The Top 10 Reasons it Took Dale Earnhardt Twenty Years to Win the Daytona 500

(from "The Late Show with David Letterman" February 16th, 1998 as read by the man himself, Dale Earnhardt)

10. It took me 19 years to realize I had the emergency brake on.

9. Finally rotated and balanced my mustache.

8. Quit training with the Canadian snowboarding team.

7.Stopped letting my 300-pound cousin Ricky ride shotgun.

6. New strategy: pretend I'm Dave driving home on the Merritt Parkway.

5. Who cares that it took me 20 years -- at least my name isn't Dick Trickle.

4. Just figured out that if you mash the gas pedal all the way down, the car takes off like a son-of-a-bitch.

3. My new pit crew -- The Spice Girls.

2. This year whenever I passed somebody I gave them the finger.

1. My secret to success: one can of motor oil in my engine, one can of motor oil in my pants!