Learning To Swim

by Remma (morennab@yahoo.co.uk)

"You can't go."

Blair paused for a moment, then added his duffle bag to the rapidly growing pile by the door. Jim followed him when he went for the next, standing in the doorway watching anxiously as Blair continued to pack his room into boxes and bags.

"Sandburg, you can't leave; you have to stay."

"Staying hasn't exactly been an outstanding success, has it? Maybe it's time to give leaving a try."

"No, you need to stay. Stay, Chief."

"I'm not a dog, Jim."

"I didn't mean. Look...we can work things out...we can talk."

"You, talk?"

"I can talk."

"I'm sure you can, you just choose not to. Lucky I never properly unpacked, isn't it?"

"Dammit Blair, I'm asking you to stay, why can't you be reasonable?"

"I have been reasonable; I was reasonable when you told me you weren't interested in a relationship; I was reasonable when you read my dissertation, even after I asked you not to; I was reasonable when you threw me out of my home and let that bitch drown me.

"Blair..."

"Hell, I was even reasonable when you made out with that evil murdering psychopath right in front of me...twice."

"You know I..."

"You want to know why I was so reasonable?"

"Look..."

"I actually thought you needed me, how dumb is that?"

"I did. I do, Chief..."

"In spite of all the times you've ignored me, or rejected me, or abandoned me, I still thought I mattered to you; that once Alex was gone, we could start to sort out our lives, maybe work out some way of dealing with each other where I don't always end up as the...the patsy...where...where for once I'm not the one you blame when your life isn't perfect."

"God, I never meant..."

"But guess what? Nothing's changed, no, strike that, it's worse. You absolutely disregarded my needs through this whole Ventriss thing. I needed you Jim, as a friend and as a cop, and you totally let me down. But hey, what's new? We both know who the important one in this relationship is, don't we?"

"I'm sorry."

"Well, it's too late. I've had enough, okay...just...I...I can't do this anymore; it hurts too much."

Blair lifted a box; one of those packed all those weeks ago by Jim and never unpacked. Refusing to look up, he brushed passed Jim to stack it with the others, then, still silent, went back to his room, closing the door resolutely in Jim's face.

"I'm sorry." Jim leaned his head forward, pressing his forehead to the door, the Blairsounds on the other side all that was left to him now that he had been effectively excluded.

How could things have come to this? Blair belonged here, with Jim; they belonged together. Looking to the sad collection of possessions on his living room floor, he saw one of Blair's numerous flannel shirts poking out from a partly open bag. Snatching it up, he rubbed it over his face, pressing it to his mouth and nose, tasting it, drawing in its scent; Blair's scent. Blair couldn't leave; it was not to be tolerated.

That tribal mask, it belonged on their living room wall, not in a cardboard box. Lifting it out, he restored it to its place. Next came an assortment of cd's. Picking them up, he put them back on the shelf alongside his own, routinely alphabetising them, putting them back as they had been before.

He carried on with his appointed task, item-by-item, piece-by-piece, until soon the first box was empty, and he was starting on a second. He was halfway through when Blair emerged dragging the last case, backpack slung over one shoulder, to stop in stunned incredulity at the sight of Jim compacting the now empty boxes.

"Jim...what...I...what are you doing?"

"I'm putting all this stuff back where it belongs."

"This is...Jim...you can't..."

"You're not going; this is your home."

"Jim, I'm leaving, this isn't helping anyone."

"No. This is your home." Boxes dealt with, Jim began on the bags, dragging them to Blair's room and tossing them through the open door.

"God, I don't...okay fine, keep it, keep all of it, I don't need it."

He was at the door when Jim reached him, grabbing the strap of the backpack to pull him back. It fell from his shoulder and he grabbed for it, pulling on the other strap, trying to wrest it from Jim's iron grip.

Abruptly, Jim knew what he had to do. Lunging, he caught Blair's right arm, dragging him close, then reaching behind him he drew out his handcuffs, snapping one half to Blair's wrist, the other to his own.

"There, I told you, Chief, you're not leaving."

Blair stared at their linked hands in disbelief.

"Jim what...this is insane, have you lost your mind? You can't...just take these off, right now."

"Not until you listen to me."

"Jim, I'm not kidding, get this off me."

"No."

"Give me the key."

"No, you're not getting it. No, stop that."

Grabbing Jim's belt, Blair reached frantically for the key. Jim started turning, around and around, Blair turning with him like a dog chasing its tail. Jim fended off the searching hands, extracting the key himself and holding it away from Blair's reaching hands. Blair jumped up, stretching, bumping against Jim and knocking them both to the floor where he continued to scrabble for possession, but was too late, Jim tossing it into his mouth and swallowing convulsively.

"Oh my god, I don't believe you did that."

"Believe it, kid, it's gone."

"No, open your mouth, let me see."

Jim did so, opening wide, so that Blair could peer in and verify that the key was, indeed, gone.

"You did it, you really did it. I mean, you swallowed it."

"I'd swallow the cuffs if it would get you to listen to me."

"I've been ready to listen for months but you wouldn't talk, you..."

"I wasn't ready, but now I am; I'm in the water, and I'm swimming; I'm swimming as hard as I can, but what's the point if you won't listen."

"What water? Man, you have totally lost it."

"The water...the...the water...you know...you said it was nice, but I wouldn't, but now I want to...I want to swim with you. I'm ready; I'm in. Please Blair, it can't be too late. I need you, I...I love you."

"You...you..."

"Love you, yes, I do. I really really do."

"But, all this time...I...how could...you've been..."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"You're sorry, and is that supposed to make everything all right?"

"No, of course it's not. Blair, I know I've behaved like a complete idiot, and I want to make it up to you, but how can I if you're not here? All I'm asking is that you stay and hear me out, please."

"And if I still want to leave when you're done you'll let me go and not try to come after me?""

"I don't know, I...I don't think I can do that, not...but if it's what you really want I could...Blair no, I can't promise that, I'm sorry. I think if you left I'd follow you and keep following until you gave up and came home. Sorry."

"Okay, talk."

"What?"

"You say you want to talk, so talk. Convince me to stay."

"Oh...uh, okay. Uh...Sandburg..."

"Not a good start, Jim."

"Oh, sorry. Blair..."

"Better."

"Okay see...uhm...look, could you maybe ask me questions?"

"Questions?"

"Yeah, then I can answer them and...uhm...explain."

"I thought you said you could talk."

"I exaggerated."

"Jim, you...so, questions. You say you love me."

"Yes, I do."

"How long have you loved me?"

"I don't know."

"Jim, the point of my asking the questions was that you would answer them."

" I did answer."

"'I don't know' is not an answer."

"But I don't know."

"This is going to be a long night. Let's try again. Why don't you know?...and don't say you don't know."

"Uhm...okay...uh, see...I've never...I just didn't know."

"Jim..."

"No, I mean...I thought love was like...I don't know, fireworks and thunderbolts...uh...sleepless nights, all that stuff they have in mushy chick flicks. Only it's not. Those thing are...are..."

"Pheromones."

"Right, pheromones. It's not real, not like it is with you. I didn't know love meant being comfortable with someone and...and everything being right when they were there, and looking for them when they weren't. I didn't know it meant having someone to come home to, to watch a game with, and cook with and...and argue with. So I didn't know, Chief, I didn't know that I loved you because I didn't know that that was love."

"But when I told you..."

"I panicked. You were right about the fear based responses, completely right. You made me think about what I was feeling, question what I thought I knew about myself and I didn't like it. So I blamed you for making me feel that way."

"When you read the diss..."

"I know I shouldn't have done that, but, I wanted...no, I needed to know what you thought about me."

"Jim, that wasn't..."

"I know. I understand, what was in that paper wasn't a reflection of your feelings for me. I understand that, but it still hurt. You'd said you loved me, and...and I thought that meant that you should, I don't know, believe in me."

"God Jim, I have always believed in you, but that doesn't mean I should ignore your faults. That wouldn't be love, that would be...infatuation. Jim, don't you see, when I first met you, you were this...amazing thing I'd been looking for...a Sentinel, and I thought you were the answer to all my prayers. But I didn't love you, I admired you, respected you, hell I revered you, but I didn't love you. That only came later, when I got to know Jim Ellison the man; the man with the colour-coded Tupperware; the man who seals his garbage in saranwrap before tossing it; the man who religiously checks his receding hair line on the first of every month. Jim, I love your faults, they're what make you you."

Jim considered for a moment at the concept of all his quirks being the very things that drew Blair to him. Deciding he liked the idea, he smiled contentedly, the smile widening as he realised something else.

"Love, you said you love me, not loved...you still love me."

"I never said I didn't."

"But you were leaving me."

"I was leaving because you didn't love me."

"But I do love you."

"Well I know that now."

"And you believe me?"

"Yes, but...Jim, I just don't know if we can make this work."

"But...but I've told you now, why isn't it okay?"

"Because love isn't always enough."

"Then what is enough? Because Blair, I really don't think I can lose you."

"When did you know?"

"What?"

"You say you didn't know you loved me, but now you do. So I'm asking, what changed?"

"Blair..."

"Did you know when we were in Sierra Verde Jim? Did you know you were in love with me when you made love to Alex Barnes?"

"Yes."

"I see."

"No, you don't."

"So explain it to me Jim, explain to me how you could do that to me."

"I wasn't...I...everything was all mixed up. I was scared of hurting you, and I didn't want..."

"But you did hurt me."

"No, I mean before; I had a vision."

"Of the temple or of Alex?"

"Of you. I killed you. I was hunting in the jungle and I shot a wolf and it was you, and you were dead. I killed you."

"What, when?"

"Before I made you leave. I thought...I wanted you to be safe."

"You're saying that's why you threw me out?"

"Yes, well, partly, the rest was just...muddle. I felt...out of control, and I thought, if I could just get clear, of everything then I could...uh...I don't know, get it back."

"And when you told me you didn't trust me, that I had betrayed you?"

"I was jealous."

"Jealous?"

"She was a Sentinel, Chief, like me. Except she was a woman, and beautiful, and...and I thought...I don't know, I didn't like to think of you with her. It hurt, so I wanted you to hurt too."

"Well hey, you got your wish."

"Blair, I came to you as soon as I realised she was coming after you, I swear, if I could change what happened, I would."

"I guess you did, didn't you? I was dead and you brought me back, that's a pretty major change."

"I couldn't let you go, not then, and not now. That vision, it was...god, I don't have the words."

"We merged...our souls merged."

"Yes."

"You knew that, and still..."

"Yes, I know, and I am so so sorry. I think it was the finality of it."

"I don't understand."

"I've always had...options...an escape route. Nothing was ever irrevocable. Hell, even my marriage only lasted a couple of years; I've already been with you longer than I was with her. And see, that's the thing. With you...if I ever took that step with you, then there would be no going back. I could never be with anyone else, never go anywhere or do anything without you. That level of commitment...it's just...I mean, what if you changed you mind, if you stopped wanting me? Trust is hard for me Chief. Every time I trust someone they let me down, and..."

"Not every time."

"No, not every time. You haven't, not ever, and I'm sorry that I've ever accused you of betraying me."

"I never would Jim."

"I know."

"Do you, really? Because if you don't, if you can't trust me, then..."

"I do, Blair. It's not you I don't trust, not really, it's me. I don't trust myself to be happy. I keep thinking that I'll screw it up somehow and that it's better to end it before I get hurt, so I push and I push, and I make the bad stuff happen."

"Control."

"What?"

"If you're the one denying yourself what you desire, then you're still in control. The minute you decide to trust someone you give them the power to hurt you, and you give up that control."

"You're right, that's it exactly, but I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be happy; I want to be with you."

"I want that too, Jim, but there's one last thing that I can't...that I need to get past before we can be together."

"Alex, in the temple, right?"

"Yes. I have to know why...how you could do that."

"I don't know what to say other than it wasn't me, it was the Sentinel."

"Jim..."

"I know you said that I can't separate out the different facets of my life, but sometimes one takes precedence over the other, and in Sierra Verde, the Sentinel was in control."

"You left me in the jungle. I was sick, and there were dangerous armed men chasing us, but you still left me."

"I know. I didn't...I wasn't thinking about the reality of what was going on. Incacha told me I had to go on alone, so I did. I think I believed you'd be safer if I went on alone, but honestly, I was mostly acting on instinct."

"I see. Incacha. I've never been able to compete with him, have I?"

"Is that what you think? Blair, you are so much more to me than he ever was. He knew that, he knew that I needed you, and kept trying to make me see that too. First when you drowned, he knew I wouldn't be able to go on without you, so he showed me how to get you back. Then in the grotto, in the pools, I thought I was going crazy, and I called on him to help me again. He told me he couldn't, that I needed to find my light, and I saw it, my light, it was you...I saw you. Blair, you, and only you are my light...my Guide. You're the reason I made it through, and Alex didn't, because you were with me, were a part of me, maybe...maybe because of the melding thing, or maybe because over the years you've become entrenched in my life to such a degree that I no longer have any part of me that doesn't include you, I don't know. Anyway, all I know is that you were there, right beside me where you belonged."

"I...why did you never tell me any of this?"

"I don't know. Once the euphoria of the pools had passed, Jim Ellison was back in control, and you know what a repressed son of a bitch he is. So, I started pushing you away again. Maybe I even started pulling away after the fountain, that would at least explain why I didn't know it was you in the hotel room."

"What about the first time?"

"What first time?"

"Here, when you pulled a gun on me at the door."

"Oh, then. That was weird, I heard the jaguar again, and I sensed...something, and..."

"My god, Alex; I had just met Alex. You must have somehow sensed that I'd been with another Sentinel and you were reacting to a...a threat from a...rival. And then when I went on meeting with her, you...uh...believed that your territory was being...invaded. That could be why you behaved the way you did to me."

"See, I knew there was a reason, so it wasn't all my fault, it was..."

"Jim, if you're about to say that this is my fault, then we are done."

"I wasn't. I was going to say...uh...nothing. So, here we are then."

"Yeah, here we are; sitting on a couch, handcuffed together. And I still can't believe you did that; man, you ate the key, you ate the key. Unbelievable."

"I'm having a little trouble with that myself...I think maybe I was a little nuts for awhile there."

"Jim, you were totally unhinged."

"Sorry. Do you still want to leave?"

"No, that's not an option anymore, not now that I know...Jim, I'm still mad, about a lot of stuff. You've been treating me like shit and I'm really pissed at you, but I love you and I'll get over it, just not right at once."

"What can I do to make it better."

"Well, I see a lot of grovelling in your future, healthy food, museum visits and a lot of tests. You're going to have to accept that I get to make some of the house rules, and the first one being that I am always right and you are always wrong...now I'm not saying it will always be that way, maybe in time, after sufficient penance you may get to be right occasionally, but for the time being, anything that goes wrong, absolutely anything, is totally your fault."

"Sounds fair. Anything else?"

"Well, for now, I'll settle for getting these damn cuffs off."

"Oh, right...uhm, bit of a problem there."

"You do have a spare key?"

"That was the spare."

"I don't believe it. I do not believe it. What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

"Sorry."

"Should we call Simon?"

"Oh god, we'd never hear the end of it, and how exactly would we explain this?"

"We could say it was a Sentinel thing."

"How could it possibly be a Sentinel thing?"

"I don't know, but you know Simon, if we told him it was, he'd probably say 'I don't want to know', so we wouldn't have to explain."

"I think this he'd want to know about. I don't suppose you're willing to wait until the key...uh...reappears?"

"Eeew, no way man. And I absolutely don't want to be around when it does, that is like, so gross."

"Yeah, I guess. Okay then, Simon it is."

"No, wait, I've got a better idea, we can call Kevin."

"Kevin who?"

"Kevin Bogarde, one of the other T.A.'s."

"And calling him will help our situation how?"

"He and his girlfriend are seriously into bondage; you wouldn't believe some of the kinky stuff he's got lying around his apartment. He's bound to have some handcuff keys somewhere."

"Won't he think it's a little odd, us being...you know, like this?"

"God no. I could be sitting here handcuffed to Jesse Helms in a pink tutu and singing Beethoven's Ode to Joy and he wouldn't bat an eyelid."

"Is that you or Jesse Helms in the pink tutu? 'Cause I gotta tell you, pink is really not your colour. Blue now, or maybe red, but pink...no."

"I'm hurt. You say you love me then insult my taste in clothing."

"Didn't you say loving someone meant not ignoring their faults."

"You misunderstood. I meant your faults; I have no faults. I am that unique individual who has attained spiritual and physical perfection."

"Funny, I thought you'd be taller."

"Hey, are we forgetting hose rule No.1 'Blair is always right'?"

"Sorry, I'll try to do better."

"See that you do. You know, I think I'm really going to enjoy this."

"Oh god, what have I let myself in for?"

"The best time of your life, Jim."

"Oh yeah. Blair?"

"Yes?"

"I really do love you."

"I know. Just don't you ever forget who said it first."

Reaching out a hand Jim gently caressing accross Blair's cheek and on into his hair, winding long fingers into the soft curls to pull him close for a kiss of infinite tenderness.

"No Blair, I won't forget. I won't forget anything that's happened between us, and I swear to you, I will do everything in my power to keep you safe, even from me. I will never again reject you, neglect you or belittle you, and I trust you to do the same for me."

Blair looked deep into his lover's eyes, seeing the truth of his words. He leaned forward, wrapping his free arm around Jim's waist, laying his head against the broad chest with a contented sigh. Now, finally,it was over; he was home.

***The End***

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