SAINT OF SADNESS

what ravages of spirit

conjured, this temptous rage

created you a monster,

broken by the rules of love

and fate has lead you through it,

you do what you have to do

and fate has led you through it,

you do what you have to do...

and I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how

to let you go

every moment marked

with apparations of your soul,

I'm ever swiftly moving ,

trying to escape this desire

the yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

oh the yearning to be near you

I do what I have to do

but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how

to let you go

I don't know how

to let you go

a glowing ember,

burning hot,

burning slow,

deep within I'm shaken

by the violence of existing

for only you

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do

I know I can't be with you

I do what I have to do

but I have the sense to recognize

but I don't know how

to let you go...

I am the prisoner and have kept myself a prisoner for so long, I loved my captor, I loved the prison I was kept in. How does it really feel to love somebody with all your heart? It feels like you're breathing them inside you, breathing for them, that person is your air, your everything. I know how that feels like...He was my everything, the air I breathe, the soul I keep, the dreams I have.

Brad Crawford, my captor.

I was alone in my room that night when I heard them speak and plan their life together. I wasn't mentally probing, I was drying myself from a good bath and just eavesdropped on a casual conversation. Brad was going to live his life with Nagi, start a-new. I didn't know where I was going, I didn't know what was going to do with this new found freedom, what I was going to do without Brad.

I strayed to the kitchen, maybe have a smoke or a drink. I was specific whenever I flirt with him, but he took my *declarations* like it was the slip of the tongue...never took any of it seriously, probably never will.

Nagi was another story, he knew definitely that I really liked his lover, and didn't take too kindly to any advances I made...maybe Brad knew, or maybe he didn't, maybe he took some sick gratifying pleasure out of knowing it, but Nagi would really hurt me after I flirt with Brad, when he's out of earshot or out of sight Nagi would hurt me...bounce me off a wall, slam me to the door.

He was the jealous type.

I was having a smoke in the kitchen when Brad came out to get himself a drink, I remember looking at him and asking him outright what he planned to do now that Esset had dessimated into a billion pieces and Schwarz was just an echo in the winds.

He'd always been direct, it was a good thing then again it was a bad thing because sometimes it really hurt, the things that come out of his mouth. He said that he'd be going to America with Nagi where they could start a new life, he didn't specify what they were going to do there for a living but he did emphasize with such pride in his voice that Nagi was going to college.

I had to bow my head to hide the flash of unshed tears. I wanted Brad to ask me, ask me what I was going to do with my life. to be interested in me for a little bit. Instead he tapped the counter as if ending the conversation and smiled a tentative smile...no goodbyes he just told me to *have a good life*.

To be honest it was painful to hear, painful to watch him turn his back and open the fridge and then walk away like he's done a million times, back to the arms of the person that made him smile, made him calm. It was painful that I wasn't that person.

I took a last drag of my fag and extinguished it on the ashtray. I didn't feel like sleeping, i think I'll just wait for the medics who're going to take Farfarello in, poor kid after being used, and abused within Esset's confines he was going to be shipped off in some silly asylum and stored there until he probably rots...if I had any direction from here I'd keep him but I just didn't know where I was going myself and it would just make life a deeper hell for both of us.

I turned to stand but I was greeted by a most cold smile, a bitter set of eyes that never wavered. Nagi was looking at me. He was always the sensitive type to every conversation I had with Brad, I wonder why he was so...insecure.

*We leave tomorrow* he said.

I replied with a disinterested shrug, sort of like a "so what" gesture.

But the next statement made me bolder, daring, he could throw me off the building for all I care, but I just had to answer him back.

Nagi said *Brad's mine.*

I cackled softly, and looked straight into his brown eyes and answered *No, Brad's not yours, you may belong to him, but he will never belong to anyone.* I was ready for a big fall or a crash with the dining room table but I was never ready for a slap in the face, he didn't use his powers, he came over to me in a flash and slapped my face.

I wasn't in the mood to retaliate, what for? Brad was leaving and he was leaving with his little lover. I walked away, and he stood there in the darkness, I headed for my room, a place where I could maybe…cry.

I enter my room quietly, laying on the bed and trying not to think about anything, bad enough I get to hear everyone's thoughts. Sleep has its way of luring me within its grasp, I felt it coming and I was happy to oblige my eyelashes slowly falling when suddenly...it was there, and i hated Nagi for it. I hated him for being the kind of person that he is taunting me, telling me that I was nothing and no one to Brad.

First it was a twitch in my head, his silent, cooing laugh..*Schuldig...care to watch me...* I closed my mind, I knew what he was up to, I knew that he was seducing Brad to have sex with him that night, inviting me to see through his eyes how he would contort himself to Brad's whims, to Brad's preference, how he'd take Brad in, or ministrate how Brad would slide into him...to tell me that Brad would do anything he would ask in bed because he was Nagi...and I would have to suffer for it because I was not him.

I wanted to scream, I wanted to lash out, but the walls that separated us hushed me to listen to Nagi's cries of pleasure and I made out Brad's moaning...Nagi cried out Brad's name, what a way to end an orgasm. I felt a hot tear crawl down my face, how many times did I dream of crying out Brad's name while love making...I forget...I guess his name will never escape my lips in such a way that I wanted, that I dreamed of.

The noise died down and I got my sleep. Although I woke up a few times, teary eyed to the fact that Brad won't be there within the next days, he won't be in that room, I won't hear his voice through the wall anymore, it'll just be a cold empty room and I will be alone in this apartment, save if I find someone to occupy my time...but that would be a long shot...that would only remind me of him.

Two locks clicked. It was enough to wake me up, and when I raised my head the sun was beginning to peer over the city although they were but a few rays and darkness was still dominant. I went out and spilled to the hall where Crawford stood in his sweat shirt and sweat pants.

It was he who spoke first that time *they took him away already* he said and I knew that HE meant Farfarello. I might have sensed him sad at that time, 8 years is a long enough time to be working with someone and I knew deep inside he was all but happy seeing farfarello away. I didn't want to deal with that so I moved turn at my heels but his voice caught me and having loved him for so long it was enough to stop me in my tracks.

*His eye was pleading Schu, like it was begging me to stop the medics, he didn't struggle but he pleaded.*

My back was to him and a sighed and smiled a painful smile, secretly. It was of the essence that he saw Farferello's emotions. I told myself. Brad look at my eyes and you'll probably see the same...pleading orbs begging you to reconsider, stay, at least look at me twice.

There was a dampness in the air we were breathing at that precise moment and I turned to him with a calm glint, hiding all that I had just been thinking about, I reached out to his face, praying that he would not turn it away like he usually did. Maybe some god heard me because he stayed perfectly still and for the first time I caressed the cheeks I've so longed to touch. I wanted to kiss him, but that would be pushing my luck, a touch was enough.

*It's for the best Brad.* that was all I said, I knew it was lame and it barely covered the extent of assurance he was asking but that was all I could say, all I could do. The silence almost broke my heart, but what fate kills, fate revives when he touched my hand and nodded, whispering a thanks before bowing his head...maybe to hide the sadness or maybe peer away from me because I was the last person he wanted comfort from.

As I felt his hand slide away, I retrieved my hand as well it was burning upon his cool skin. Brad walked away first whispering *you should go back to bed* I placed my burning hand to my chest and held it with the other, I held him , and in a few hours he was leaving, I held him for the first and probably the last time.

I turned to make my way to my room once more when he once again came out leaning from the doorframe of his room to mine.

*Our flight is around 5:00 AM you might still be asleep by then...I'd just like to say...Goodbye.*

I didn't answer, I couldn't answer. There was a swelling sob in my throat and I kept my mouth shut. I nodded and closed my door on him. As I sat on my bed, I thought he had no idea how much I liked ...loved him. He had no idea that by saying *Goodbye* he had given me hope that someday he would say *Hello* again. He had no idea how much he had hurt me and made me happy all at the same time. he had no idea how desperate I was to hold on to him.

I was a fool in love, but I'd rather be a fool than feel nothing at all.

===

Nagi was all bouncy I could hear and feel the vibrations of his foot over their floor carpet, urging Brad to hurry or else they'll be late for the airport. Brad's chuckles made my heart twist and turn. I felt Nagi open my bedroom door to check on me. I remained still and closed my eyes. I knew it was either he was asked by Brad to say goodbye properly or he was going to say goodbye to rub it in my face that he was leaving with Brad.

He must've been convinced by my even breathing that indeed I was still asleep, and he slowly closed the door. I even heard Brad remind him to not forget his hand carry, I cried, if that were me Brad, I'd never forget anything. I'd never have to be reminded to do things. I heard the front door click shut...and I let the tears fall, like they always did, when I was alone.

Breakfast was miserable that day. No Farfarello, no Nagi...and most specially No Brad Crawford to tell us to hurry up or get dressed or eat our cereals. I never did follow anything he said about meals, but on the other hand I always did what he told me when it came to Schwarz, I'd readily die for him in any case.

I got up at around 10:00 AM and basked in the knowledge that the apartment was all mine, Brad had made sure of that some weeks before, it was good news to Nagi that I had no plans of leaving Japan.

I sat by the window and took in the morning bustle of the city, as I had breakfast...cigarettes and coffee. It was nothing new, because it was either that or tea and sympathy. I tied my hair back and clutched my cup braving myself because this was the first day of my new life...and without him I knew this new life would be hell. No clear cut path, no direction, because the only person I lived for was gone.

====

That first night I brought home a man who looked like Crawford in someways, the height, the hair, but even if he had glasses, they weren't Crawford's glasses, he could never pull off the way Brad adjusted it using his index finger, nor could he emulate the cool and calm demeanor that is entirely Brad.

I undressed him slowly, like I'd always wanted to do Brad, starting with the coat and then his tie, then the pants would come off leaving him with that crisp white shirt and boxers…I took him in and sucked depriving him of being able to penetrate me. I was a virgin in that region and I only wanted Brad to be the one to take me...it was Brad or no one else. I didn't get his name and when I started thrusting in him, I admit to having gasped Brad's name when I came. Not that he minded, not that I care if he minded. we were both nameless and both just looking for an escape, I didn't probe his mind, I just didn't feel doing what I was born to do, because for as long as I can remember I've always used my abilities for him and now that he's gone, that ability was like a uniform that you keep once school is out.

I saw him to the door and once I locked it and turned around I was greeted by nothing but darkness, Brad wasn't there to scold me, to tell me that during a weekday, being sober and focused was the objective. I loved it when he waited up for me, of course after he scolded me I'd saunter off to my own room with a smile on my face saying Yes, Brad noticed me. But then again Nagi would be there and look at me straight and I'd feel myself being lifted and next thing I know I hit a wall or a chair...they weren't lethal but they weren't pain-free either. Then I'd hear him calm Brad down for being upset and all that.

I was the bad guy that made Nagi look good, I was the devil that made the standards for Nagi to become Brad's angel. I took upon my role, I hated it, but held on to it, because it was a role I played and it fitted somewhere in his life.

The cool breeze hit my skin under the robe I was wearing, I came upon the bathroom to wash myself clean, when reality hit me...the bathroom we all shared was empty except for my things...and it felt really hollow and cold, I could not stand it until my eyes fell upon something that Brad left behind, an old 1940's razor he got in a local auction the last time he came home from the States. He was fascinated by it and even in the presence of all the latest hi-tech gadgets for shaving he insisted using it, trying to embibe some old cowboy movie, where the protagonist is seen shaving in the morning.

I picked it up and toyed with it, this metal that touched Brad's skin over and over, I stared and held it for the longest time, and I didn't know what happened next, because in a few minutes I felt dizzy and started falling to the bathroom floor where blood started pooling around me, I lifted my hands and they were bloody. I didn't cry for help, I wanted to go...I stared at my first cut, my first attempt at suicide, and it wasn't the first time I did it and I'm not sure if this would be the last.

====

First thing I saw was a white panel, a wall, alone in a hospital room bandaged wrists and and empty stomach. Someone saved me, seems I know who that was...my bedmate...he forgot something in the house and came back. I could easily pick up the story in the heads of the nurses. So vulnerable to my probing, next day I was out of there. Found myself going down a cab and turning the key to the locked apartment. I wanted a bath, I think that I was going to go and take a bath when I suddenly took a side trip...

Ch' no worries. I filled the tub and splashed the lukewarm water with magnolia-scented bath oil, seeping in with the aroma through every crack in this hell hole...I wrapped my bandage with plastic and took of all my clothes...rake thin, my ribs showing. As I submerge myself in the synthetic warmth...memory brings me back to the time I first realized Brad and Nagi were intimate...

I languidly walked in on them having a bubble bath together...and I thought my head was spinning as I whirled out of there to catch my breath...I always knew Nagi liked him, but since I could never read Brad's mind...I never knew he returned the favor. With water touching me and memory depriving me of relaxation, I hunch up and rest my cheeks upon my knees...I refuse to cry, but the tears came nonetheless, the pain of being left behind is a pain that's close to unbearable.

I know it, I'm living it.

 ====

 You lose the concept of time when you have no one to share it with.

Sitting on this stupid couch, smoking this friggin' fag and staying in this hellhole of an apartment I miss them all. I even miss the afternoon escapades of Brad and Nagi...I hated it in every way possible, but it became part of me, because Brad was there.

There was one time when I came home and saw articles of clothing scattered on the hallway...I knew, you didn't have to be a rocket scientist to know what they were doing.

From the corner of the hall they had the door to their bedroom open, and I could see Nagi lay on top of Brad. They were naked, slowly kissing, the tenderness that American showed was inconcievable to me and Farfarello... I stayed there for a while, call me a pervert, sure, I guess I am...but as I watched them the more I realized I stood no chance against Nagi. When Brad cradled him in his arms and laid flat on his back so Brad could thrust in him, deeper and fully eliciting soulful cries from his young mouth. Brad would contort him in various sensual positions, kissing his knees, his thighs, chest, every part of him.

Like fragile crystal...that's how Brad treated him.

That time, I would have watched forever, but the snarl that brought me crashing down from wherever place I was made me go and scamper off somewhere, smoke and hide. It was Brad snarling for me to get out, and that look in Nagi's face was too much. Too much.

I didn't know what went over me but I felt a tightness in me and I wanted to touch myself. Masked in the loneliness of the place...I see him come to me, and lift my wrists to his mouth, kissing every cut, making them feel better, less burning. He's asking me the sweetest things, and kissing my neck in the most sensual way that he can, trailing his tongue against the structure. I hear myself moan, I see his face and I let my hands travel to my shaft feeling it hard, seeing in the darkness his face, his hands holding it for me...dreams...and I feel the pumps, and I break down crying out a name that could never be mine, for a person who refused to be mine...and I come in my own hands. Nothing to feel. This is the way I want to go, after all the pain and the disappointments.

Wistful eyes looking out the window, city light slowly breathing life into the night. I feel nothing so I reach over the table, old partner of mine, a semi-automatic, swallowing a the barrel to feel the coldness against the dome of my mouth. I fire.

=====

It's strange to see yourself bleed to death, to see your eyes roll uncontrollably. Floating above and below the gestures of kindness the night offers through smoke and liquor beside your cold frame. Am I free of you? Am I finally free of you? Even in death you have my heart...I will never love anyone else and I was true to my promise...I can't have you.

Schuldig's dead, now who will I become, a floating collection of sadness?

Even in my last breath I can't let go, can't disillusion myself of what you really mean to me, and it hurts too much.

Maybe there's a heaven for those who've never known happiness, if there is then I truly will never see you because you've found yours...you've found Nagi. But it's a good thing I guess, beacause if such a place exists, you'll just laugh a me for being a saint.

END

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Disclaimers:

Brad, schuldig and Nagi are owned by Project Weiss.

Song used was written and is owned by Sarah McLachlan. "Do What You Have To Do" Used only for reference, I don't own it. No copyright infringement intended.

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