Meanwhile, Randall Flagg/Caleb is mucking about in a vineyard cellar with “his boys”. He’s talking to someone, says he was looking for the Lord in all the wrong places. This pseudo-religious crap is getting on my nerves. But, it’s better than watching the forced bonding between Spike and Faith. The First appears, in the form of Buffy, and asks if Caleb thinks she/it is God. Caleb says he’s beyond that, and then the FE asks if he likes what she is wearing. Caleb says she’s a DIRTY GIRL. You know what? I think CALEB MAY NOT LIKE WOMEN! Caleb realizes that this is the form of the Slayer, and reaches out to touch her cheek, which, of course is all go-throughable. These ME people really like to take an effect and run with it, don’t they? I suppose it’s better than the Michael-Jackson-video morphing. Caleb details all the work he’s done for the First, like blowing up the council building, organizing the Bringers, writing this script, etc. The First says Buffy will be meeting Caleb soon, and Caleb agrees, knowing that she will come to him as curiosity is woman’s first sin. I’m guessing here that, just maybe, CALEB DOES NOT LIKE WOMEN. Just a thought.
And now for the horrendous pile of dung that is act 2. I wish I could convey how bad some of the dialogue is here, but I can’t, because, you know, illegal. But I get ahead of myself.We get some previous footage of Faith. Now they start with the footage? Andrew is doing a voice over here, a la “Storyteller”, as he describes her to the SiTs. Erm, how does Andrew know Faith’s history, anyway? Maybe Dawn took him aside and told him, and then he let her peel some more tape off his chest. Andrew describes how Faith was once briefly good, and we get a fantasy shot of her fighting five ninjas. Then he explains how, like a lot of tragic heroes, she turned to the dark side. More footage. He says that not even the most peaceful and logical races were immune to her, and we get a fantasy shot of Faith fighting a Vulcan. This is still a laugh-out-loud moment for me, and it’s definitely the best thing in the entire episode. If the entire thing had been about Faith fighting Vulcans with Andrew’s narration, I’d probably put it in my top five. Of course, we flash to reality, where the SiTs wonder what Andrew is going on about. I won’t ruin the funny lines for you in this scene, but I suggest you set the VCRs for this alone. And, yeah, nothing else.
And now for the horrendous pile of dung that is act 2. I wish I could convey how bad some of the dialogue is here, but I can’t, because, you know, illegal. But I get ahead of myself.We get some previous footage of Faith. Now they start with the footage? Andrew is doing a voice over here, a la “Storyteller”, as he describes her to the SiTs. Erm, how does Andrew know Faith’s history, anyway? Maybe Dawn took him aside and told him, and then he let her peel some more tape off his chest. Andrew describes how Faith was once briefly good, and we get a fantasy shot of her fighting five ninjas. Then he explains how, like a lot of tragic heroes, she turned to the dark side. More footage. He says that not even the most peaceful and logical races were immune to her, and we get a fantasy shot of Faith fighting a Vulcan. This is still a laugh-out-loud moment for me, and it’s definitely the best thing in the entire episode. If the entire thing had been about Faith fighting Vulcans with Andrew’s narration, I’d probably put it in my top five. Of course, we flash to reality, where the SiTs wonder what Andrew is going on about. I won’t ruin the funny lines for you in this scene, but I suggest you set the VCRs for this alone. And, yeah, nothing else.
Cut to Wood’s office. Oh, crap, he’s in this episode? I hoped he would have been…recuperating, or something. Yeah, recuperating. That sounds less bitchy than what I am actually thinking. Buffy enters, says he looks better, and he replies that he doesn’t. Buffy agrees. Wood says he’ll be fine, as long as Buffy doesn’t intend to beat on him. Do I get a fantasy shot now? Buffy says she thought about it, but everything is fine between them, and that she needs him on her side. Wood thanks her, and then fires her. Yes, you read that right. He. Fires. Her. What a charming guy. I’m so glad I never said he was hot…oh, wait, I did. Buffy is indignant, and Wood explains that she needs to focus on the fight. Buffy says the SiTs aren’t battle-tested, and Wood says it is time to test them. You know what I really hate? That Buffy actually listens to a word this guy says. Buffy, in a display of patheticness I haven’t seen since Anya started begging for sex, says maybe she could work part-time, and Wood says no. The mission is what matters. He’s bitter here. I’m bitter here. I’m actually pissed off on Buffy’s behalf instead of *at* Buffy, for a change.
Now for the icky. Faith comes down into the basement to smoke. Spike is there, of course, and asks to bum one. He’s shirtless and on his bed. Can we quit with the shirtless already? I’m about to ask that the buffalo stock footage be projected upon Spike’s chest. Faith makes a comment about him not needing to worry about cancer, and Spike says that one’s teeth can get yellow. God. Do I get to watch a tender moment where Spike and Faith share Crest White strips? Faith notices the chains by the bed, and Spike says it’s not what it looks like. Faith says there was one guy she hung out with who liked to put her in a schoolgirl outfit and tie her up with a noose, and I so did not need to read that. I need another shower. Spike breaks Faith’s overshare moment to say that he was dangerous for a while, even after the soul, and Faith says it wouldn’t be any fun to dust him. They keep smoking and contemplate each other. I think I need to light up now, and contemplate how interminable this scene is going to be. They comment on the noise being made by the SiTs upstairs…oh, is there another pillow fight going on? Spike wonders why Faith isn’t up there instructing them, and Faith indicates that is not her thing. Blah, blah, blah, Spike wants to know why Faith didn’t break out of jail, and Faith says that she stopped herself. Oh, looky, they share a moment of connection. I just love the way the writers are fanwanking Spike and Faith to be best buddies. Could that be because of a….SPINOFF???!!! No, never! Surely they wouldn’t sacrifice the story of season seven just to pin their hopes on a new show that won’t last past Christmas! Surely! Spike wonders if Faith is over her dangerous phase, and she says she is, more or less. Less is a good word. As in, less of this scene. She says she was thinking of getting back with noose-boy. Honey, go look up Caleb if you want to be defiled. I hear he DOESN’T LIKE WOMEN. Spike smiles at Faith, clearly liking her. Says she could do better. Uh oh, a little squicky feeling is beginning to form in the pit of my stomach. Faith says not to forget who’s on top. Spike say he suspects that would be her. Right, now I am past squicked and into definitively nauseous. And the scene goes on and on, as Faith sits down next to him. Here we go, Faith says she met Spike before, and he finally realizes the body swap thing, which, apparently, Buffy told him about offscreen. Of course, she didn’t tell him who was inhabiting her body. They are really coming on to each other here, guys, I am sorry. Spike remembers exactly what Faith said, and Faith says that Buffy would never have made that kind of offer. And then Spike says that Faith really has been away. Okay, that’s it. Spike, you suck right now. So do you, Faith. Apparently all Spike is interested in is bagging Slayers after all, and Faith is only interested in Buffy’s boyfriends/ex-boyfriends. Wow, someone should have filled Spike in earlier that Buffy was not the real Slayer after all, so he could have moved on sooner. And someone should have told Faith that she didn’t have to fake being “reformed” from her passive-aggressive Buffy jealousy. Faith is amused about the sexual antics, they get all smiley and intimate with the looks.
Buffy walks in. She starts throwing off a bit of a jealous vibe, cause you know, having two strong women catfighting over a man is always a great feminist storyline. Spike wonders why Buffy isn’t at work, and Buffy says she cut back her hours. She figures she’s better off focusing on what is going on around here. Wink wink, nudge nudge. The writers decide to take a swan dive into the pool of soap opera clichés. Dawn appears and says that Shannon (remember her?) is out of her sleep induced state. Clearly she was awakened by the squickiness of that last scene. Buffy and Willow go to the hospital and start questioning Shannon, who tells them all about Cable. I mean, Caleb. Damn, I wanted to know about Cable, so I could find something decent to watch. Shannon imparts the message…Caleb has something of Buffy’s. Her bra? Her ability to emote? Her boyfriend? No wait, Faith has that. Buffy makes a living room speech to the assembled group. No, no, guys, you’re really not tired of those. I swear you aren’t. She says she’s going to get whatever Caleb has back, and they’re all coming with her.
