Dumb Attorney Q&A Lawyer Jokes
Ben Dover & C. Howett Fields
Attorneys at Law		 Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
Attorneys at Law
Dumb Attorney Q&A
The following questions from lawyers were taken
from official court records nationwide:
-- Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

-- Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

-- What happened then?
He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Did he kill you?

-- Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

-- The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

-- Were you alone or by yourself?

-- How long have you been a French Canadian?

-- Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

-- I show you Exhibit 3 and ask if you recognize that picture.
That's me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?

-- Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

-- Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?

-- You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

-- Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8.
Yes.
What were you doing at the time?

-- Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
I used to be.
How many times have you committed suicide?

-- She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?

-- You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?

-- Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.

-- A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

-- Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

-- So the lawyer is cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.
No, I did not check his pulse.
And did you listen for a heartbeat?
No, I did not.
So, when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.
Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere.

To Top
L a w y e r      J O K E S
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
    Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    Professional courtesy.
What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
    How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    Cut the rope.
Do you know how do you save a drowning lawyer?
No?   Good!
    What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of barf?
    The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
    What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
    There was an empty seat.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his butt.
    What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    An offer you can't understand.
Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
    Where can you find a good lawyer?
    In the cemetary.

Why to lawyers wear neckties?
To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
    If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why do you swerve miss him?
    It might be your bicycle.
Why will a tombstone never say, "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer?
They never bury two people in the same grave.

What is the difference between:
  A lawyer and a rooster?
  A rooster clucks defiance.
A lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
  A lawyer and a gigolo?
  A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill.  Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
alligator."

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4.  Let me run
    those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
    voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.  "Doctor," she asks nervously,
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.  To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.  To his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line
to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.  Then St. Peter and one
of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the
front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.  The lawyer
said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to
donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice. "Only a shilling to 
bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

    "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a
man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
    "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.  When Satan heard this, he laughed and said,
"And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Early one morning a lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out for
walk in the woods where they encountered two huge bears - a male and a
female.
  Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
  The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he
could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
shotgun and dashed back to woods with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two
bears were still there.
  "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend.
  The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
  "Whatdja' do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
  "Exactly," replied the sheriff, ""and would YOU believe a lawyer
who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy
with his accommodations.  He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his
only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately
advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be
waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The
attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his
words fell on deaf ears. The attorney was then approached by the devil,
who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in
a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When
the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell,
he was told, "We have all of the judges."

Two lawyers are stranded on a deserted island, nothing around them
for miles and miles but water. They've been stranded here for quite some
time, so they've gotten quite bored with one another. One of the lawyers
tells the other he's going to climb to the top of the tree (the only
thing on the island) to see if he can possibly see a rescue team coming.
The other lawyer tells him he's crazy and that he's just wasting his
time and won't see anything. But the lawyer proceeds to climb to the top
of the tree anyway. He's up there only a short time when the lawyer
down on the ground hears him say "Wow! I can't believe my eyes!
I don't believe this is true!"

So the lawyer on the ground says "What do you see? I think you're
hallucinating and you should come down right now." So the lawyer
reluctantly climbs down the tree and proceeds to tell his friend that he
saw a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer starts to laugh, thinking his friend has surely lost
his mind. But within a few minutes, up floats a naked blonde woman,
face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers go over to where she is, and one says to the other
"Well, you know it's been a long time... do you think we should screw her?"

The other lawyer responds "Out of what?"

A lawyer and a doctor are walking in the woods when a BIG bear
starts to chase them.  The lawyer stops to take off his shoes and socks.

The doctor says, "Give up! You're never gonna outrun that bear!"
The lawyer replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just
have to outrun YOU."


How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front
(north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any
spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.

    The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:

    1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise 
direction,this point being non-negotiable.

   2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all
applicable state, local and federal statutes.

   3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the
party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").  This installation shall occur 
in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step 
one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

   NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of
the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."