that the boy was a bad child. So I listened and kept away.

My math teacher seemed to be especially fond of me, even though I was in no way considered a good child. She liked my long hair. She was like a mother to me sometimes. She saw my hair band got dirty, so she told me use a little soap to wipe on it, so it would be clean. I didn't do that, because I never cared what I looked like.

I've spent some lunches in her office also. Sometimes my dad couldn't come back to cook me lunch, I would have to bring lunch and to eat with my math teacher. I wasn't really scared of her. I thought she was nice. She once asked how old my dad was. When I told her he was in his thirties, she was very surprised. She thought he was in his twenties.

My mom sometimes gave me special treats like gums. I hid them in my backpack so no one would steal them. I only told one girl whom I thought was my best friend. Then the gums were gone. I was furious. I asked her why she took it. She denied. But I said, you were the only one I've told about this to. It must be you. She couldn't deny it any more. Another time, she forgot to bring her book, so she stole mine. I was so frustrated when I couldn't find my book. Then somehow I recognized that the book in her hand was mine. I took it back. I fought with her. Even my teachers knew about it. They didn't think I was making too much of it. On the other hand, they thought I was so clever to find out the thief.

People, especially older people liked me a lot. They thought I looked so cute. I did look very cute. If you look at my old pictures, I was a little sweet tart with a flat cute nose and long eyes. Very innocent smile. And my mom would always dress me in little cute outfits that she put together. I was stopped by strangers on the road one time when I was picking up a flower. First she told me not to pick up flowers to destroy plants. Then she asked, how did your mom make that sweater on you? It looks so cute... Even my math teacher, once "threatened" me, that if I cut my hair, she would be very mad at me. I have long hair almost to my waist at that time. Usually I would braid it. But one time I got all the braid out during class and the teacher yelled at me for doing so and ordered me out of the classroom because she thought my hair would be distractive.

In Second Grade, I suddenly became a "good" kid, the kind that listened carefully in class and got hundreds on exams. Then I nominated myself to be the Head of Math Class. It is a pretty honorable position, meaning that you do very well on the subject. Of course I didn't get it because I was the best in math. The previous head left our school and the teacher asked the whole class who wanted to become the new one. No one's hand was up except me. Mrs. Qin, our teacher saw me, and she said, give her a chance. So I was in.

Maybe that was my motivation of becoming a good student. Maybe it was just that I grew up. I really did much better in my classes, paid more attention.

Third Grade was blah. I don't have any memory of it in particular. At the end of the third grade, in the hot summer, my mother arranged an interview for me for a trip to Romania. The trip was sponsored by her company, and only those who qualify would be able to go. So I got that after I played accordion in front of the judges. Early in September, when other kids started fourth grade, I went on my first trip abroad. It was my first time being on an airplane, first time being away from parents, first time eating steaks and lamb chops every day for lunch and dinner. I didn't wash my underwear for two weeks. My suitcase was packed with beautiful clothes that my mom bought me before the trip. But my underwear was dirty. One kid lost her entire suitcase in the airport, so she had to buy new clothes at that place and borrowing clothes from other people.

No one wanted to roommate with me at the hotel. Not that they didn't like me, but because they all already know each other before. They all went to the same elementary school in Tianjin. I was the only one who had to roommate with a teacher.

One night, I went into a boy's room in my sleeping dress. I had no sense of different sex at that time. But that boy, who was much older than me, said, it makes me nervous that you come in here in that dress. I think I blushed then. So I went back to my room and changed into my "workout" suits. Hot pants and T-shirt, and I jumped right back in. He laughed and said, wow, are you coming to work out here? I laughed too.

We had two interpreters on our trip. One came with us from China. He speaks English and Chinese. The other one is local. She speaks local language and English. So they communicate, and the Chinese interpreter would tell us what to do in Chinese. The Romanian interpreter was a very pretty and nice lady. I still have her picture. She really liked me too. Her sons would be chasing me in the yard of the hotel, and I would be screaming and running around so they wouldn't pull out all my hair.

There were dogs living in the yard, under a tree. A big dog who just had four puppies. They seemed to be always hungry. So I would secretly pack my lunch or dinner--steak, pork or lamb chops--for the dogs. They really liked it. Then later one adult found me feeding the dog, and told me not to do so any more. But I could not stand it because it seems to me they have no food except what I feed them. So I got my own snack, a box of dried fish that my dad packed for me for the trip, for the dogs. They ate the entire box in one afternoon.

I was so in love with the puppies that I was thinking about taking one home. Somehow I didn't because I thought that the adults would find out, and it was too much a risk.

When I came back to my elementary school, Mrs.Qing, our Dean asked me to share my experience in front of the class. I didn't prepare anything, but I started rambling on my experience. I told them that the first time I tasted cheese, it tasted like shit, but I liked it now.

I wrote an essay called the first time I fly on an airplane. That was a good essay, Mrs. Qing said. I supposed it was refreshing since few people have been on an airplane back then.

Mrs. Qing really liked me. It seems like the times when I really didn't care what people think of me, a lot of people were extremely fond of me. The more I care about my appearance to others, the less attention I get.

Mrs. Qing helped me to enter a national essay contest. I won the third prize, even though I knew my final entry was crappy. Then I became student leader in the class.

My mother told me to bring perfumes as gifts to both the teachers. One for each, Mrs.Qing, the Dean, and the math teacher Ms. Ma.

I was also the Head of English Class. The fact that my mom majored in English sure helped a lot. But I really did not care. It seems like when I was young, things came to me so easily, but I wanted none of it. When I grew up, what I want is not always mine.