Paganism

Why am I Pagan?

The following is an essay which will attempt to explain WHY I am Pagan, and why I believe it to be the "right" path for me.

Ever since I was a very young child I have seen and felt things which the mundane world has been unable to explain. I have "known" things that it was impossible for me to have known, "seen" things it was impossible for me to have seen, and sensed things I shoud not have been able to sense. I have been trying to find explinations for these things for as long as I can remember, with little luck.
When I was about 8, someone who I had asked a question of replied to me saying,

"Find God"

and from that day forward, I started searching. By the time I was nine, I had read the KJV from cover to cover, and found it frought with contradictions and even (to my young mind, at least,) outright lies.
I sought help with my understanding and found even more contradictions coming from the people who were supposed to have the answers to my questions. By the time I was 12 I had given up my search, and was bitter to say the least. "God" had allowed me to be beaten and abused by my mother, sexually harrassed and nearly molested by her boyfriend, and then called a liar when I told her about it. To my young mind, these were ample reason for denying god, and these are just a few of the things which I grew up with.
At 14 I was sent to live with my grandmother, a "pious" Church-going Catholic woman. At her insistance, I began my spiritual search once more beginning with taking "cathocism lessons". The lessons were private ones, with my grandmother's deacon, and once more, I began asking my questions.
The questions were hard ones, I guess... ones I still ask, if truth be known, as I have yet to get a satisfactory answer... eg. who is "we" in genesis? "let US make man in OUR image" etc.... I'm told most often that it was the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, yet those were concepts that were unheard of before the new testament....
Anyway, on with my story.
Needless to say, I didn't get the answers I was searching for... I KNEW there was something out there, and that that "something" could be called "god", but I wasn't convinced that it was the god of the Christians. Unfortunately, I had no idea that there could possibly be another, after all, the Old Gods" were just myths, according to everyone in authority in my life, and my only recourse was to keep asking questions. The things I asked, however, seemed to cause more confusion than anything else and ultimately resulted in the deacon "suggesting" that I forget about being baptised and confirmed as I "obviously wasn't putting my heart into learning about Jesus". I was about 15 at that time.
I met a girl in school that year, she was from india, and in talking to her, I finally found out about the existance of other gods... what little I learned from that girl about her own beliefs told me that her path was NOT mine, but it was enough to answer SOME of my questions, even if the answers did bring still more questions. It was enough that my feelings about the existance of something beyond the Christian God had a basis in reality.

I studied, on and off for the next several years, picking up little bits of information as they came to hand, always "seeking God" and never seeming to come any closer to finding what I sought.
In time, I met a wonderful Huron woman who in turn introduced me to an amazing, spiritual Iroquoian man... I became close to the woman, (her name was Michelle, she was like the mother I wish I had had,) and was totally in awe of the man, (Del,) and both, over the course of several months taught me many things that simply "clicked" with the way that I "felt" things were meant to be.
Through these wonderful people I began to discover my native heritige, and my connection to the Earth Mother. Michelle invited me to join her in her devotions, and the rituals were so simple, so beautiful, I could not help but to add them to my daily life. Del taught me to open my mind wider than it had ever been opened before, and both in their own ways helped me to release the bitterness that I found that I had been harbouring towards Christians and Christianity, Cathocism in particular.
They showed me that each man woman and child has their own path to walk and that we each must discover that path for ourselves. As we are ready to make the discoveries, guides are found who can help lead us to understanding of the knowledge already locked within.

I have realized since then that "God" is not to blame for the hardships that I suffered as I grew up, but rather my fruitless prayers were directed to the "wrong" god. The god of the Israelites is not my god. It's as simple as that.
I have also been blessed in that I have found the "god" who IS right for me. She is a kind, gentle, loving Mother to all her children and does not see my mistakes as sins, but rather as any mother sees the mistakes of her children, as mistakes. I do not feel the need to honor her out of fear of some kind of punishment, but rather out of love. Love that She returns a hundred fold.

I have finally found happiness on this path, happines which I sought for my entire life, for as long as I can remember.
Regardless of what my family may think, of what the general public may think, I will continue to follow the path that I am on for as long as it is the right path. Why should I not when it harms no one, and makes me happy?


Thank you for your patience with my rambling, and I hope I might have brought you some enlightenment with my story. Please feel free to read more on other pages within my site.