M a r c h 2 5 , 2 0 0 4

i haven't updated this site forever, but i haven't stopped writing recently. in fact, i've been pretty hooking to "blogging", on xanga, that is. so why am i writing here now, because not a lot of people visit this site, so it really feels like a safer place.
don't get me wrong. xanga is cool. but sometimes you just wanna write, vent, empty out what has bottled up on your mind, write without being judged by others, write without being "commented" on, like how it works on xanga
i really want to find some meaning in my life. a lot of times i feel like life has no purpose and i cannot see my future. i even thought about death the other day. it's horrible, isn't it. i remember that day, nothing really happened during the day, but all a suddenly i just felt so depressed after class. i went back to my apartment, i put on some music, and then i crawl under my beddings and started crying.
and cry i did. like a vocano finally exploded. all the worries, sadness, anger, frustration, depression... everything came out like there is no tomorrow
and i thought about death. i thought about ways to kill myself. i thought about cutting my veins and just let blood flow through, but that scared me. i don't like flood and i was afraid, if it didn't work and i changed my mind, i would have gotten a scar on my wrist.
then i thought about pills. that would be so easy. just swollow a whole bunch of sleeping pills and i would die in sleep. what a perfect way. no pain. no mess
as soon as the thought popped in my mind, i cried even harder, because i was hurt. i thought about all the people who care about me and all the people who love me, how would they feel? they must be really really hurt. it hurts me to hurt them.
yet at the same time, there is some pleasure. for the people i hate. i could have made them miserable. because they've made my life miserable during my living existence, so i could accuse them, make them feel guilty, and my dead existence would torture them forever.

god. what a scary thought. what a scary thought. god. i don't wanna die. i really do hate some people and i have so much anger toward them, but it's not worth it. my life is too precious for such a purpose.

last night, i couldn't sleep. either it was stress, or the caffeine i had consumed during the day, i just couldn't sleep.
i tried to picture myself in a peaceful space. i pictured myself on a beach. i pictured myself lying on the soft, warm sand. breezy air caresses my skin, and my lover caresses me too, my face, my arm, my back.. all i could hear was the wave hitting the shore, the tide flows back and forth. no hate. no regrets. no jealousy. i'll just be peaceful and happy.

yeah. happy. peaceful. i thought i found them but they were gone again. i'd overestimated myself.

just have to get up, and live my life, to the fullest. forgive and forget. forgive and forget.

D e c e m b e r 4 , 2 0 0 3

falungong people were on the walk sending out flyers and stuff. i walked by as quickly as possible, as if i slowed down, i'd catch some sort of mental disease.
i thought about what we've been talking about in my writing class, ethnocentrism - the attitude that my own culture is the best and only correct one. and i wonder if unconsciously i'm falling into that category.

***********************

i was reading a little bit of my "childhood" recollections in my "writing" section. i wrote that so long ago, probably senior year in HS. got so many typos in there :P senior year in high school was really a year of becoming an adult. it was all about abandoning old ideas and embrace new ones. that piece of writing was a way to let out all that's been stuffing inside about my childhood. i haven't thought about any of that stuff since then, as if i've really gotten those ideas out of my system.

when i was younger, everybody loved me and thought i was adorable. when did they stop adoring me, instead, judging me?

sometimes i kinda miss childhood. even though it has ups and downs.
i think if i were ever to have a kid, i would give him or her lots lots and lots of love and experience.

D e c e m b e r 3 , 2 0 0 3

it's this time of the year again. the exam period, and of course, the best way to procrastinate during this period is to update my website - my website always gets attention - if he were my bf, he'd love exam period :)

updated my xanga a bit. just a bit though... i'm actually writing my paper right now. five pages down, but now taking a break. will i get back to it soon?i hope...blah

yeah i know..the entry on dec 1 was random and...i can just picture some guy say to me, "hold it girl. what's all that anger about? calm down now". well. lemme just say that i have sufficient reason to get angry like that on this issue. it's a long story. i told my story to my journal back then, i'm not gonna tell again. and i've dropped the matter. an email from that asshole stirred this anger, but it's soon gone - as soon as that journal entry hits the internet.

anyways. no anger. no hatred. it's all good. i've got no time for hate, all for love :) tomorrow is a brighter day, as long as i believe in myself and have no fear

D e c e m b e r 1 , 2 0 0 3

you know what i think asshole? i think that if you would write such a statement on your website, it's not gonna prosper. it's just an excuse to be like...yeah, we're young, that's why we aren't really good. pssss. you aren't young. you're fucking old. and you're a piece of shit, no matter how hard you try to proof that you are not (read: you aren't trying hard to change the fact that you are a piece of shit, you're just trying hard to proof that you aren't). not working!

N o v e m b e r 2 4 , 2 0 0 3

talking to a friend today about wishes. when we were young, didn't we all pretend that genie in the bottle really existed for once or twice. i sure did wish my life away a few times. remember that seven-colored flower? with each petal pulled off, you get one wish. i was always trying to be smart and thought, hey, my last wish is to get another seven-colored flower. only if that happens in real life...
but seriously, what would i want if i really had those wishes. it's silly fantasize like this, but it sure doesn't hurt. does it?
if i could have any wish i want, i would want
the ability to go anywhere in the world in the blink of an eye, so i could go back to beijing during my lunch break, hug my best friend in canada, tell her all about EVERYTHING, god i miss her. back in middle school and high school, she was the only person i could tell everything. i don't know if i could, still. we've all got our own lives now. this summer, i wanted to hang out with her but she was spending a lot of time with her mom. makes me sad that we're growing apart... it's so hard to retain a relationship with someone. it takes a lot of time and energy. i'm so sad right now. what happened today just makes me sad, but i don't know exactly why i'm so sad, neither do i know either it's me being too sensitive, or it's just not right. maybe i'm just being too perfectionist. when one thing lets me down, i always feel like the whole world is down, but that shouldn't happen.
i'm so off the topic now, but i'll try to bring it back. i wish i'd be anywhere in the world so i could see kai all the time, so i could say, have dinner with him and come back for class the next day... man, if i had this ability, i'd be the happiest person in the world, but hey, even if i can't have it, i can still be the happiest person in the world, DAMMIT!!
then, i would wish for people to understand me perfectly. i'd wish for people to have an open mind for everything. i wish people don't get caught up in whatever ideas they are trying to defend, and open their eyes to listen to others. i guess i'm such a supporter of open-mindedness because i'm so different. i need acceptance from other people. well i don't. if people don't like me, or what i believe in, screw them. i'm frustrated not because of different opinions, but for inability to convey a certain idea so the other person understand. or maybe it's simply that the other person isn't listening. i'm not sure which.
last, of course, money, beauty and everything. but sometimes when i stop and think, those things are so precious because they're promises of a happy life. but they're not.
it's funny. when i talk about things, i like to compare my believes with the commonly believed ideas, the pre-conceptions, but then people misunderstood it as my opinion.
i realize that i should avoid sensitive issues because it's not worth it. i guess it's like respecting others' opinions, but i don't think it's good for communications. however, it's not worth some heated "arguments" just to open up conversations/communications.

i wonder how this world sees me. i am sexual. i am open about sex. i am not traditional or conservative in this sense, but i'm not an animal. it's not JUST about sex for me, it's not. don't people get it? i enjoy sex and i enjoy sex to be straight-forward. i think people play way too much game on dating, on mixing sexual feelings with emotionals, on experimenting and testing where to draw the line of being "nasty" and "sexy". oh well..maybe i should think this way. afterall, that's where i came from too. i was confused. i "wasted" a lot of time thinking about those stuff, and even though i feel that i've figured everything out, i can't just now start criticizing others for "wasting" time on it. i guess i should be more open-minded too. i should respect others - leave time for them to figure things out in their own terms, instead of pushing the conclusions in their face. i suddenly realize that i'm like a "parent". like you know how parents always push "conclusions" in our face, telling us, "if you don't do what i tell you now, you're gonna regret", or "i've lived so long, i know how everything works. you're just wasting time to figure things out."
i always hated it when they did that, but now i'm doing the exact same thing...like i've figured everything out, so you should too, or i'm just gonna help you get there. i can't do that. i can't. i'm not parent, certainly not the "authority" on any issue either. even if i were, should allow people to grow in their own way, own pace. anyways.... i guess i should really just be outta this shitty business.
the same realization about life happened to me about a year ago: one day i just decided that i'd stop lecturing people on the truth about happiness and just be happy and let happiness be contageous and work for itself. i think it worked in a way. hopefully this time it'd work again.

life is too short not to feel great all the time

N o v e m b e r 1 7 , 2 0 0 3

11:20 at night..econ midterm tomorrow. it's really the first time this semester that i felt stressed about a midter. i really really want to do well because the last two exams proved that no matter how much i thought i've prepared in everyday dedicated studying, it's important to prepare right before the exam. it's a skill, but i really really suck at this skill. i tend to relax right before the exam and become over-confident. and see, you think if i'm self-aware of this, i should be able to pull it off - to change and work hard. but no... i keep the same record, slack off every time. ..

maybe this time is a chance to turn it all around...

back to study .. much appreciation to yin and jeremy who came all the way to harnwell to see me just because i was stressed. yin you're one of the most brilliant people i know, a great leader, and jeremy, you never fail to be trusted. thank you guys.

N o v e m b e r 1 6 , 2 0 0 3

i wonder if i really appreciated the beauty of beijing. suddenly i miss it so much. to me, beijing is like the old new york, their beauty can only be appreciated when you truely understand where this city comes from and where it's going.

N o v e m b e r 1 2 , 2 0 0 3

one day before the concert. i'm shakin'. literally. i had a coffee today and i did get enough sleep last night. overexcited. not good. fatigue afterwards.

so should i wear my red pants or not!!!!???? they're too damn expensive not to wear. but do i look good in them? should i maybe get the bigger sized ones? grrr.... i never should doubt about fashion but this time i'm so screwed. grrr....suddenly nothing look good on me. nothing. even my favorite jeans and pointy shoes combo. man... this concert is messing me up. aiiiiii....

N o v e m b e r 1 1 , 2 0 0 3

concert on thursday. physics midterm on thursday, an hour before the concert. i'm freaking out. i also have a bunch of reading, a engineering probability homework to do. man...why did i become an engineer? i don't think i like it that much any more. but do i have the gut to change my major in the middle of sophomore year? i like the anthropology class that i'm taking, but will i be able handle writing a paper every week and read three hundred pages every day? i don't know. i just hope i'm learning something and the better, i hope i'm learning what i like to learn.
but i'm definitely not going to grad school within engineering field. something like broadcasting, business, economiscs, international relations. who knows.
engineering sucks. :P

i'm still debating whether i should wear the red pants. i got them from Arden B. bloody bloody expensive but i still got them. so i guess i should wear them otherwise there is no meaning buying them at the first place. kai liked them, cos they're tight and sexy? :P hehe. should i trust him on his taste? i don't know. i'm looking at myself in the mirror. i don't look back. it's really really tight but it DOES fit my body. the curves. shirley didn't like them though. she said it was too tight on my thighs. but hmm. i don't know, shirley is conservative :P she won't wear skimpy tight clothes so maybe that's why she doesn't like them. oh and btw, shirley and eugene are coming to my concert!! i'm very happy about it :) i was too sensitive earlier i guess. i DO have friends. i just need to realize it.

kenny came over to prepare for the MC stuff earlier. he's a funny guy. and i guess the plan would be, i'll be cheesy, proper, good-girlish. and he'd be funny, joking and friendly. perfect plan :-D

reading "the sparrow" for writing class last night. SUCH a good book. i love it.

N o v e m b e r 8 , 2 0 0 3

Our concert is approaching. I have to say that I'm hurt when my roommate says MAYBE i'll come to your concert. Well. I don't know who I am any more. Do I really have friends?

N o v e m b e r 5 , 2 0 0 3

今天shirley给我发了一篇Miro,她高中好友的写的东西.好长!看完了我有些感伤.每次看完这样的东西都会很感伤,觉得自己离中文越来越生疏了.自己曾经也很喜欢写文章,可是现在什么也不写了.
可是又如何开始,从哪里开始呢?每天忙于工作,学习,我都不知道这个世界除此之外还有什么意义了.我到底在乎什么,到底在想些什么呢?我的理想在哪里?我现在在努力地实现我的理想吗?

finally finished my anthropology paper today! so proud of myself. and it is the first time in my entire life that actually enjoyed writing and editing a paper. a significant step for me.
shirley got an A on her poli sci paper. i'm so happy for her. she was showing me her pictures from the summer. damn she has so many pictures!

have to finish the stupid engineering probability homework tonight. i hate that professor, and i hate gamma functions. they don't make any sense. but just gotta do it >:0

O c t o b e r 3 1 , 2 0 0 3

it's halloween! everyone is partying!!! even yijen came out to party!!! it's unbelievable.

i'm all alone again. up in my room. i'm not quite sure how to describe how i feel right now. it feels right, but it doesn't feel completely good - but i always thought when it feels right it should feel good as well

lots of fun tonight though. haven't had that in a while. was at shirley/eugene's party first. danced with a russian guy. he was not a bad dancer, but the "dj" kept playing some ace of base songs, which i don't mind, but it got to the point when every fucking single song was ace of base. yeah. kinda fed up with that. imbert came as well, but he didn't seem comfortable with that whole dancing scene. hahaha he's such a dork but he won't admit it. i don't "discriminate" dorks, but i kinda feel bad that he wasn't having fun. oh well, it's all good.

then we went to carl's frat house. TONS of people there. mostly white. but carl is an asian dude, from nanjing i think. martin, a gay guy was playing with my hair, "i love it", he said. "oh keep on playing with it, i love it when people plays with my hair", i said. "but it's so stalkish". oh...who cares

shirley and eugene were locking lips most of the time! and IN FRONT of everyone. man, that's so ... eugene was like, "hey maggie, this is what you're missing" and he kisses shirley. i was like.."well, actually, i'm missing more than that." hehe.

then we went to the lamda party. wasn't bad. danced with saien&bryan, shirley&eugene, anne's crowd, yijen's crowd, myself. then danced more. got so tired. victoria and yijen wanted to go to the singaporean party but they couldn't find me when they left. oh well.

i didn't like the fact that some guys were sort "using" me. they kinda take turns dancing with me, like i'm some sort of not special dancer. that sucks. i excused myself outta the dancing crowd.

anyways. it's still kinda "early". well, for a party night it is kinda early. music is still blasting outside. not sure if i'd be able to sleep like this. i tagged along shirley and eugene when they came back - they were doing their own stuff and kinda didn't wait for me but i couldn't help but tag along at that point - i needed to come back home.

i feel like i'm realizing something. this is actually the first time i'm all out partying, feeling like myself partying instead scared, insecure, don't-know-what-to-do partying. i was having fun. i was "i need to get a drink" when i needed to get away from someone. i was dancing like no one's watching. i don't know what happened, but i was just really really myself today and it felt so good.

but then i realize, myself aren't all that into this stuff. yeah i had fun. i had fun dancing with a lot of people, i had fun being crazy, joking around. everything. it was just so cool. but i don't know. i like it better when it was a smaller party. and i don't know, i like the gay guys. not like, like them, but it's cool talking to them. they won't try to get into my pants. they just joke with me, hang out, be silly. they're cool.

lamda is like all asians, which is cool. but i start to feel like, i've seen all these people. i don't know them and honestly i'm in no hurry to get to know them either. i don't know if it's just cos everyone's at a party so they seem so much more shallowy and playful that i feel like they don't have that much depth therefore i won't connect with them, or it's because all the real cool people aren't at the party. i don't know. i don't think it's the latter. i'm sure there are cool people there. but ironically, some really cool might exactly be the ones who sit around, looking extremely uncomfortable in the corner cos he was thinking the same.

i want to meet more people. just as friends. hang out, have fun, exchange ideas. haha that sounds really serious. but yeah what i realize is that partying is a good way to satisfy some of my dancing cravings, but probably not a good way to meet new people.

after a long tired day, i just wanna go back to my zhuzhu's arms. yeah that would be really nice. i have a home there, in his arms.

should wash my face and go to sleep now. i feel...still feel weird in a way. something is making me slightly unhappy. i'm not sure what it is. i guess i'm just feeling kinda lonely that's all. but it all will be ok.

O c t o b e r 2 9 , 2 0 0 3

how did i manage to do that, i don't know. constantly changing. being selfish. looking for what's best for myself
i wonder three years later, where would i be?

was reading some doug's blog. ha. they've all got cool names for "diary" or "journals" nowadays, BLOG. i guess i'm not cool enough for that :P yeah i'm sticking to the same ol' "diary", finish off where i have started. but it's really not a "diary" any more since i don't write everyday. i don't write for ages.

was watching some jap porn today. the girl pretended to be raped. sick :P

my current AIM profile. i'm gonna change it so keeping it on record

_____
you make me come. you make me complete. you make me completely miserable.
"The best men are like good coffee: rich, warm, and can keep me all night long." ~ anonymous
LOL

they should include that in one of those engineering intro courses. sure lots of us would quit :-D
____

i just cleaned out my trash. damn it smelled like...like...that familiar rubber smell...crazy weekend :P

O c t o b e r 2 7 , 2 0 0 3

it truly has been a journey. Love will only go strong after this.

kai downloaded this song on my computer when he came to visit me this weekend. i asked him if he was trying to say something to me through this song. judge for yourself:

难以忘记初次见你
一双迷人的眼睛
在我脑海
你的身影挥散不去，
握你的双手感觉你的温柔，
真的有点透不过气，
你的天真，我想珍惜。
看到你受委屈我会伤心，
只怕我自己会爱上你，
不敢让自己靠的太近，
怕我没什么能够给你。
爱你也需要很大的勇气
只怕我自己会爱上你，
也许有天会情不自禁，
想念只让自己苦了自己，
爱上你是我情非得以。
什么原因
我竟然又会遇见你？
我真的真的不愿意就这样陷入爱的陷井。

i've been listening to this song nonstop yesterday and today. as if the more i listen to it, the more i'd be able to read into it

O c t o b e r 1 4 , 2 0 0 3

we were as one
for a moment in time
and it seemed everlasting
that you would always be mine
now you want to be free
so i let you fly
cos i know in my heart
our love will never die

you'll always be a part of me
you'll always be my baby
time can't erase feeling this strong

i'll try not to cry
and i won't beg you to stay
i won't stand in your way

but you will always be in my heart

~~Mariah Carey "Always be my baby"

****************************

If you're lost you can look and you will find me
Time after time
If you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
Time after time

~~Cyndi Lauper "Time after time"

****************************

You are the promised kiss of springtime
That makes the lonely winter seem long
You are the breathless hush of evening
That trembles on the brink of a lovely song

You are the angel glow that lights a star
The dearest things I know are what you are

Some day my happy arms will hold you
And some day I'll know that moment divine
When all the things you are, are mine

~~Ella Fitzgerald "All the things you are"

****************************

You make me come
You make me complete
You make me completely miserable

~~Lit "Miserable"

****************************

this is our last dance together
tonight will soon be long ago
and in our moment of parting
this is what i want you to know

there won't be any nights like this
i'll be standing here with someone new
there will be other songs to sing. another fall, another spring
but there would never be another you

there will be other lips that i may kiss
but they won't thrill me like yours use to do
yes i may dream a million dreams
but how can they come true
if there will never ever be, another you

~~Nat King Cole "There will never be another you"

****************************

那个夏天, 过的飞一样的快
躺在学校的草地, 看天上变换云彩
说着梦想,说着喜欢的东西
什么都不能阻挡我, 去追求那未来

离开了家,来到陌生的地方
发现一切都不简单,生活有好也有坏
少了你,有一点点奇怪,像什么忘了带

Tell me why,
为什么快乐又单纯的年代,消失的那么快
为什么那些想要留住的感觉,找不回来

tell me why
再见到你,会不会有一些距离
交换生活中的精彩,感觉却拉不回来
我们坐在,曾经坐过的地方
看着好像当年的我们,牵手的情侣
风吹着,我们走在回忆里
一点一滴慢慢倒带,想起纯真那段爱
但是你我终将远在千里之外

那颗星,比想象的遥远
长大后的我们,慢慢忘了怎么摘
看见自己有一点无奈
也许你不在,也许放不开

~~Tension "Tell my Why", edited

****************************

with or without you
i can't live
with or without you

~~U2 "With or without you"

***************************

you're always gonna be my love
i'll remember to love
you taught me how

you will always be inside my heart
i hope that i have a place in your heart

~~Utadu Hikaru "First love"

*****************************

除了爱你还能爱谁?

*****************************

迎着风向前行 我们已经一起走到这里
偶而想起过去 点点滴滴如春风化做雨 润湿眼底
憎相会 爱别离 人生怎会可能尽如人意
缘字终难猜透 才进心里 却已然离去
没有谁能忘记 这真挚情谊
你会祝福我 我也会祝福你 且把泪水轻轻拭去 期待再相遇
就算相见无期 在某个夜里 你会想起我 我也会想起你
默契永存你我心底 情缘系千里 且行且珍惜
窗外景物飞逝 机缘轻触匆匆来匆匆去 且行且珍惜

~~张信哲 "且行且珍惜"

take care kai. i cannot say enough to express what i feel. i wish you all the happiness in the world and i will take care of myself. because i know you'd care too.

i thought about the difference between 情人, 恋人 and 爱人. different degree of love.

O c t o b e r 1 3 , 2 0 0 3

good bye my love.
i never thought we'd let it go. but we did
you are always in my heart
only you make me complete

*****************************

for all this time you stood by me, for all the truth you made me see
for all the joy you brought to my life, for all the wrong that you made right
for every dream you made come true, for all the love i found in you
i'll be forever thankful
you're the one who held me up, never let me fall
you're the one who saw it through, through it all

you were my strength when i was weak. you were my voice when i couldn't speak
you were my eyes when i couldn't see. you saw the pains there was in me
lifted me up when i couldn't reach
you gave me faith cos you believe
i'm everything i am, because you loved me

you gave me wings and made me fly. you touched my hands i could touch the sky
i lost my faith you gave it back to me. you said no stars were out of reach
you stood by me i stood tall. i had your love i had it all
i'm grateful for each day you gave

You were always there for me. the tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration. through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

i don't know much but i know, i'm blessed because i was loved by you

i'm everything i am because you loved me

~~Celine Dion "Because you loved me"

O c t o b e r 1 1 , 2 0 0 3

看沉默的电话它什么都不说
看电视的画面它无声的闪动
看街上的行人跟我擦肩而过
整个世界太冷漠
我没有力气再往前走

看你紧闭的嘴唇它什么都不说
看你飘忽的眼神它无情的闪躲
看你和我的回忆和我擦肩而过
你的改变太冷漠
我没有勇气大声说

告诉我
你不是真的离开我
你不愿这样的夜里把冷酷留给我
告诉我, 你不是真的离开我
你是要惩罚我的爱让你失去自由
告诉我...

O c t o b e r 9 , 2 0 0 3

后来我总算学会了如何去爱

可惜你早已远去消失在人海

O c t o b e r 7 , 2 0 0 3

i'm not sure why and what i did last night. i'm still trying to comprehend my own mind but i don't think i have time for this right now.

love hurts

J u l y 1 4 , 2 0 0 3