Mock the Idiot

Hello all, as you can all probably guess, this section is set up specifically to Mock Idiots, of which there are many in the world. I wasn't really expecting to put up a section on writings (I leave the satirical writing to the UMTYMP site), but as I was sitting around wondering how to update, an inspiration came to me, thanks to a wonderfully helpful guestbook signer. This person, who now has my eternal appreciation and worship, is now officially The First Idiot. Enjoy.

 

I found this intriguing and fascinating guestbook entry. It is such an amazing work that I have created a new section just to honor it. My comments in regular font, The First Idiot's entry in bold.

WHAT... is your name...?! : the guy that made fun of stupid nerds...like u!

As you can all see, this site has been fortunate enough to be visited by the most likeable and popular person in the school. In fact, he LOVED it so much, he decided to take some time out of his busy social life to sign my guestbook. I'm honored. Really. *wipes tear from eye.*

WHAT... is your quest...?! : TO KILL ALL NERDS

Whoa, you have ambition! I'm absolutely sure that you have good cause to take on this quest, especially considering the fact that your IQ is the equivalent of the temperature in Minnesota in early January - something to be very proud of, mind you. Good luck, I'm with you all the way in this noble and worthy endeavor.

WHAT... is your favorite color...?! : FUBU

Wow, your favorite color is FUBU?! That's so cool, my favorite color is, like, totally Abercrombie and Fitch!! Well, I'd have to say that Gap and Old Navy, like, totally come in second!! You are, like, so totally smart, you, like, use BIG WORDS like FUBU!!

WHAT... is the airspeed of an unladen swallow...?! : stupid nerds, who gives a f___?

Oh, I'm sorry, are you having trouble solving this BIG TOUGH PROBLEM? Well, I'm afraid your answer is wrong, and you will now be hurled off the bridge to your death. Tsk tsk. You should have used the kinematic equation x = vt + 1/2at^2, where x is displacement, v is velocity, t is time, and a is your fat ass, then you would have been absolutely fine! Are you sure you paid attention in Integrated Math -3? Tsk tsk.

Are you sick of the Monty Python questions? : SHUTUP IDIOT

Don't worry about the grammatical error, it's often made by the average third grader, so you're just fine. I'm becoming more and more impressed with your range of vocabulary as you continue writing - I mean, all the creative and expressive words you use, such as stupid, stupid, FUBU, f***, and idiot! (I especially liked the use of the word idiot - that's another one of those tough SAT vocab words! Keep using words like that, and maybe someday your SAT score will surpass your GPA!)

Email address please! : waahhh...plz...i have no life....i dont like girls....idiot nerd!

Oh poor baby, did I make you cry? Don't worry sweetie, it's ok if you don't have a life, you don't really deserve to have one in the first place anywas, so it's no real loss. You don't like girls? Consider seeing other men - oh wait, never mind that, I shouldn't insult the homosexuals out there by adding you to their number. I apologize to all homosexuals, and revise my sentence - consider seeing a nice, sexy turnip. (That's assuming it will have you, but be comforted - rejection is a part of life).

What, were you expecting pity from me? All right, all right, I'll admit it, I've been an idiot, I've overestimated your IQ by about 6.022 * 10^23 (you get a cookie if you can tell me what that number is). Let me get this straight - you come to my site, spend about 30 minutes thinking up this wonderfully intellectual entry, and then try to induce pity by leaving this pathetic crap. This is a blatant CONTRADICTION (do you know what that means? It's a BIG WORD - try sounding it out like your mommy always told you to). Why don't you try going to http://www.ihavenolifebutjustincaseyou'reinterestedmyfavecolorisfubu.com, it's a rather large forum for people like you to whine and spout nonsense and beat each other over the head with large clubs. Don't worry - there IS hope.

One thing I could improve on please! : NOT BEING A NERD!!!!

That's right, I don't want to be a nerd, I want to be a kind, compassionate, intelligent, good-looking, charismatic individual like you! Did you know that you are my hero? I've printed out your guestbook entry and I sleep with it under my pillow. Seriously. I've begun work on a small shrine to you (complete with incense and an altar for human sacrifices). I've also started smoking pot and banging my head against hard objects so my level of intellect will reach yours! Do you think that it'll go faster if I go into a vegetative state and live out the rest of my life lying in a hospital bed hooked up to machines and tubes? After all, doing so will allow me to be as useful and successful in life as you are!

Something random here please! : u nerd, i h8 u!!!!!!!

I love you too! My my, is that some bitterness I sense from you? Perhaps it comes from realizing that you're looked down upon and trampled over by every single other organism in the universe as we know it. I'll be praying that in your next life, you'll be reincarnated into the Chicken Chow Mein our cafeteria serves for lunch - hey, if your new mental state is equivalent to that of regurgitated crap and hydrochloric acid, you can consider it an improvement from your current one. Ta ta, and take care - and please write again soon.

I'll be waiting.

 

Wow, that was dripping with sarcasm, even for me. That was fun. Flames, hate mail, etc., please send them to me so I can add it to Mock the Idiot.
Moral of the Story: Don't flame satirists. They're much better at doing it than you are.