9/7/04
It’s officially my birthday today!!! I’m now 16, I feel so old, all my friends who came to my party where surprised. So yesterday I came home from Mac’s cabin. I put away my stuff to get ready for my guest. Serena came first and we hung out watching TV in my basement for awhile. When we where gonna leave I called Meredith to tell her we’d pick her up but she said she was on her way. So when Meredith arrived my dad took us to the mall. Once there we mete Laura at the skating rank. We looked around at a few shops, ate lunch, hung out, and then we called my dad to pick us up after a few hours. When we got back to my house Anna N. arrived exactly the same time we did. It was funny so Serena, Meredith and I locked her out. Then of course we let her in eventually. We watched TV, pigged out, and played pool and darts. Then we decided to go see Andy, only God knows why they wanted to. His sister said he’s in Iowa. Poor Meg, not….. She had a fucking barbecue on my BIRTHDAY, so she couldn’t come to my party. She invited some of my friends to it too. But she didn’t invite ME. I felt, and still do, like shit. So since Andy wasn’t home we went to see Ian. It was SO freaking funny!!! We asked his mom if he was there, and they where talking for like five minets I swear till he came out. He started laughing and said: “My mom came down and said there’s six girls here to see you.” And we all laughed our asses off. He had his video camera so he asked us to pose for him. Probably just to prove to his friends we all came to see him. So we talked to him for awhile and then he said he had a friend over in the basement who didn’t want to come up so he went back to him. He gave me a Happy Birthday High Five; I was surprised. So once we got back to my house Serena’s dad come to pick her up after a little bit. I’m gonna miss her so much!!! She was my favorite person to hang out with at the party. I felt like a someone with her. So we took forever to say good-by and she says she want to come and spend the night soon. She also wants me to send her my play performance days so she can come. After she left the rest of us hung out some more and then decided to go to Sam’s house. I find that creepy, Anna and Meredith say they are SO over him, but they really don’t act like it. Anna say’s they’re still friends, but Meredith says they’re nothing now which I SO don’t believe. We his house is on the other side of my freaking street!!! So Laura gets too tired half way there. I wanted to stay with her but she didn’t have a cell phone so we’d pretty much be screwed. So I told her I’d go with the other two and I’d call my dad to pick her and us up. (We where gonna rent movies anyway and his house is on the way to the store.) So I eventually caught up to them and it turned out Sam wasn’t home. His house is creepy though, maybe just cause he’s been gone a while. So I finally call Dad and he picks us all up. We went to Hollywood Video to rent some movies, mostly horror movies. So we brought those back to my house and watched movies all night. Anna and I where the only ones to stay up the whole time through the night. Actually she probably doesn’t count cause she did get a few min. of sleep. She did way better than Meredith and Laura though, they where out around three probably. So the next day, today, we mostly just continue to hang out. Once Laura and Serena went home though I felt like a total outcast. I hate hanging out with best friends and not having anyone with me. So they ignore me a bunch and hang out with my little BROTHER of all people. The person I probably hate MOST in the world right now. So I get SUPER depressed and start things are happening, and then I just hate myself for what I’m thinking. I got angry at them and they didn’t get why I was mad at them for a little bit. Now I’m just mad at myself though, and what a looser I am. Well, I sent them an apology and Meredith says everything’s fine. Whatever, things are not gonna be like last year. I think I need new friends, Meg’s changed on me, Anna’s changed on me, Laura’s kinda changed, and Serena’s now gone. I have no one. Meredith has Anna N. Meg has Anna O. Laura and I just will tag along. I’m probably gonna hang out with Kathryn for awhile. Well…. On a happy note here’s what I got for my birthday: Make-up: Serena Pajamas: Mom Beanie Baby: Dad Ashlee Simpson CD: Mike $20: Ant, uncle, and cousins on my mom’s side of the family. Wristband: Anna Dad gave me another $20 when Mom wasn’t looking so I’ll probably call one of my friends who I know will not make me miserable and go shopping with them. When I went to the mall we didn’t go to many stores.

9/3/04
AAAAAAAAA!!!!!! Ok, last play practice we had a photo shoot for our promotion poster, and guess what!?! I was one of the very few people in it!!!! Ack, I hope to see the pictures befor their out, I hope they're good cause I thought the costume I had to wear that day was hideous!!! If I am ugly, I hope no one I knows sees it. Not that I'm extremly self conciouse or anything but I don't want people to think I'm a complete and total looser, and that's pretty much how I look in the picture as far as I know. It'll depend on what kind of mood I'm in I guess, some times I don't give a damn what people think and other times I'm really sensitive to what people think. I'm just a very complicated person I guess.

9/1/04
Been busy with play, I love it it's so much fun. I get to stop worring about myself and be someone else. The play I'm doing is called "The Children's Hour" and I'm Rosalie. I updated my other journal a lot with stuff I've been doing so you should see that. Maybe I'll just copy some entrys into here.

8/22/04
Let me see, I didn't do anything that special on vacation. I saw "The Little Black Book" which wasn't very good, and I saw "The Princess Diary's Two" which was REALLY good. I think the main guy is SO hot. I can't stop thinking about camp, and how much I miss certain people. I had a bunch of weird/random dreams when I was on my trip. I stayed at the Royal Valhalla in Nevada by Lake Tahoe and I beleave it's ether in or near Carson City. If you ever get the chance to go there go there. It's really pretty and there's something for everyone to do. I went to Fallen Leaf lake too when I was there with my family. It's a small beach but I guess it was ok. I hung out with these old, nice ladys a few times named Alice and Dorthy. They told me about a lot of cool stuff.
Yesterday I had a play meeting at my drama teachers house. It was cool to see my friend Kathyrn again. The ladie helping Jane freaks me out but I think I can deel with it. Mom says I'm gonna be busy all week with play but I think she read the scedule wronge or something. So maybe I wont get to update as much/soon as I'd like too. Mom also wants me to prepare for State Fair and she want me to study my driving book so I can get my permit befor school starts. I'm so scared to take it again. I don't wanna fail it, I'd feel like such a loser and I'd beat myself up over it again.
Later that day Joe came over and I got to hang out with him. He cutt his hair!!! O well, I still think he's cool even though he doesn't look very cute now. He got so freakN tall when I was gone!!!

8/11/04
I've been so freakN busy it's CRAZY!!! Sorry that I haven't had much to update with people. I've had some free time on the computor but I just wasn't in "the mood" to make stuff, so I feel kinda bad that I didn't use the time I had.
Let's see, I'm reading my last entry to think what I need to tell ya. I ended up getting one champion on my herb poster (wich my mom put together so it's sad) and two reserve champions, they where for a picture I took and the other one was for cavie conformation. So I was super busy during fair work, or just walking around waiting for my next thing to do.
I went to my friend's Anna N's birthday party though sometime during fair week. We saw "The Village" at Loid Center Cinamas. It wasn't scary at all and I don't think it should be called a horror movie. After we went to the mall and hung out for a few hours and looked at/bought stuff. It was fun, I was glad to finally get to spend some time with people I know.
Last week I went to camp. It wasn't as fun as I thought it would be, but I still had fun. I thought I was gonna go back to camp and everything would start off how we left it and all the C.I.T.s would be best friends the whole weeks. The other people turned into snobs and decided to leave me out of conversations and stuff, Pink Monkey says it was probably my fault though for not trying to get in on them. That's just not the kind of person I am, I'd rather people talk to me than the other way around. I did talk a few times with them but it always seamed weird and we had short conversations. Or I'd say something and they'd used what I said to have something to talk about but they'd talk to eachother and not me. I liked my cabin group I stayed with of 5th and 6th graders. I made good friends with Bobcat/Danny and Webfoot/Devon I think.
This week since I've been home, I had one free day, one day I went to a party, one day where I went to Mac's, and yesterday I went to the mall with Erica and Amanda. We saw "Catwoman" I thought it was pretty good. We hung out at the mall for an hour befor. We tried on random cloaths from Hot Topic and looked at the animals in the petstore. Yesterday was a fun day but everything I've done has worn me out. Today I'm babysitting my seaven year old nephue Joe, who's totally hyper but I love him to death anyway. Well that's all I can think of to say for now,
Katie

p.s.
O ya, I'm going to Lake Tahoe in Nevada/California for a week and I'm leaving tomorrow.

7/27/04
This may seam weird but I keep getting this feeling that I'm gonna write something in my journal and someone I know is gonna read it, and have gossip on me when I get back to school. So that's why I haven't been updating. I think I'm gonna start keeping personal things to myself for a bit though.
I've been really tired/board for some time now no matter what I'm doing. It kinda sucks. I've been doing a bunch of projects for fair. On Sunday, I helped set the place up, on Monday I took most of my stuff there and had a ton of interviews with judges. I got mostly blue ribbions so far and I find out tomorrow (hopefully, if who ever I'm with lets me) if I won any champions or reserve champions. If ya go to the washington county fair PLEASE don't look for my stuff, some of it I REALLY don't want people to see that I know.
Today I entered all my horticulture stuff, which is like flowers and vegtables. I got five blues and four reds, not to bad for my first time with absolutly no knowlege at all of the stuff I entered. Judges yesterday talked FOREVER but the ones today where really quick so I got to go home sooner which I guess is nice. I used to be part of Multnomah county and we had fair at Oak's Park, so I didn't get to see any of my friends from there since the goverment doesn't want to pay for 4-H in Multnomah. *swears nastily* So I don't know many people in washington county and the ones I do know I don't like much. (I hope no fair people read this) This girl, who like think's she's my best friend, kept smiling at me and patting me on the back, it kinda disturbed me. Don't ya hate it when someone really likes you but you just can't force yourself to like them back??? It sucks and I feel like a real b**** for avoiding her.
One of my BEST friends sent me an e-mail this morning. Serina told me she had moved to Clackamas and her mom wont let her go to Cleveland, I'm SSSOOO sad. I'm gonna miss her SO much. I'm still in total disbelief, hopefully she lives in the part of clackamas that's not to far from me so we can still hang out a lot. I keep wishing she'll tell me she was joking in her next e-mail, I hope she is even though that'd be kinda mean.

7/18/04
I'm back from my week and a half in Tahoe. It was really pretty. The day I went there sucked though cause I had a horrible pain in my side, + I got really car sick and was puking a bunch. So when we finally got there at 7 pm, we started at like 6 am, I went to the hospital. I had to stay there till like, 11 pm. The next day I had some check ups too and they gave me lots o Morphine to help with the pain. I'm not gonna go into detail about what happened cause it's gross. Some of my parents friends came over for a bit and I made $20 from babysitting there kids who are 8 and 1. They're pretty cool actually. I didn't really do anything super special, we went places, I got to chill at the hotel since I was.... sick I guess, and I got to go swimming and hot tubing. I didn't meet anyone cool unfortunatly. Got to play video games, and did a little bit of shopping.
Mac and I got this art programe yesterday that I'm really excited to check out!!! You can make your own video game characters and stuff, it looks SSSOOO cool!!!

6/27/04
Just got back from 4-H Summer Conference, the camp I said I was gonna go to. I was there for about three days. It was kinda boring and I feel like I wasted my time. I did make this cool rug that I could enter at fair though. Rosie from my councilor training group was there and I hung out with her a lot. I also mete this guy named Kyle who's pretty cool. I mete some other people from Washington County. They're really weird, and just bug me for some reason. There aren't many people I don't like but for right now they're one of them. They act like they're all smart and friendly and stuff, but when they say something like, "You can hang out with us at lunch today." they don't save you a seat, they just sit at a table for the amount of people in their group. All of them get to be ambassadors which really pisses me off!!! I went to the stupid training, and I spent like three hours on my essay and they didn't except me!!! I totally wasted my time; I could've used the time on my essay to get a higher grade in my stupid global studies class, so instead of having and B+ I could've had an A. Then I would've had an A in all my classes. I like it when the grades are the same, the B just totally stands out. And stupid Sam is trying to be all buddy buddy with me and I just want him to leave me alone!!! I knew he'd get what he applied for cause he's a guy and he keeps on talking about how he hopes he's in and all the other random crapp and I'm sick of his dragging on about everything. Trace was doing similar stuff, they both drive me nutts!!! I don't know, maybe I'm in a bad mood and tomorrow I'll be better so I'm sorry that I'm b****ing at all you just like they've been doing to me which makes me feel like SUCH a shallow person. So I'm sorry but I just need to get my feelings out there so I can move on.

6/22/04
I've been SO busy lately and I feel really bad for not having time to update. I wish I had a labtop I could bring on vacations with me so I could make dolls or update something but I can't so I'm really sorry. I have to leave for camp for a week tomorrow so I wont be able to update for that much longer.
This weekend I went to councilor training for the 4-H Jr. Wildlife Stewards camp I go to every year. I can't beleave I might be a councilor!!! I really hope I get to go, right now it looks like they'll only need six girls and six guys. I got to hang out with Pink Monkey, Daffy, and Orca so that was a lot of fun. I've been waiting for camp like ALL year.
Befor camp I went to San Fransisco for a couple of days with my family. It was ok I guess. I went on a trollie and the subway for the first time in my life. My family and I went to a baseball game, several parks, and looked at a lot of stores. Unfortunatly I didn't get anything, o well. I found some really cool shirts but they where way to expensive so I didn't have my dad buy them for me even though he said he would.

5/29/04
I thought I've been updating this recently, oops. Well I got in the play!!! Results took forever to come butt I don't mind cause I'm in, I'M IN!!! I can't believe it. Kathryn got in too and my friend Andrew got in also. He's Joe, I'm so happy for him; I thought someone older would get the part. Pretty much all freshmen (who are gonna be sophomores soon *eep*) got in. Take that sophomores/juniors and juniors/seniors!!! I'm Rosalie and Kathryn’s Lois. We're both extremely excited and can't wait for practices.
Finals are coming up and I'm SO not looking forward to them. Ug, there's so much to learn is so little time. I have to memorize a bunch of Spanish words and how to conjugate them, (which I suck at) relearn algebra from several months ago, (I'm ok at that) learn all my lines for the play I'm doing for drama, memorize a bunch of Latin words for biology, (I'm not sure if that's the final quiz or if there's something else) memorize all the states in the US and their capitals and all the countries in the world, (which I'm horrible at) and run a mile in ten seconds. (It's kinda hard but REALLY painful, I've never done it this year under eleven minuets so I'm gonna have to work hard to finish in time)
Seniors graduated on Wednesday.*crys*I'm gonna miss my buddies sssooo much!!! I found out that Devin's one of them, that totally sucks; I thought he was a sophomore or junior. I gave him my number and he said he'd keep in touch with me. I hope he does call me, I can't believe I like a senior though, I've never liked someone that much older than me before.

5/21/04
Wow, I've been so busy lately with play tryouts which is why I haven't been updating much. I've been going to try outs every day and the week befor I went three day for a reading. Monday is callbacks and she said she'll have some of the cast list up. I REALLY hope I'm in, I think I did a really good job and that's what she and a whole bunch of other people told me. I really like the play, the others I tried out for I didn't like much but this one I really do like. It's call The Childrens Hour or something like that. I just love all the characters in it and wouldn't mind playing any of them. My favorite is probably Mary though, she has so much attitude and spunk!!! It's so much fun to play. Mrs. Mortar (the villian) is kind of the same way but she's a teacher. Any of Mary's friends would be fun too, or maybe Rosalie but she reminds me to much of myself for some weird reason. I wish I could be Karen and someone like Colin could be Joe, then we'd get to kiss!!! (LOL) Of course I'd like it better if Joe was Colton. I tried to get him to try out but he said soccer was more important to him. I hope my friend Kathyrn gets in too, then we could hang out more often.

5/16/04
I haven't been writing here for awhile, I've mostly been writing in my other diary, my reel one at my house. Maybe I'll look through it later cause I'm kinda having a brain fart for what I've been up to. I'll just put what I remember right now. Most of last week I read a play after school in the drama room. For two days, it's a really cool play called "The Children's Hour" I really hope my friends and I get into it. Not many people where there but tryouts for the play are this week so I'll see how many people show up then. I have a good feeling about it cause some of the characters remind me of myself and my drama teacher who's in charge of the play really knows me kind of. Hopefully that will work to my advantage, but when I was reading last week she said I did a really good job and told me who to try out for (a lot of characters actually) and she just seamed like she really wanted me in the play, like it was meant for me or something.
I had a big fight with Amanda and Gordon on Thursday, I hate them right now, they are so rude and I don't want to deal with them anymore. They're so stupid, they do something awful to me and then I leave them right after they do that and they ask me what's wrong!!! I HATE when people do that, they're just playing stupid and it totally pisses me off!!! I never want to talk to Amanda again, she's such a _____. She was totally rude to me and talked about things I've told her a million times not to talk about and she helped __________ Gordon insulting me. That's not a very good friend if you ask me. Everyone's taking my side though thank god, now none of us will have to put up with her and if there's any brains left in that girl she'll change her ways and beg for forgiveness. If she screws up one more time after that though I'm not being nice to her ever again, I've given her way to many chances just like I did with Katie Crabbe. I'm not gonna have another person like her in my life right now, there's no reason I should.
Meg's b-day is coming up, she's gonna have a party and she want ME to go to it, I can't wait!!! My friends almost never ask me to do stuff with them besides lunch time, I usually have to ask them, and now they're asking me, I'm so excited!!! So I'm trying to hook Meg up with the guy she likes right now, he's totally for it but she keeps getting shy on me which she almost NEVER does. She thought when I got him to talk to her that he wasn't talking to her cause she wasn't really listening I guess so she was upset. I told her everything he said to her, she felt stupid, so I'm gonna try again. She says she'll invite him to her party but I'm not sure.
Serena was having problems on Friday too. For some stupid reason she thinks she ugly or she just wants attention. She was hiding in her sweatshirt all day and being miserable no matter what people told her. I can't believe she thinks that, she's like the prettiest person I know!!! Having her be that way just made me feel one-hundred times worse about myself, cause, what would you do if your idol thought they where nobody and just hated them self??? So I did something stupid when I was depressed and Meg got mad at me so she stopped being depressed to make me less depressed. She said I wasn't ugly, (cause I know Serena’s WAY prettier than me and if she was ugly I must be hideous) I didn't believe her and said so, I told her all the horrible things Gordon and Amanda had said about me the previous day that had to do with my looks then said no guy would ever like me. Meg said that wasn't true and that Colton (the guy I have a MAJOR crush on) thought/told her that I was really pretty. I was sad longer but later I was totally physique that she told me that, it totally made my day!!! I can't wait to go to school and see him tomorrow. Depressed Serena told me that he might have a girlfriend though, ug, that's the only reason I was still depressed after Meg said that. Hopefully that's not true and I'm gonna believe that till Colton tells me something about the girl he likes/is dating.
On Friday my P.E. class went to the field to do our usual choice of activities. On our way back to school to change out of no where I saw Eric!!! My friend/past crush that went to Idaho. I snuck up behind him and give him the tightest hug I could, I was about ready to cry I was so happy. So he talked to me on our way back and I gave him another hug when I had to go change and said I'd miss him a lot and he said he would too. He said on the way there that he was gonna come on weekends to visit his mom for sometime and he might see us (my friends and I) more often. I'm SSSOOO happy, that made my day too, but not as much as knowing the fact that Colton thinks I'm pretty. Yea, anyway, when I went to my dad's car to go home (P.E.'s my last class) Eric said goodbye to me from across the street. *sigh* If he comes back to Cleveland next year like I've heard I would SO steel him away from Amanda, she doesn't even like him that much and he deserves better.

5/5/04
I went to the camp most people go to through my 4-H councilor training group this weekend. I can't beleave how much fun I had. Everyone was SO nice to me. I spent two days with some REALLY hot, super nice guys. I can't beleave they let me breath the same air as them. (lol, I'm so boy crazy right now it's sad) I meet this one guy who looks exactly how I'd want my ideal guy to look. Like if I could creat a perfect looking man, that would be him, it was kind of.... wow. On the last day and late at night he hung out with me and we talked. (drools) When we did this circle thing to say what we learned and what we liked about camp, it was an inside outside cirle where you hold hands with the people one person away from you, his arm was wraped around MY waist!!! (he stood next to me, thinking we'd hold hands) So that was SO cool, when he or I had to unlink with someone he still left his arm around my waist, and for awhile when the thing was over!!! There's this really funny sweet guy I hung out with for awhile too. (ok I flirted with lots of guys,lol)OK, I need to stop myself, he he. I made lots of friends that where girls too. The staff said not everyone's gonna be a councilor which is sad, I hope all my friends get to be one.

4/12/04
I think this year, Easter was the best one ever for me. I got to hang out with one of my best friends and sisters Mac. It seams like I haven't seen her in person forever!!! We had dinner over at this guys house that she likes. The guy she likes had a friend over that I had a HUGE crush on in middle school. We where totally FLIRTING with eachother!!! It was wonderfull. He has the CUTTEST smile, and the way his face lights up when he sees me is just adorible, plus he's REALLY nice and funny. He shadowed at my school today, he did have school so he just came to mine, we didn't talk much cause he wanted to catch up with some of his old friends for Sellwood which I can understand. We said hi though and smiled at eachother. Besides that I had a pretty crummy day though which I don't wanna get into.

4/7/04
I'm officially in love with Meg right now!!! Wait.... not in THAT WAY for all you sickos out there. I was pretty depressed this moring and I told her some stuff I did yesterday when I was sick and I think I scared her. She must've been willing to do anything to make sure I didn't kill myself soon. (I'm stilll in total disbelief.) So here's what she did to cheer me up, today in Drama my teacher told us to get in groups to make up a quick scene. She got COLTON to be in our group!!! (screams at the top of my lungs) So it was a group of her, Kautherine, Max, Colton and me. (Colton and me, doesn't that sound nice.*grins ear to ear*)

4/3/04
Just got back from Joe's, my nephue, birthday party. He's sevean now, he had a blast. I love em to death, he's so cute!!! So I got to chase him and his friends around at Chucky Cheese for a few hours. I've learned in life though that things can't be great (at least for me) very long. Towards the end of the party Dad came to me and told me that Bill, my oldest brother, had another son. So now I'm an aunt to two people. Bill didn't know about him for a year, it's really sad. He hooked up with a different girl I guess and she thought Westly was someone else's son, not Bill's. So it was finally proven that Bill was the father of West but the girl didn't tell him for a year. I can't imagine doing that to someone. So now Mom's waiting for me to screw up just like my brothers have. She's gonna watch every move I make and ask millions of questions and I'll probably never be able to have guys over when she's around with out starting a fight with her. This is all just happening to fast. Thank god it's the weekend though so I can sorta sort myself out befor school starts agion. Hopefully all hell wont break loose over here, espeshally when Bill brings West over tomorrow to celebrate Joe's reel b-day.

3/28/04
I had a sleep over yesterday with my friends Anna, and Anna. It was a lot of fun. We played darts and cards, pig out, watched tv, and talked. It's been spring break for me in case I haven't mentioned so I guess that's been nice but I gatta go back to school tomorrow. To be honest though I can't wait to go back, I miss all the people I see there that I don't see outside school.

3/21/04
Yep my parents definatly know I'm depressed, Dad's buyN me everything I want and Mom just bought me a whole new wardrobe. She hates spending over 30's bucks on one item of cloathing and she did plenty of that today. They'd never do that stuff otherwise. They're also tryN to spend lots of time with me as well. I feel so spoiled an horrible about all this, I don't wanna make my family go broke cause I'm depressed.

3/19/04
*crys* I'm so miserble, Eric, my BEST guy friend, (and crush) has to move to Idaho on Monday!!! I'm probably never gonna see him agion. I just don't wanna live anymore, he's like the only person who understands me and knows how to make me happy when I'm depressed. I hate his mom, how could she be so evil and send him to his Grandpa's. WWWHHHYYYY!!! He doesn't even wanna go, he's just being sent away cause he's getting bad grades at school. It's SO stupid, if everyone's parents did that then 1/3 if the people in the US wouldn't be with their parents, it's incredably depressing. I don't see how I can go on anymore, I miss him and he's not even gone yet. Just writting this kills me, and he told me not to be upset, and I just can't. So I was making him really sad. I just feel so imcomplete now, what am I gonna do?

3/18/04
I'm so tired, I went to the Oregon Food Bank today with my Comp. Lit. class for some comunitie survice hours. It was a lot of work. We put lables on beet cans and made boxes for them. Then after a few hours of doing that we took a tour of the building and then cleaned up our mess we made. The bus ride there and back took for ever but I have a lot of friends in that class so it was kinda fun.
Amanda's kreepN me out, she's actN like a lesbien agion and she's always talking to me and the thing is she has a BOYFRIEND!!! A really great nice boyfriend who I'd kill to have. He's my friend to and I don't want her to break his heart, he's kind of sensitive. I just don't get why she want to break up with him.
Yesterday I went to a camp councilor training meeting for 4-H. It was really fun, what we where learning that day was kind of boring but the people in my class are really nice. (and most of them are older than me!!!)

3/11/04
Been super suicidally depressed lately. I hope I don't have to go back to that freako phyciatrist agion, Dad's been noticing too. Everything seams to be going wrong. The main thing that's buging me this very minet is that my "friend" Amanda has desided to like the same guy as me. I told her one day who I like and then the next day she told me that she likes him and that people are trying to hook them up. It sucks, cause it seams like the only reason she like him is cause I like him. She didn't show ANY interest in him untill I told her I like him. Now they're (according to her) hanging out and talking on the phone with each other. I just don't like her right now. She has the nerve to ask me to ask him if he'll go out with her. (uuuuuuuuggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!) It's not fair, these are things I wanted to do with him. I was working on coming up with the courage to ask him out, and I think she knows that. She just likes making me miserble I swear, I tell her not to talk about certain things with me and she does it anyways.
My group I've been hanging out with just seams like they don't give a damn about me any more. I haven't hung out with them for two days and they saw me at school and didn't ask why I wasn't with them. They saw me get up set with d*** a** Andy and no one came after me when I left CRYING!!! O ya they know how to make me feel special. With my luck Meg will probably cancel on me for Friday. Our plan is to see Chicago at the Keller Theater. I spent lunch today at my locker practally alone doing homework crying. Sillas was doing the same thing - the crying part. I don't really know him though. I don't think he knows who I am but his friend that came over asumed I was with him hanging out or something. He talked to me a couple of times. I think just cause he was board. Maybe somethiing will go right with him. We're both miserble people who hate folks at school.
When I did my Drama performance on Thursday (I had to wear the uglest dress!!!) I did pretty good and the class seamed to like the skitt. There where no interuptions, the room was completly silent. On other people's performances people where talking and making noise and dosing off. So there's something positive for this entry. You folks must be tired of me b*******.
Well... I think I got most of my anger out. I can't think of anything to say so I'm just gonna stop. Thanks for reading my journal. I hope I'm not making you depressed.

3/3/04
Hmmm haven't updated a bit. I've slowed down on the site stuff cause no one's signing my tagboard anymore. According to my site stats though tons of people come here. Maybe it's counting me too. I wonder if this layout has a bad navigation sytstem too. I've been looking for other layouts but my computor wont download them for some reason. I still haven't figured out why. So ether I'll have to stick with the layouts I have now or make my own.
I've been depressed lately. It just seems like no one truely likes me. I don't know why I feel this way, everyone just seams so fake. Today John asked me why I left my old group. I told him cause Meg wanted me to hang with her friends and I thought no one from that group would miss me. He says they do but I don't beleave him. I'm not sure if I wanna go back to them or not. There's a lot of people and some of them I really don't like. I almost never talk to anyone except him and Katheryn. Maybe I will tomorrow to see what happens and then see if my current group notices I'm gone.
Today in Drama some of us watched Ann Frank. That's one of the plays the teacher choose for us to act parts out. I'm in the one for "Crimes of the Heart." I've never herd of it and I haven't seen the movie and the teacher says she can't find it so I might never see it. I read the whole play (cause I had to) but I don't remember it all. I get to play a girl who hasn't been laid in thirty years. (lucky me, geeeesshh thanks Racheal. I'm glad ya think I can play an old cyco ladie.) My character's name is Lenny. My partners are Kelly plaing Meg and Madeline playing Babe, Lenny's sisters. Any way back to what I was gonna say.... I was wathcing the movie hanging out with Katheryne. We(the part of the class in there) desided to turn off the lights. I don't know why but it felt so romantic. No teachers, room full of hot guys. Ug that would've been a great opportunity to make a move. (lol, I love the guys in that class.) I was good though and stayed in my seat and just thought about it. Some of the guys look really hot in the dark. (lol, what's wrong with me?) I really need to get a boyfriend. Then maybe I wont get these crazy thoughts any more. I need male contact!!! (rotf)(Mac if your reading this I'm sorry I know you don't have the chance)
In PE I talked to Eric a bit. We don't hang out like friends much anymore so maybe (here it is Mac!!!) he could be dating material. Everyone thinks I'm John's thoguh. Ug, he doesn't own me, I don't even like him that way. I barly consider him a freind. He's just the only guy that puts up with me for long. Plus I'm to nice to tell him to get lost.(some times I really wish I was a bitch) I hope he doesn't like me. What do I have to do to make guys know I'm single and not with John. This is a stupid problem/question I know so I'll just shut-up and write in my other journal so you don't have to read this.(then agion it was YOUR choice to, o well)
Well... that's all I think there is to tell for now. Next week should be more interesting for me. I got some fun stuff planned. I'll probably make my life really good or completly screw it up.

2/22/04
Everybody came that I envited to my party last night. I'm so happy. We had a lot of fun. We mostly just played pool and gossiped the whole time. We all looked really cute in our outfits we picked out for the danced. I felt like a princess as cheesy as that sounds to tell ya the truth. I don't dress up that often. The dance was fun for the most part. A few of us got to dance with boys. I got to talk to Coltin a bit but I think he was there with his (ug) girlfriend. (which completly sucks if that's the case.) He had plenty of people who wanted to slow dance with him so I'm sure he doesn't like me when he can have one of them so I'm trying to get over him.(as hard as that is) Poor Serinna didn't feel well after a while so she had to site down most of the time. I hope she'll be able to come to school tomorrow.
I burned my wrist recently and am typing with one hand right now (which I hate) and it really hurts right now so I'm gonna go do something that doesn't involve using my hand. (ya know what it's my right one so I might be screwed tomorrow.)

2/21/04
I went over to Megs yester day and we had a blast!!! We got our nails done and checked out some shoes. After that we hung out at her house a bit and played with her super cute kittie. Then we got dressed up and went to see the play Oklahoma. It was REALLY good. I liked all the special effects and the actors except the one who played Lorri, I didn't think she was that good. She was a great dancer but her acting kinda stunk. All the guys where amzing!!!
I'm having a party today later and I'll probably come back later to write about that. After the party I'm going to the Winter Formal for my school dance (I can't wait!!!) in my super cute dress I got.

2/14/04
I've been writting in my real journal lately, wonder if ya miss reading this,lol who am I kidding. O well for anyone wanting to know more about a teenagers life in highschool I'm updating for you. Or if your one of my friends wondering what's on my mind I'm sorry I haven't been putN my other stuff here.(rotflmao)
Ok ok lets act profesional Katie. Lets see in my last entry I said Eric wasn't talkN to me, well now he is and we're happy agion, or at least I am. We've been hanging out in PE. He's so funny it's rediculous. Maybe it'll start rubbing off on me. All the other guys that where ignoring me for awhile started talking to me agion too.
Yesterday I went to the liabrary with my global stuiddies group to find some information for our report. We desided to do our paper on Mad Cow Disease. It's so boring, I really didn't wanna do it but everyone else in my group did. I guess it was fun to hang out with Kautherine,Amanda,Tamarantha,and Ashely for awhile. We where there for lke... three hours, I thought I was gonna die. I didn't have much luck finding info for my part of the report. When I got home I called Meg and she got to my house after a few hours. We had fun. We ate, watched tv, and played darts and pool. Once we where worn out we went to sleep and today befor she left we watched tv some more and just talked. We wanna get together agion soon so I can't wait for that. She was depressed so I'm really glad I cheered her up.
Right now I'm tired cause I didn't get that much sleep and I should probably be doing homework right now but I'm not up to it. OOOO, on Thursday I hung out with Ana,Serina,Meradeth and (grins) Colton for awhile after school cause I had to wait for my neighbor to pick me up. It was great, I can't wait to see him agion. In Comp. Lit. since we're reading Romeo and Juliet our teacher told us to write a poem about someone we liked. So of course I wrote about him but I'm sure no one could figure that out. I don't think I'll ever tell him about it though. I thought about it on Thursday for like a seconed but then I figured it'd kreep him out.
Well.... that's all I can think of to write for now.

2/7/04
Board and avoiding hw that I sould probably be doing. I'm so tired. I went to a 4-H meeting today. None of the girls showed up so it was kinda weird being in a room full of guys.
V-Day's coming up (andI really wanna change the layout) and I really wish I had a guy to share it with. I don't think Eric likes me at all any more. I don't understand why though. I'm always there for him but he's never there for me. Something kinda bad happened to him this one day and I talked to him and tried to cheer him up and listened to what was on his mind but then when something bad happened to me recently he just didn't care and walked right past me even though he saw me sitting there cring. I don't get it, I haven't changed and I haven't noticed any change in him except for that one fact. Why doesn't he want to be friends with me as much as I wanna be friends with him? It's KILLING me I swear!!! Ok maybe I'm beN a bit over dramatic but I really want to be friends agion. John has kinda talked to me less too. We used to talk all the time and now we don't. Yesterday when I sat down to eat lunch with him he got up and left. It hurt. It's like some horrible rummer is going around school and now everyone hates me for it. Then there's this guy Asher I'm tring to make friends with but he wont let me. He think I'm this mean, horrible person which I don't understand. I treat him with nothing but kindness unless I'm being sarcastic which he does a lot too so he souldn't hate me for that. It seams like all my friends are hooking up and everyone I wanna hook up with is mad at me. Can you keep a secret??? I hope so but I'm startN to like my friend Colton agion. Everytime though lately when I talk to him he walks away or starts talking to someone else. It kills me. And now to make things even worse Natalie Higgions who HAS a bf already, is ALWAYS with him FLIRTING!!! It drives me insane, he was MINE 1st. (LOL) I sound so stupid. But I really like him and I want him to like me. We used to be such great friends and I still think of us as that but I don't think he does anymore. I left him alone for awhile and that didn't work and I talked to him a bunch and that didn't work and I gave him mediocore attention and that didn't work ether so I don't know what's going on with him. And he never talks about his feelings and thoughts anymore with me. He always just wants to know something or help him get his friend to do something.
Yesterday was like the worst day of my life it felt. Even though not much happened and right now I think it was stupid how I reacted to it all. I was bitching about Spanish because it was SO boring so that probably annoied John but I ALWAYS listen to him talk a bunch so I don't see the harm in that. Then in math the teacher kept making fun of me. I was using all these words that I thought where right but I guess where (according to him) improper english. Then in Drama the same thing happened and Katherine (she thinks she's so perfect) got these people to take her side. I didn't care that she was right I just wanted to use my words. Also we where doing our panamine scripts we wrote and I thought mine was really good but everyone was critizising me. (including Colton) And when ever I commented on other people's scenes no one would agree with me on what I said. In Biology I was tring to prove to Asher that I'm a nice person. So I held in all my insults and offered to do things for people. They always turned it into something bad though so I COULDN'T be nice. Ana didn't have a work sheet so I went and got one for her. Then Katherine said, "O we're sharing." So I went and put back the paper. Then Ana said "Wait I wanted that." when I came back. AAAAAAA, so Asher was all laughting. I told him I was TRING to be nice but NO. So I was pissed and let them get there own damn paper. After Biology I went to Burger Vill to meet with Meg and all her friends. The place was packed so I just sat down at the booth we grabbed instead of ordering my food. I planed on getting it once the line died. So Meg let me sit by her. Then Andy wanted someone to fill up his soda so I said I would. I climbed out of the booth and then Anna grabbed his cup and filled it up for him once I had just gotten out. So since I was up I stood in line to get some food. I changed my mind cause the line was long and moving really slow. So I went back to sit down and Meradeth refused to let me sit down. She was like "Take Andy's seat." When I tried to site down she pushed me off and of course no one cared. I didn't want to take Andy's seat (he had left to get something) and I didn't wanna find one to drag over. So I was pretty pissed by then and left. I went back to school and just my luck all the good food stands where closed. So I didn't get to eat lunch. I went over to sit with my friends John and Kautherine and a bunch of other people at our usual spot. Right when I got sat down John looked at me and left!!!! No one talked to me or listened to me so I eventually got up and went to Comp. Lit. Asher was there so I tried to talk to him and he just ignored me. In Global Studdies I was nearly board to tears. Stupid Mr.Soloman was just standing there talking the whole time and let other people read his stupid papers. Everyone was screwing up the words and he wouldn't help them so I had to sit there and listen to it cause I couldn't talk to anyone areound me. (as if they'd listen) Then in PE I was upset and cring and Eric just walked pass me even though he saw me. No one else came to talk to me ether. So I was in PE the whole time basicly by myself. I went outside to walk and it was to cold so I went back inside and talked to John. (he just shook his head and looked at me) When I was in line to make a free through (we're playing basketball right now) Steve hit me in the back of the head with a basketball REALLY hard. So I was cring and didn't want John to see me so I went back out side. To makes things worse Alex was just standing there laughing at me for getting hit. I called him a name and left. I came to a group of stoners that felt bad for me and they asked what was wrong and said they'd kick his ass and tried to get me to hang with them. So once I left I smelled like pot. Then Meg saw me and pretended to feel sorry and moved on. So that was my crappy day which I realize now wastn't that crappy I guess and I just feel bad for actN the way I did. No wonder Asher thinks I'm a jerk. The dude hardly knows me and I'm always upset when he is with me or on a sugar rush.

1/30/04
I'm really bumed out, I didn't make the play. Tring out I didn't care but now that I've gotten rejected AGION it's really getting to me. Why me, why not someone else??? Some of my friends made the play, I felt really good about my adition, and I think I was one of the only people who gave a picture of myself with my aplication like I was supposed to. But oviously the director/my drama teacher doesn't care.
Poor Meg lost her voice completly today. She's my partner in Drama for this panamime thing we're doing. So I guess she got lucky that we didn't have to do anything. She and some of her friends want me to go to the dance with them but I'm not sure if I'll go. I don't wanna be ignored like I usually am. But maybe their asking me to go for a reason, like... maybe a certain special someone wants me to be there. I know I said in my last entry that I don't really want a bf right now but now that I'm depressed I do.
I feel really bad about Mac too. If ya go to her website you'll see how pissed of she is. It really hurts when people say bad stuff about me, even if they don't mean it. If I get rejected agion I think I'm gonna commit suicide, I'm so depressed right now. So I guess I'm just b****ing here to let out all my unessasary anger, I sould probably do this in my reel journal. O well, if anyone cares about my life and thoughts they can read this. It would suck if my parents secretly read this to check up on me. I think I need to go back to that stupid phyciatrist I have.
There's this guy in my Comp. Lit. class that I might've talked about befor that I think likes me. He sits by me in Biology too. He ALWAYS looks at me and it's SO creepy. He's nice when he's normal I guess. He talked to me a bunch today. Honesty I think he likes me for the wrong reasons, my friends think that too.
Turns out my 4-H show thing is tomorrow. I might get another guinea pig. Mom's b****ing about it though. If Abby dies I'll feel less bad cause I'll have another animal. But if I only have Abbby I'll be depressed and sad for awhile and then I probably wont get another one for some time. When I had Abby and Snickers I felt bad cause Snickers had died. But had Snickers been my only guinea pig I don't know what I've had done with out Abby. So that's why I want two guinea pigs at one time. 1) they can keep eachother companty and 2) when one leaves me I'll still have the other one instead of nothing.

1/28/03
*sigh* yesterday and today I had play try outs. Yesterday I had to go to a camp councilor training after try outs. I got home at nine so I was exhausted!!! I still am. Yesterday I got to hang out with Colton and Max from my drama class, their a lot of fun, I should probably hang out with them more often but I'm sure people would find that weird. Why can't girls and guys JUST be friends!?! I've been hearing people talk about me a lot lately. I wonder what their saying, I hope if it's bad it's not about me. I try and be nice to everyone so there's no reason for them to talk bad about me. Maybe their making fun of the way I look or am. But I don't think guys do that much and I've heard guys talk about me too. People have been looking at me funny and I really wanna know what's going on. I haven't done anything different so it must be them or what someone said I did that I didn't.
Meg wants me to go with her for the late winter formal at the zoo. I'm not sure if I wanna go. Sounds like a lot of my friends are going but if I make the play I won’t have very much free time between that, 4-H, and home work. Unfortunately this might also mean I won’t be able to add stuff to the site very often ether. I'll really try though so don't just abandon me please. I'll continue to look at my tag-board every day for what ya have to say and I'll probably respond. My December contest will be over soon.
I'm starting to thing Eric likes me. He's been looking at me A LOT. But why on earth would he when he can have anyone he wants!?! (I hope Mac's not reading this) I don't really think of him like that much. I hardly even know the guy. All these boys lately have been talking to me about hooking up with someone and asking me about my love life which I think is very strange. I don't know, maybe it's because at my middle school I was considered a "dork" so I never really talked to guys. This year I'm trying really hard to fit in and be liked by everybody. In Block this other guy who's kinda creepy might like me too. He sites by me in two of my classes. He kept talking and looking at me today. I'm not sure if I want boys to like me yet. I did for awhile (just because I didn't have many friends I was happy with) but now I feel like I don't really need one. I'm not even sure who I like; it keeps changing every day/week. There's too much for me to think about right now. Also, since I'm trying to be friends with SO many different groups they all want me to be with them now and I don't really know who to choose. I've been kinda changing groups each month which I feel really horrible about. So I don't know what I'm gonna do here on out, I guess I'll just let things happen when the time comes.

1/24/03
I'm board, can't think of something to doll, nothing on 'TV. and I don't feel like playN ps. I can't beleave what Mac's sayN on my tagboard!!! My minds goN a million miles a minet now. Ug, I almost wanna take that doll down, I'm really proud of it though. I wish you could see all the shading I did. Maybe I sould try another company. I'm definatly not going back to freewebs though. Maybe I'll try Bravenet. I feel like such a bum, I never get out and do anything productive any more. Guess I'm lucky I didn't have to do the mile run in P.E. I would've flunked that I'm sure. I don't know what I can write about, I don't like talking about myself much, so I'm startN to think the stuff I've been postN makes me seam self-centered and I'm not. I don't know anyone who thinks I am. Or at least no one's told me. I'm really sad though that my spiffy dolls don't look good on my site. I'm tring to think of all these cool things to do for the site and nothing seams to work, it's like less people come to my site. Maybe I need a counter. But it could just show a few people who come a lot. Maybe I can get one of those things that Dhalling has that says how many people are on her site at the momment. I'd really like to know when people come to my site so I know I'm not just wasting my time maken stuff for it.
I thought Mom said I had a 4-H thing today but right now it looks like I don't and I dought I'll do it tomorrow. I wonder if their making me skip it. I was supposed to get another geanea pig there so I don't wanna miss it.

1/21/04
Finals are almost over I only have to do Global Studies and P.E. tomorrow. I'm not worried about them though. I've actually found some time to doll but for some reason they're takeN FOREVER to do, and they don't even look that good. I've found a lot of really cool sites recently with great bases. You'll soon know which one's I'm talkN about when I post my new dolls if I can get myself to post em.(ug, their so ugly!!!) If ya wanna find some cool doll sites go to the underground and find people who post that have sites. Cavern fromations is the best place to go cause ya can get a sample of how well a persons dolls are. I'm so tired and I'm startN to think an on-line diary is a bad idea. I wonder if anyone is reading this. Probably all I'll do is complain which I've really been trying hard not to do. It just happens every time I get a piece of paper and have to put my thoughts down. Mybe I'll make some dolls to warn people of each entry I put. Like I'll put a depressed doll by depressing entrys and I'll put a happy doll on entrys where I put exciting stuff. I know my life wont be boring for long, meaning I wont be doing nothing all the time. In case ya don't know already I'm in 4-H. I meet so many nice people. It's a lot of work though but I'd totally recomend it to people who have a lot of free time. I might get a new guinea pig this weekend, I'm so excited. I wonder how Abby, my current and only guinea pig right now, will respond. She so cute, I tried postN a pic of her once but I can't find a site that'll take my pictures. Maybe I'll try and draw her on one of my programs. I think I make animals much better than people. Well... that's all I can think of to say for now, I'm exhausted.

1/17/03
Ug, finals sounds so overwhealming. I'm goN cyco, I can't touch a text book right now. Teachers are cramming information into my head. I just wanna stay home and play ff8 and doll.*sobs* My grades are fine, I don't want this to ruin them. Do colleges look at finals, or do they determine weather on not you pass to the next grade? Ug, I hate beN a freshie. On top of this 4-H is keeping me buesy all of a sudden. WHY ALL THIS AT ONCE!!! My brothers are bugN me too. The big guy just doens't like me right now I guess.