In what was surely a fixed race, Kevin Harvick won in the car that DE drove before his untimely death. It was clear that NASCAR had the “Call” out for him. So they paid the other 42 drivers to drive a little bit slower all day today. Of course, then they paid all the 1000 or so crew members who heard about it, and the NASCAR inspectors all had to be bribed and the media has to be paid off this time since they forgot to pay them last time and… and… and… That’s all you’ll hear from me about the “fix”. I won’t waste my time trying to explain the difficulty, the impossibility of, and total stupidity for NASCAR to try to “fix” a race. Just a waste of time. Those are the same people that 5 years from now will be saying DE was ready to retire but he wanted to retire in anonymity. So he really staged his death and their cousin just saw DE shopping at Wally-World wearing a beard and a Braves hat. Just a waste of time.

“So let’s go racing!”

I must start by saying congratulations to Todd Bodine and Jimmy Spencer for putting the Carter cars on the front row. Travis is a good guy that “did it his way” and it’s nice to see him get a little satisfaction occasionally. Of course the only way that Todd and Jimmy could have made up the front row was through a NASCAR “fix”. I hate when they do that. We all know they let Jimmy have second so that he would apologize for his stupid comments from last week!

The race started out with Jimmy showing he had a fast car despite NASCAR giving him his 2nd place start. He held the point for a little while before Ricky Rudd was able to take over the lead when NASCAR pulled Jimmy’s “fix” and passed it along to Rudd. See Rudd had recently given Brian France a new car so the “call” had come down. Finally at lap 23 Mike Skinner was catching the front despite NASCAR’s repeated calls to “stand down”. So they had their secret plant on the track (another million $ payment) dump roofing nails in front of Skinner, causing a tire go down and Mike to crash into the wall.

A few back runners pitted but the front pack remained out with Rudd leading (he got the “call”), Kevin Harvick second, Todd third, Jerry Nadeau fourth and Sterling Marlin in fifth. The green saw Rudd begin to fall back despite NASCAR’s “call” so they decided to give it to Harvick since he seemed to be coming fastest and… who better to win then the ex-DE Sr. car, a week after the DE Jr. got the call. Great thinking! Give Mike Helton another raise, pay off Rudd and “call” Harvick! What’s his cell phone number?

So it’s time to use the trump card. Throw the “NASCAR tire caution/whisper to all the drivers who has the “call” now” yellow flag at lap 40. Oh dang… Martin, Johnny Benson, Robby Gordon, Matt Kenseth and Jeff Burton stayed out. Get on their secret radar wave radio frequency and tell them back off “or else”. And Jr. got out before Harvick, tell him he had his “call” last week, get out of Kevin’s way! So at lap 45 the green flies and Martin heeds NASCAR, dropping like he’s dragging an anchor. But what’s with that Spencer, he’s all of a sudden back out front, tell him his call was for 2nd position start, nothing more! But spencer wasn’t listening and managed to fend off all of NASCAR’s “paid blockers” until the green flag stops began around lap 90.

By the time the pit stop cycle had completed NASCAR was able to get their “designated driver” out with a little block thrown at Spencer on pit road. It was now Jerry “I’m Taped for Maximum Oil Blow” Nadeau out in front of Spencer, Benson third, Kevin “Hot Dang, I Got The Call” Harvick fourth and Jeff “I’m Tired of Being the Sacrificial Engine” Gordon fifth. Benson heeded NASCAR and slowly backed off but Spencer ignored the call so a quick “debris/somebody slap Spencer” yellow flag at lap 113. A quick round of “finish telling everybody who is supposed to win this week pit stops” saw Nadeau still on top but NASCAR had Steve “I’m Not His Teammate!” Park pull the engine hand-grenade pin to oil the track and after another round of pit stops Kevin Harvick amazingly returned to the track first. He was followed by Jerry “Hey Jimmy Back Off Or I’ll Blow” Nadeau, Spencer, Sterling “I Want a Call, Remember Everyone Wanted To Kill Me” Marlin and Jeff “What Do I Do? Burton.

As the laps began to wind down and Harvick began to wind up, it was just a matter of Hornaday blowing an engine at lap 150 to tell Spencer he was still pushing his luck in third; Nadeau given the OK to blow up in front of Spencer to give him his final warning at lap 187 (which Buckshot Jones was unfortunate enough to be the victim of instead of Spencer); Todd Bodine given the old “slick-spot-aroo” in payment for not backing off quicker earlier at lap 198 causing caution number 7 (which also reminded Joe Nemechek that he was now in the lead of a “called” race and if he didn’t disappear his other shoulder would be broke); the quick “debris/re-shuffle the field“ so nobody suspects yellow at lap 229 (and tell Spencer’s crew he’s only allowed to have fuel); put Martin, Kenseth, and Busch (Roush’s ‘bought’ drivers) in front of Spencer just to double team him: turn up the nitro implant in Harvick’s car; spin Todd one more time for good measure at lap 245 and get a yellow to put Kevin out front; use the invisible force field to make Tony Stewart bobble and cut Sterling a check if he’ll wreck him for being so bad in the garage last week; and “voila”… Harvick motors home to another “fixed” NASCAR win.
See… I told you I wasn’t going to talk about how ridiculous a “fix” or “call” would be.

Kudos to Robert Pressley (2nd) because they NEVER give him the “call”, Ricky Rudd (3rd) who was just a tick slow on getting the “call” today, Dale Jarrett (4th) who has already got a couple “calls” this year, Jimmy Spencer (5th) who’ll never get another call if he doesn’t toe the line and shut up, Mark Martin (6th) who deserves a “call” real soon, Matt Kenseth (7th) who isn’t sure what a “call” is but kind of remembers getting one before, Kurt Busch (8th) who’s not quite ready for a “call”, Sterling Marlin (9th) who keeps hearing the call but it just doesn’t have his name in front of it and Bill Elliott (10th) who just can’t hear the call anymore. But despite having gotten the “call” the Big Yahoo goes out to Kevin Harvick and the whole Goodwrench team who has bounced back from the greatest adversity and strived to finish a painful year in a glorious way. Got get ‘em Kevin!

Next week we’re off to New Hampshire. Rumor has it that Kyle is thinking of sitting out. Shame! Maybe he would’ve got the call. So I say we give the “call” to Jason Leffler in the #01 (formerly the Kenny Irwin, Jr. ride). That would be nice. I’ll be posting the Pontiac and Chevrolet Notes & Quotes like back at Rivals. Still working on Ford & Dodge. Look for the link on the home page.
Now for a second I’ll get serious. To all those “conspiracists”, “fix”-ers or other “fantasists”… why don’t you take your next pay check (or welfare check) and buy yourself a life. If you believe any of that stuff it should be relatively cheap to get you a life.

Keep The Shiny Side Up!

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