My world

Silence. Around me is silence. I do not hear anything. Not in my room. Not in my cell. Not in my world. I think I'm deaf. Deaf for the noise outside my room. In my room - silence. No talking. No arguing. No screaming. No yelling. No singing. No music. No television.

Silence.

Cold silence.

I'm cold. My skin is cold. My blood is cold. I feel it. Creeping up my body. No warmth. Just cold. Freezing. My blood may freeze. I would not mind it. It would be new. No routine anymore. I'm shivering. It is cold. Inside. Outside. Around me. Everywhere. Icy coldness.

Hanging. Hanging upside down. Just hanging. No movement. Hang. I hang here. Every day. Every night. Inside. Until I'm needed. Then I'm moving. Jumping down. Sometimes falling. Leaving. Being outside.

Darkness. Inside. Outside. Everywhere. Just darkness. No sun. No moon. No stars. No light at all. Just darkness. Around me. Safety. Darkness is safety. No one cares. No one sees. Everyone is equal in darkness. Me as well. No one knows what's behind him. No one sees. No one hears. Equality. Finally.

The door opens. Light breaks the darkness. No safety anymore. Danger. Light is danger. Everyone sees everyone. I blink. I'm needed. Now. Leave the safety. Go into light. Into icy warmth. Outside. Not inside. Outside. Around my room. Around my cell. I'm jumping down. Following the man who disturbed me.

Into the light.

Into the noise.

Into the warmth.

I see him. Sitting on his desk. Picking up his gun. Weapon. I want my weapon. I want my knife. Knife is safety. Knife is loneliness. I want loneliness. Now. I say the word. He's looking at me. Cold. His glasses break the light. I blink. See my knife in the other guy's hand. Reaching for it. Loneliness. Now. I lick it. Feel the cold steel. Feel the darkness. Feel the silence.

Safety.

Arguing. Both guys are arguing. I leave the room. Knife in my hand. Want silence. Without talking is silence. Without arguing is silence. I hear them. I want silence. Waiting for it. Waiting for them.

Observing the kid. Sitting face to face. Eating his toast. Not looking at me. No talking. Just eating. Cutting, chewing, choking. Looks funny. Not that funny I'm caused to laugh. Laugh is loud. Loud is noise. Noise isn't silence. Want silence. Want safety.

The boss comes. Cold. His steps break the silence. Followed by the guy. Unerved. Looks at me. I look back. Observing his movements. He lowers his gaze. No talking. He sits down. Next to me. I observe his movements. No noise. My knife in my hand. Loneliness. Inside. Outside.

He says my name. Serious. My name. Not my name. My name. I do not show any statement. I just blink. He talks about our opponents. About our mission. About SZ. I know SZ. They are the boss. High. Cold. Silent. I obey them. I obey him. Want to have silence after it.

Want loneliness.

Want solitude.

Want darkness.

Want safety.

I shall kill. Now. Not alone. My opponent. I shall kill him. I will kill him. Now. Inside. Then outside. We will defeat our opponents. Want silence. Inside. Outside. Around me. No danger. No real danger. No anxiety. Just icy steel. Coldness. Darkness. Inside. Outside.

He'll die.

Silence outside. The guy telepathes now. First with the boss. Then with me. I hear him. Clearly. No silence. He provokes. I try to block him out. I fail. No silence. It is loud. No safety. I hate him.

Knife. Knife is safety. My knife next to his face. In the white wall. He glares at me. I glare back. I hate him. The boss yells at us. Loud. I take my knife back. I blink at him. No safety. He stops yelling. Argues. The telepath argues back. Loud. I lick my knife. Coldness. Darkness. Silence inside.

The kid leaves the room. The boss and the telepath follow. Arguing. No order for me to follow. I'm waiting. Waiting for order. No talking.

Silence.

Inside.

Outside.

Around me.

*

(c) of the story, NOT of the characters by Ninian, 2001