Schuldich's Ultimate Hitchhiker Guide: Part 2 [Katakana Asylum]
Chapter One- Part Two
Mr. Tsukiyono Omi was, as they say, simply human. In other words, he was a carbon based bipedal life form descended from an ape. More specifically he was 18, short, annoying, and worked for the city council. Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male-line descendant of Boy George, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so mucked up his genes that he had no real "Georgian" features. The only traces left of Tsukiyono's mighty ancestry was a pronounced girlyness in his demeanor and a predilection for little blue hats.
He was, in no way, a great singer; in fact he was a nervous, and slightly twittish man. Today he was particularly nervous and twittish because his job was not going as expected. His job being, to ensure that Bradley Crawford's house was cleared before the day was done.
"Come on Crawford." He said, "You can't win, you know. You can't possibly lie in front of the bulldozer all day." He attempted the Fujimiya glare of death, but his eyes just wouldn't do it. Bradley lay in the mud and squelched at him.
"I'm game! We'll see who gives out first!"
"I'm afraid you'll just have to live with it," said Omi, fumbling with his blue hat and rolling it between his fingers; "This bypass has got to be built."
"Why does it have to be built?!"
"What do you mean `Why does it have to be built?' ?" Omi replied, "You have to build bypasses!"
Bypasses are curious things. Bypasses are devices that allow people, such as yourself, to get from point A to point B rather quickly, while people dash from point B to point A rather quickly. While all this massive amounts of transportation is going on, people at point C, who are right in the middle, are pondering why people from point A are so busy trying to get to point B, and vise verse. Omi was all for this bypass; simply because it would allow him to get to his little flat in point D and point E which would be the nearest pub to said flat. He shifted his weight upon each foot. Obviously someone had been overtly incompetent and he was hoping it wasn't him.
"You were quite entitled to pipe up about it at the appropriate time you know." Omi said.
"Appropriate time?" hooted Bradley. "Appropriate time? The only time I knew about it was when a worker came to my door yesterday. I asked him if he had come to wash the windows he said no, that he had come to demolish the house. But that was not his straightaway answer. Oh no. First he cleaned a couple of windows and charged me ten bucks, and then he told me."
"But Mr.Crawford, the plans have been available in the local council office for the last nine months."
"Well of course. As soon as I heard, I went straight around to see them. It's not like you went out of your way to call attention to them or anything."
"But the plans were on display."
"Bull shit! I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them."
"That's the display department."
"With a flashlight."
"Ah, well, the lights had probably gone out."
"So had the stairs."
"You found the notice didn't you?!"
"Yes." Said Bradley, "yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a discarded lavatory, with a sign on the door that read `Beware of the Leopard'. A cloud passed overhead, casting a shadow over Crawford's house.
"It's not like it's a particularly nice house."
"I'm sorry, but I happen to like it."
"You'll like the bypass."
"Shut up. Shut up and go away, you have no leg to stand on when it comes to this."
Tsukiyono Omi's mouth opened and closed a bit before he managed to stutter out a question.
"Mr. Crawford?"
"Hello? Yes?" Bradley answered.
"A bit of a question. Do you know how much damage will be done to this bulldozer's roller if it were to go over you?"
"How much?"
"None at all." Omi replied, and stormed off, agitated and wondering why many flying monkeys were screeching in his head.