This is the play-by-play that I've told you about. Now I would take you to the posting board where another poster posted this (haha, word jumble) but it's too confusing. Now I didn't write this, although it sounds like me because of the oh-so-slick sarcasm. It's biased, as you can see, but a hell of a good read, so read it! Another poster--not a writer--wrote this under his/her opinion of how things were/are/should be in the script that they read. This is NOT the actual script... The actual script wouldn't be nearly as interesting.
Enjoy...
Episode 18 “Dirty Girls”, written by Drew Goddard. Please bear in mind that this is from a version that says “shooting draft”. What does that mean? Don’t ask me. I can only hope that this isn’t the version Joss allegedly rewrote. If it is, his dialogue has gotten really atrocious. At least Goddard has the excuse of being rushed.
A girl is running from some bringers. Seriously, why don’t they just start using stock footage of a girl running from some bringers? Or, better yet, stock footage of a herd of charging buffalo, because at least that would be interesting. Hey, Ed Wood did it. The girl, Shannon, makes it to a road, where she manages to flag down a vehicle. The nasty old pickup truck stops, and Caleb opens the door to Shannon. See, now here’s where this girl gets stupid. One never gets into a nasty old pickup with a guy in a clerical collar inside, because that just screams out “serial killer”. He couldn’t scream “serial killer” more if he had it tattooed on his forehead, grabbed a megaphone, and started blaring out “My neighbors describe me as quiet and unassuming!” But, relieved, Shannon jumps into the vehicle and they speed away.Caleb makes some jokily-dokily comments when Shannon thanks God he was there, and then starts in on how she should be in bed. So should I, but instead I am typing this. Shannon says she is headed for Sunnydale. Honestly, Shannon, I think you’d be better off elsewhere. Go to Vegas and have some fun, because otherwise you’re just going to get drafted into Petrie’s Fantasy Bootcamp Of Bouncing Breasts. Caleb asks why she was being chased, and she dodges around the answer. Caleb has an answer: Because she’s a whore! I’m starting to think that maybe CALEB DOESN’T LIKE WOMEN. I am sure it will be played out subtly. She’s dirty (we have a title, folks!) and has no soul. And, uh-oh, those Harbingers are “his boys”! Hmm, okay, given that Caleb is a shady priest, I don’t want to know what Caleb’s been up to with the boys. Caleb heats up his car cigarette lighter, and I am momentarily jealous because mine fell out a long time ago and I can’t find it. He uses it to heat up his ring, which has an arcane symbol on it. Maybe it is Sumerian, and Dawn can translate it! Meanwhile, Shannon has been trying to escape, but the vehicle has no passenger door handle. Caleb taunts her and then brands her neck with the symbol, spouting off about cleansing in over-the-top revivalisms. He says that there are some people in the car behind them headed to Sunnydale, and that Shannon needs to give a message to the Slayer. It’s “From Beneath You it Devours.” Ha ha, no, I kid. It’s not. Bet I scared you, didn’t I? We don’t hear what the message is yet - Caleb stabs Shannon in the gut and whispers it to her, before chucking her out of the Redneck Ride.
Caleb drives off, probably to fill his role in the new-and-improved TV version of “The Stand”, and the other vehicle pulls up. It’s Willow and Faith. Willow says they need to get her to a hospital. No, Willow, that was addressed not two weeks ago. Being stabbed in the gut is no big deal, ask Xander.
God, I so do not want to type this part up. Sigh. We’re at Xander’s apartment – he’s in bed and a hot-little-rocket-body (TM Evan) SiT is talking to him. How will she know if she’s ready for “action”? She’s scared, she’s young, she’s never been with a man before. Oh, god. Maybe I spoke too soon in ascribing the meaning of the title to something that didn’t relate to pornography. Another girl gets on the bed, and says she’s never been with a man before, either. They both mention that neither of them has been with a man in front of the other one. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is a Xander fantasy. I think it is supposed to be funny, but right now I want a shower. OH! That is the meaning of the title! Xander worries that they’ll be overheard, and the bedroom door opens, revealing all the other SiT’s engaged in a slow-motion pillow fight. They’re bouncing around in their skivvies, shrieking and giggling, and more feathers are flying than if I typed “Buffy and Spike kiss in this episode”. (They don’t, by the way, don’t get your hopes up. Or down).
Back to reality. Rona walks in on Xander, saying that one of the SiTs has the flu and that the toilet is backed up, due to the contents of said SiT’s stomach. Or, perhaps, mine, after having to read that fantasy sequence. The other SiTs are visible behind her, dressed in decidedly unsexy PJs. Welcome to your arc, Xander. Fixing Things. Sigh.
At the hospital, Faith and Willow talk, worrying over whether or not Shannon will regain consciousness. Stay unconscious, Shannon, at least until this episode is done airing. Faith seems a little pissed off that she wasn’t informed of what was going down in Sunnydale, since she was in danger, too. What, you mean Buffy was supposed to take time off from her busy dating, pencil-balancing, and bitch-session agenda to let you know? Willow feels bad about the oversight, but I don’t blame Willow. She didn’t know that the entire story arc this season was going to revolve around the possibility of a spinoff until a few weeks ago. Faith wants to leave to find Buffy, as she doesn’t much care for hospitals. Willow figures one of them should stay, and, of course, is the one stuck there. Welcome to Xander’s world of being delegated the crap, Willow. You’re not going to be the Spinoff Star! Willow expresses concern that Faith is off to find Buffy alone, but Faith establishes that Buffy knew she was coming, and they’ll get along fine.
In the graveyard, an unidentified vamp is fighting with a girl. Oh, it’s Spike. I didn’t see that coming about two dozen miles away. Caleb probably saw it from his vantage point in the Nevada desert, where he turned into a raven. Spike and Faith get into a tussle, he knows who she is from her description. Well, guys, according to this she’s wearing leather pants, so if that gets you off, have a field day. But don’t subject me to your pillow fight fantasies, ‘kay? Spike says there is a misunderstanding, Faith says she knows who Spike is and that they have met before. He doesn’t remember, of course. Sigh. I really do not want that damn body-switch thing rehashed, but we’re so going to get it. Right between the eyes. Faith says she is reformed, Spike says he is too, and that he reformed way before she did. Can his dad also beat up her dad? Stay tuned for next week on the Schoolyard Conversation Story Hour! Faith keeps hitting Spike, he asks her to stop. I ask her to stop, too, as I am sick of seeing Spike get hit. Really, insert the buffalo stock footage again, please.
Buffy shows up, hits Faith, helps Spike up. Faith wonders what is going on, I wonder when this predictable scene will end. Buffy explains that Spike is with her, and that he has a soul. Wow, someone got told about the soul onscreen. Too bad it wasn’t anyone, say, IN THE REGULAR CAST. Oh, I forgot. Spinoff Queen. Faith asks if it’s like Angel, Spike vehemently says no, Buffy says sort of. The “girl” Spike was attacking turns out to be a vamp, and Faith pulls the stake out of Buffy’s belt and dusts her, in what seems deliberate one-upmanship. I thought we were through with this stuff in season 3? Apparently not. Spike is still pissy about being compared to Angel, saying that Angel is as dull as a table lamp. Hee. Okay, one of the few lines I liked.
