Subject: Montana
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners
and Californians cross states such as Montana, Idaho, or Wyoming, those
states' Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to
help outsiders understand the rural westerner's mindset, the following
list will be handed to each person as they enter the state of Montana:
1. That slope-shouldered ranch boy did more work before breakfast than
you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because
I need it. Drive it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get
you whipped...by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
Bull Trout breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for...bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up
to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for
what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass
with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice cubes.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed.
We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a
year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks--because they want to. So,
you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp too--and turtle. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't
like it? Interstate 90 goes two ways--US HWY 93 goes the other two.
Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a
religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot...his name is "Sir"...no matter how old he is.
Now, enjoy your visit.
(
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