In January of 2000, my husband and I received a wonderful suprise. We were having a baby. We were not trying, but after six and a half years together we were happy just the same. The nine months were full of preparation for our little one. This was our first child, so we wanted it to have everything. We went to the doctors monthly in the beginning and then weekly towards the end. All of the million tests they gave me always yielded positive results. The heartbeat was always loud and strong, and the baby moved a lot. In May of 2000, we found out we were expecting a little girl, and her due date was October 18, 2000. We were so excited. I never imagined October 23, 2000, would be the best and worst day of my life.
On October 18, 2000, we attended what was to be our final doctor's appointment. We got to listen to her heartbeat. My Doctor lifted my shirt as I lay on the cold table. Next he took out the bottle of cold get and squirted it all over my lower abdomen. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the little gray machine he used to listen to the heartbeat. As he pressed it against my belly I felt the gel move around underneath it. He adjusted the volume and tilted his head slightly. Tick, Tick, Tick, there is was loud and strong. The doctor said everything looked fine and if I did not go into labor in two weeks he would induce me. He also said first pregnancies typically go over the due date. I remember feeling disappointed because I wanted to do everything naturally. We left hoping our little girl would join us soon. That evening was also our last lamaze class. We learned how to care for newborns and watched a postpartum video. During the video the baby ( who was still only known as Moonunit, daddy gave her that nickname to stop the constant "What are you going to name her") was doing flip flops in my belly. I said to my husband "I think she's ready to get out of here" he said "Sure does look like it!" He could see my belly moving the whole time. It lasted about five minutes and then just stopped.
Over the next few days I felt a few contractions, but nothing regular. We finished our last minute shopping for the baby. Everything was ready form the crib to nail clippers. I packed my bags for the hospital. I picked out one girl outfit and one boy outfit (just incase they were wrong). I also packed a little hat I had bought that was made out of a handkerchief. It had a little card with it that you could give to the child on their wedding day for something old to carry. It was so cute. The car was then packed with all the things we needed to bring to the hospital. We had also installed the car seat. Then we just waited.
On Sunday morning October 22, 2000, I realized that the baby had not moved much since that night in lamaze class. I tried everything to get her to move without luck. I called my mom and she reassured me that when labor is near the baby quiets down. Finally at about 2:00pm I called the on call doctor since it was Sunday. She said that it was normal for the baby not to move for a while, but decided that I better come in just so she could check me out. During the car ride to the hospital we weren't nervous because we had heard her heartbeat on a BeBe' sounds stethoscope we had at home. We arrived at the hospital at 2:30pm. We were greeted at the front dest by a women who said she was the registration nurse. She told us that Dr. N****** told her we were coming. We signed in, and she began searching for my file. It had been mistakenly filed under my maiden name so it took a while to find. She lead us into a cold labor and deliver room. We had just had a tour the week before, so we knew where everything was. The registration nurse had me change into one of those lovely backless gowns and get into the bed. She then began searching for the baby's heartbeat. Nothing. She told us she was not very good at this and that she was going to get a nurse. Five minutes later a blond woman with glassed enter the room and said she would be my nurse. She began searching for the heartbeat and said "On, did you feel that? I think I heard a kick!" I said "No, I didn't feel anything". She told us that sometimes the baby turns and the heartbeat is hard to find. Several times we heard a faint heartbeat, but could not lock on to it. By this time I started getting nervous. I could feel my own heart beating really fast and hard. My face was turning red as I felt my blood pressure rise. This lasted for about ten minutes until another thin, dark-haired womean entered the room. She was wheeling a small ultrasound machine. She told us that Dr. N***** was in an emergency c-section and would be in shortly. Apparently she was another doctor and she was going to start the ultrasound. She had a curt amnner and made me feel even more nervous. The nurse moved around to the other side of the bed, and this doctor began searching for the heartbeat. She said she was pretty sure she could hear it. I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. The doctor looked at me and siad " I need you to settle down. Ican't hear anything over your heartbeating so fast."
Settle down, what was she thinking. They can't find my baby's heartbeat and she wants me to settle down. This made me even more upset. I looked over at the machine that was taking my blood pressure and my heartrate was 155. I felt panic set in. She set up the ultrasound after not having any luck with the stethoscope. The screen was turned away so I couldn't see what was going on. The doctor said this was not her specialty and the when Dr.N***** got here she could do it better.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Dr. N**** walked in. She was like a breath of fresh air. She is a small statured blond woman who was about 6 months pregnant herself. She had a smile on her face and made me feel at ease. Everyone, including my husband, moved to the other siede of the bed. Dr. N*** sat down on the side of my bed and turned the machine so I could see the screen. Then she put the wand to my belly and began looking. I was looking at my husband from the time he came to my side. I could see he was scared too. The room was completely silent. After what seemed like a lifetime, I turned to see the screen. The perfect image of my little girl's rib cage was there, but nothing was moving inside.
Dr. N*** turned to me and said "Lori, your baby is...."
That was all I heard because I burst into tears and buried my face in my husband's chest, but I knew our little girl was gone. I cried hysterically for about thirty seconds, and then I just stopped. I looked up to my husband's face only to see tears in his eyes. I slowly glanced over everyone in the room. The nurse who told us she had felt the kick. The curt doctor who said she was pretty sure she could hear the baby's heartbeat. Then finally to Dr. N***. They all had tears in their eyes. I remember feeling like I was dead. Everything sounded so far away. My heartrate was about 160 now. I finally said "What do I do know?"
Dr.N*** wiped away her tears from beneath her glasses and told us that we could go home for a while or she could induce me now. We asked questions, but they had no answers, only tears. After a short conversation, my husband and I decided to stay and get it over with.
We induced labor at 6:30pm. Both of our mothers were there to support us. We all were in shock. Labor was long and hard, but everyone kept telling me how great I was doing. I did not feel I was doing great, just doing what I had to. Get it over with. During labor we decided on names, got her outfit ready, and picked a funeral home. Things that should never go together.
At 5:09 am on October 23, 2000,, 10 1/2 hours after labor was induced, our little girl was born. She was perfect as could be only she was not breathing. The umbilical cord was wrapped under her little arm and then around her neck. It had cut off her oxygen supply. This was determined as the cause of death, but to me it was no reason at all. They cleaned her up and weighed her like every other baby that was born there. She weighed 7 pounds 11oz. and was 22inches long. her head was full of dark hair and she had a little button nose. I held her and smiled. I felt happy to be a mommy.
We were told if she was born on her due date she would have been fine, but there was no way to know :(. All the hopes and dreams we had for her left us that day. We would never hear the patter of her feet or the joy of her laughter. On October 30, 2000, she was buried in a section of the cemetary called the "Angel Garden" it's just for babies. She was in the tinyest casket I have every seen and there so many flowers. Even though Julie's gone, she will never be forgotten. |
