Consummation

by Remma (morennab@yahoo.co.uk)

"How about some more coffee, I could easily start another pot?"

"God, no."

"Oh. Tea? Twinkie? Tootsie roll?"

"Blair, I've had more than enough, in fact, I'd had more than enough over an hour, three cups of coffee and the best part of a family sized chocolate fudge cake ago. What's going on here? Have you changed your mind?"

"No, no, I still want to...a lot...really I do."

"What, then?"

"Nothing, it's nothing...well...maybe not nothing...maybe something...a little something...a teeny tiny drawback...an itsy bitsy bump on our journey to sexual fulfilment...a miniscule..."

"Blair...what?"

"Jim, have you ever done this before?"

"Done what, had cake and coffee at two o'clock in the morning?"

"You know what I mean, Jim."

"No, Blair, I have never done this before...so what? What's the big deal?"

"What's the big deal? Are you serious...what's the big deal? Jim, we are about to make love for the first time ever, not only with each other, but the first time with another guy, thereby negating all previous sexual orientation, totally screwing with our relationship dynamic and all of this supposedly lasting for the rest of our lives, come on, man, how can that possibly not be a big deal?"

"Hmmph."

"That's it? That's your sole response...a shrug? Why aren't you freaked? You should be freaked...are you repressing again?"

"I'm freaking quietly...in a controlled kind of way."

"Figures."

"I'd be a lot less freaked if we quit analysing this and got on with it."

"But don't you think we should talk through exactly what's going to happen?"

"No."

"Oh."

"So?"

"So what?"

"Chief..."

"Oh, right, yes, getting on with it...fine, whatever, you want to just do it, then that's what we'll do. Great. Let's just do it...you got any lube?"

"Huh?"

"Lube, we're going to need some lube, or else this is going to get really painful for one of us, and knowing you, that'll probably be me, so...lube."

"Oh. No."

"Oh, o-kay, so, lube is out...any sunscreen?"

"We live in a city with a year 'round rainy season...what would I want with sunscreen?"

"It makes great substitute lube."

"Sorry, I neglected to stock up, how silly of me not to realise this situation might arise."

"And you're usually so well prepared too...a regular boy scout. Oh well, I guess we can use butter."

"Butter?"

"Yeah, I know we have that...thank god you'll only eat the good stuff, it should do the job just fine."

"But it'll get all over the sheets."

"Jim, I think you're going to have to accept the fact that mess is inevitable here."

"Does it have to be butter? That kind of greasy stain is so hard to get out."

"No, Jim, it doesn't have to be butter, it could be lube or sunscreen...oh wait, we don't have either of those, do we? Looks like you'll have to live with the greasy stains...and isn't that what the boil wash is for?"

"But those are my best linen sheets, no way can I boil them, they'll be ruined."

"Better them than me. I can't believe I'm having this conversation."

"I can't believe I still haven't got laid."

"Way to set the mood, James."

"Well...I figured the biggest advantage of us both being guys was that we could cut out all that annoying foreplay...you know, get right down to it, but I swear, I've never had so much trouble getting a woman in the sack."

"Is that all this is to you, a quick tumble between the sheets? Because I thought this was supposed to be the real deal...true love, 'till death do us part', matching luggage...was I wrong?"

"That's not fair, I've already told you that I loved you...and trust me, that's not something I take lightly..."

"I know that, but..."

"So what more do you want? I don't know how to do romantic. You have to know that this isn't just sex for me."

"Okay, but..."

"I don't know how else to say this, Chief. I love you, I want to make love with you, but if you don't haul that cute butt of yours up those stairs and into my bed right now, I am going to go right off the boil, and then where will we be?"

"You think I have a cute butt?"

"I'd better, or we're in trouble."

"You have a point."

"Don't you think my butt is cute?"

"Quit fishing for compliments, you have a seriously hot body and you know it."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, all those hours in the gym have really paid off."

"I work out to keep fit...for the job...not to..."

"Sure you do, Jim...I believe you. Come on then, race you upstairs...and don't forget the butter."

"Oh my god, Jim...you're...you've...oh my god...your clothes, where are all your clothes?"

"Folded up on the chair, where else would they be?"

"Right, wouldn't want them to get creased. I can't believe how quickly you got undressed, I turn my back for a nanosecond and you're naked."

"Aren't I supposed to be?"

"Yes, but how did you get that way so fast? I've barely unbuttoned my shirt."

"Well, if you will go for the layered look...here, let me help you. God, how many shirts are you wearing...this is like pass the parcel, every time I think I'm going to get to the prize all I get is more wrapping. Why do you always do this...you have a nice body, you should show it off more."

"I don't know...protective plumage I guess."

"That's fine for the street, but do you really need it in the loft?"

"I'm not like you, Jim, I can't just wander around semi-dressed without feeling self-conscious. You even answer the door in nothing but your boxers...and your gun of course."

"What are you objecting to, the boxers or the gun?"

"Neither, they just seem a little...incongruous, that's all...you know, the combination of vulnerability and strength...much like you really."

"You're not going to start analysing again are you?"

"Sorry, I'm a little nervous...uh...Jim, I think I can take off my own underwear."

"I know, but I like helping you...is that a problem?"

"No, no, that's fine...oh man, your hands are cold."

"You think that's cold, wait 'till we get into the butter."

"Ow...ow, no, stop, Jim, no way is that going to fit, we need to re-think a little."

"This is never going to work like this, you need to lift up a bit more."

"I'm lifting up as much as I can, I'm not a contortionist...and do you have to keep giving me instructions...this isn't a military manoeuvre."

"I'm only trying to get this right."

"There is no right...sex was never meant to be so clinical, I feel like I'm at the dentist...I keep expecting you to ask me to open wider."

"Well now that you mention it..."

"Funny, Jim, nearly laughed that time."

"We don't seem to be making much progress."

"No, we don't."

"Maybe we're being too ambitious. Should we have started with something simpler?"

"But I want to do this."

"Are you sure, you seem kinda tense?"

"Yes I'm sure, and yes I'm tense. I want this to be really good...the best sex we ever had."

"Not a hope in hell of that, Chief, hell, I'd be happy if we both to got through it in more or less one piece."

"What? What do you mean, don't you expect to enjoy this? Why are we even bothering then?"

"Well sure, it'll be fun, but no way will it be the best ever...not yet. How could it be, neither of us has a clue what we're doing. And we're bothering because we're committed to each other for life, and unless we intend to become monks, we damn well better get the hang of it."
 
"I guess it can only get better, right?"

"Right. The first time is always awkward. I remember my first time with a girl...total disaster...her bra strap got caught 'round my ear, I pulled out a clump of her hair with my watch strap, she kneed me in the groin...and we never did find her left shoe. Of course, the car being a sports model didn't help."

"You're making this up to make me feel better."

"Nope, absolute fact...didn't put me off though, and I did get better, and so will we. We have plenty of time to achieve the ultimate orgasm...all the time in the world, we just have to keep trying."

"Do you think that's what they mean by 'practicing homosexuals'?"

"God, I hate that word."

"What would you prefer, gay, fag, fairy, butt bandit, pillow biter, dicksmoker..."

"Do we have to use any word? Can't we just be us? A JimBlair."

"Or a BlairJim."

"No, Jimlair is better."

"Why?"

"A BlairJim sounds like a piece of exercise equipment."

"You just want to come first."

"I'd rather we came together."

"Hey, when did you develop a sense of humour?"

"What do you mean, I've always been fun...I'm a fun guy."

"Keep telling yourself that, Jim."

"So, are you feeling more relaxed now, less tense?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Great, ready to try again?"

"Sure, after all, we wouldn't want your sheets to be ruined for nothing, would we?"

"Nope, they gave their lives for a good cause. Okay, spread 'em, Sandburg."

"Oh man, now he's arresting me."

"Quit whining, this is fun...enjoy...hey, you want to try it with my handcuffs?"

"No I do not, I am so not into bondage...ow...watch what you're doing with that would you."

"A little co-operation would be good, Chief...for god's sake, now what are you sniggering about?"

"I can't help it, that tickles."

"Perfect, this is perfect... I am never going to get laid."

***The End***

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