Denial

by Remma (morennab@yahoo.co.uk)

"Jim, what's the matter with you?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe I'm feeling a little...aah...how did you say it...territorially threatened to the point of paranoia, I mean, what the hell is that?"

"You read my dissertation. Jim, I don't believe you I asked you not to do that."

"After I let you stay at my place, I get you a job at the department, I mean, you don't have enough data you gotta go digging into my ex-wife's life?"

"The only reason that I talked to Caroline is 'cause she's the only one that knows you better than I do."

"What has my sex life got to do with your...project?"

"Sex life, what are you...look...she said you had a fear of intimacy, Jim, intimacy and sex are two different issues."

"Oh yeah, maybe to you they are, Chief, but my personal life and those that are involved is intimate to me."

"Look...we have three years of our lives invested in this thing, and I'm not going to start...shading any of it because you're starting to feel a little threatened."

"Threatened by you? I don't think so, Chief."

"Oh, well what else do you call it?"

"I call it a violation of friendship and trust."

Blair stared in shock as, once again, Jim walked away from him...the perfect proof of a Sentinel's flight or fight response. Maybe he should consider himself fortunate at the rejection of the 'fight' option, but, dammit, he was too mad to feel fortunate for much of anything. One thing he'd asked, just one thing...that Jim not read his dissertation, and what had he gone and done at the first opportunity? He should have known he couldn't leave it alone.

He sighed, wishing for some peace and quiet to calm his nerves, but what chance was there of that with the station overrun by street people, crazies...even wild beasts? Wasn't it always the way, the one time he really needed a quiet corner to sort through his chaotic thoughts and there wasn't even a storage closet left to hide in.

Blair felt a tremor of unease. He knew Jim, and he should have known how tempted he would be by the diss, the whole thing was about him, after all...who could resist that? So why had he gone out of his way to tease him with it? He had practically flaunted it in his face, telling him how great it was, but, oh, what a shame he couldn't read it. What had he been thinking? Okay, so maybe he wasn't entirely blameless for this mess...not as guilty as Jim of course, but still, not completely innocent either.

The problem was, what to do now? Jim was completely freaked...far more than Blair had anticipated. That was going to be a problem, his knowledge and reaction to Blair's observations would inevitably colour his future behaviour, thereby prejudicing any further research.

On a much more personal level, this would certainly be a setback to the friendship, already shaky after Blair's revelations of his true feelings for Jim. Although Jim had been true to his word, never again mentioning the night that rocked their comfortable existence, Blair couldn't help noticing a restraint between them. After a few days 'Chief' was back, but the casual touches, the pats and intimate glances were missing...and greatly missed.

A new thought began to intrude...could Jim's extreme reaction be more than just a battered ego reasserting itself? The one point Jim had thought fit to raise was Blair's consultation with his ex-wife. Was it possible he thought that Blair's profession of love was the real reason he had questioned Caroline? And if so, what could Blair do to convince him otherwise?

"Look, Chief..uhm...you know...I...uh...maybe I overreacted."

"Maybe?"

"I know I shouldn't have read your dissertation, and...uh...I'm sorry for any transgressions, but...uh...you know, I...thought we were friends."

"Right."

"Doesn't read that way to me."

"Jim, I said that most of your life choices are fear based. It's not as bad as it sounds."

"Are you kidding me? It makes me sound like a coward."

"Well, that's the way you read it. C'mere, you chose to be a Sentinel, right? And the way that you deal with your fears...all of them, is based on that choice. All right now, fear can be one of your greatest allies...now you can choose to bottle it up inside, or we can work on it."

"What...after this?"

"Right, well...uh....what do you want to do, just want to call it quits? Yeah, maybe you're right, maybe I've...uh...lost my objectivity. Tell you what, I'd rather just be friends, so why don't I just go destroy my notes...how about that?"

Blair fled from the bullpen, wavering between anger and despair. Okay, this was now officially the worst day of his life so far, although there was always the potential for things to get worse. What did Jim expect from him for god's sake? This was his life's work, and now it was so much waste paper, all because Jim could feel his security shaking. Dammit, they had a deal, he helped Jim with his senses and in return he got to publish the results. Where did Jim get off changing the ground rules now, after all this time, and then, what was even worse, making out that it was he, Blair, who was reneging on the deal. It was so not fair.

Okay, so Jim had apologised, and even admitted to overreacting, but he still didn't seem to get that what he had been reading was meant to be a scientific document, not a hallmark moment.

And yet, Jim had seemed genuinely upset, his perception of the diss apparently negating their friendship. Maybe he really was more concerned about their relationship than any threat to his privacy, which was encouraging...or not...who could tell with Jim 'my middle name is repression' Ellison.

God, had he really just declared his intention to destroy his notes? True, Jim meant way more to him than a doctorate, or anything else for that matter, but did loving him mean that he had to give up his own life? Jim had already made it plain that he could never return Blair's love, and yet he expected Blair to sacrifice his career, his identity, all for friendship's sake.

No, that wasn't fair. Jim had never asked that of him. The offer had been made freely, if not wholeheartedly. And he knew that he would be willing to give up that and more to keep Jim in his life. Objectivity, that was a joke. Talk about going native, falling in love with his research subject surely qualified with a vengeance.

Blair dropped onto the sofa with a tired sigh, watching as Jim made a beeline for the coffeepot. What a night. At one point he was convinced that life as he knew it was over, and then, once again, Jim had surprised him, actually offering praise for his intro, if a somewhat reserved praise. He was still a little wary, paranoia to the fore, but at least he was willing to work on things.

Jim handed him one steaming mug, then settled on the other sofa, closing his eyes, contentedly sniffing the tempting aroma.

"Hell of a night, huh, Chief?"

"Didn't I say that earlier?"

"I don't recall, maybe...probably...I'm kinda tired."

"You should get some sleep."

"Yeah, you too."

"I wish. I need to check over my diss intro before turning it in. It still needs work."

"Oh. Right."

"Jim, you're okay with this, aren't you? You said it was fine for me to go ahead and turn it in...not having second thoughts, are you?"

"No, no, it's good...well written and...uh...mostly...uh...mostly pretty good."

"Except the parts about you?"

"Okay, that was a dumb thing to say. I always knew that I was your...uh..."

"Primary subject."

"Right, primary subject...do you *have* any other subjects...secondary subjects?"

"Actually, no, you're pretty much it on the subject front."

"So calling me your primary subject is...ah..."

"A relative term. Yes."

"Oh."

"I do have some historical precedents, and I have documented cases of people with one or two enhanced senses, but..."

"Not as enhanced as me though, right?"

"No, Jim, not as enhanced as you. You are my one and only Sentinel."

"Oh."

"So, is this going to be a problem for you?"

"Why would it be?"

"Jim, after that scene in the garage, do you really have to ask?"

"I don't want to get into this now, Chief."

"You never do, but I think we need to talk about this, clear the air between us."

"Sandburg, it's been a rough night, I'm tired, you're tired, this is not the time, okay?"

"Jim, we can't just..."

"Dammit, Blair, I told you I don't want to talk about this...what part of that don't you get? What's done is done, now let's just move on."

"See, this is exactly what I mean...you say you're okay with the diss, but you're still acting like I've run over your puppy."

"Now who's being paranoid? Look, I forgive you for..."

"What...you forgive me? What the hell for?"

"Well, some of the stuff you said about me..."

"Jim, I have spent the last three years observing you, testing you, I have truckloads of notes on how you like your eggs, for god's sake. All the intro chapter is, is a précis of all that...I didn't just make stuff up to hurt you."

"I'm not hurt."

"Could have fooled me. This is exactly why I didn't want you to read it...if you'd only done as I asked..."

"Well if you will shove the damn thing under my nose...And you did say that I could read it first."

"When it's finished, yes, but this was just a first draught of the introduction, It's not ready for you to see yet. And yes, I am sorry for the way I tempted you with it, I should have realised how you would react and..."

"Oh, so now I have no self control either...maybe you should put that in too."

"You said it, Jim, not me."

"I knew it was a mistake to talk about this now...why do you always have to push things to the limit? We should stop now, before I say something I regret."

"Before you say something you regret? So, you don't regret accusing me of...ah...what was it you said...violating our friendship and trust? Do you really believe I did that, Jim?"

"I agreed that I overreacted..."

"Yeah, you did, but you never said that deep down you didn't believe it."

"So I'm not supposed to mind when you go behind my back and discuss my life with my ex-wife?"

"Oh, we're back on this, are we? Tell me, why does this one thing matter so much to you?"

"It's an invasion of privacy."

"Jim, I've been invading your privacy on a daily basis since I moved in here. I don't think that's what this is about."

"Oh, really? Well, then, why don't you share your insights with the rest of us mere mortals Darwin?"

"I think your...aversion to my meeting with Caroline has a lot more to do with us that it has with her."

"What us? I hate to burst your bubble Chief, but there is no us."

"Jim, I know you didn't want to talk about that night again, but..."

"Stop right there. You agreed to forget about this."

"I was wrong. I didn't want to lose you altogether, so I went along with it, but I always knew it wouldn't work. You can't put the genie back in the bottle Jim, and I can't unsay what I said. I told you I loved you and I meant it."

"I don't want to hear this, I..."

"Jim, you *have* to hear it, because the denial isn't working...we're not working."

"We're okay."

"No, we're not. We're getting by, but we're not...connecting like we used to."

"We're friends, what more do you want?"

"That's just it, Jim, we're not just friends...Jim, please, hear me out...I accept that you can never return my feelings for you, but there's so much more to us than that. This whole Sentinel thing ties us to each other in a very special way...we have a...a bond, something that's totally separate from any friendship."

"That's...that's garbage, Sandburg. You're helping me get a grip on my senses, that's it...there's no...uh...no bond, nothing mystic going on. And don't act like your not getting anything out of this deal, you made it quite plain what you wanted when we started."

"That was then, things are different now. I'm way more involved than I ever intended to be, and that's okay, I guess it was inevitable under the circumstances."

"What circumstances?"

"Well, me being your guide and all."

"Guide...uh...where do you get this guide stuff anyway? Just because some whacked out CIA reject once called you that, you think you have a right to my life?"

"It wasn't just Brackett, Jim. Burton talked about the Tribal Sentinels having a back-up, someone who..."

"A back-up, right, that could be anyone...Simon, or Megan..."

"It could be, but it isn't. It's me."

"Only because you're the one with the knowledge to make this work. Once I get a handle on all this, then you won't need to be around all the time any more. Don't go thinking you're a part of my Sentinel abilities."

"Are you saying you don't need me?"

"I need you now, that doesn't mean I always will...you said yourself that I was gaining more and more control every day."

"So...what, you want me to leave?"

"I didn't say that...dammit, Sandburg, why do you always have to twist everything. C'mon, you didn't really think you were going to live under my stairs for the rest of your life, did you?"

"I...no...but...I thought...Jim, even Incacha recognised our bond...he passed the way of the Shaman on to me...that has to mean something to you."

"What has Incacha got to do with this, he met you...what...twice? And the second time he was dying...you can't seriously be basing your future on something a dying man in an alien environment may have said. You said yourself you had no idea how to do what he was asking of you."

"Are you saying he made a mistake?"

"He was a wise man, but he was under a lot of pressure...you were there...you were helping me with my senses, so..."

"So he had no options? Is that it? You think if Simon had been there he might have chosen him?"

"I don't know...no...I...what difference does it make anyway?"

"Are you serious? You just totally trashed my place in your life and you think it doesn't matter?"

"I didn't mean it like that. I appreciate all you've done for me, I couldn't have done it without you, I just don't see that this has to be a lifelong commitment. In fact, I think it's a good thing that you're finally handing in you're intro, you need to get this dissertation finished and get on with your life."

"What?"

"You know, maybe you were right, it was a good idea to get all this out in the open, so we both know where we stand."

"Right...Jim..."

"You know, I feel much better now that we have everything straightened out, I'm sure I'll sleep like a baby. Keep it down if you're staying up...the nightshift is hard enough to deal with without you banging about down here. Are you coming in with me tonight, or do you have plans?"

"Plans?"

"No problem if you can't make it...it's up to you, Chief."

"Jim..."

"Hell of a night, huh, Chief, hell of a night."

Blair watched the retreating back, seeing nothing but the ruin of his dreams. What had just happened? One minute they were fighting, then...what? What did Jim mean...everything was straightened out? And he might know where he stood, but Blair didn't have a clue. At least Jim didn't walk out this time...in body anyway.

He had been willing to sacrifice everything for Jim, and yet it still wasn't enough. He had been so sure that Jim's reaction was due to wounded friendship...and that the extremity of that reaction was an indication of the depth of that friendship. But he was wrong. Again. Jim didn't care, didn't need him, didn't want him, not for anything. He was alone. Again.

Getting up, he pulled his folder from his backpack, blindly skimming the printed pages. All his adult life he had been working towards a single all-consuming goal, a goal now within his grasp, but all he could feel was sick, and ill, and lost. How could he ever have thought that the culmination of his work...that gaining his doctorate, was the best, the most important thing he could ever achieve?

But that was then, and now, now everything was different. Now he understood what really mattered. Love mattered. Home mattered. Jim mattered. All the things that mattered most, now irrevocably lost to him.

***The End***

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