A WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN

1. Call
2. Don't lie
3. Never tape any of her body parts together
4. If Guys' Night Out is going to be fun, invite the girls
5. If Guys' Night Out involves strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "YES"
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good, Fredricks Of Hollywood is bad
9. Ordering for her is good, telling her what she wants is bad
10. Being attentive is good, stalking is bad
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good, "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good, shouting is bad, and slapping is a felony
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any questions
14. None of your ex's were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed
15. Her cooking is excellent
16. That is not an excuse for you to avoid cooking
17. Dish soap is your friend
18. Hat doesn't equal shower, aftershave doesn't equal soap, and warm doesn't equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Who's lipstick is this?"
22. Two Words: "Clean Socks"
23. Believe it or not, you're not more attractive when you're drunk
24. Burping is not sexy
25. You're wrong
26, You're sorry
27. She is less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is
28. Ditto for your discourse on football
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound
30. "Will you marry me?" is good, "Wanna shack up?" is bad
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood
32. Don't assume PMS does not exists
33. No means no, yes means yes, and silence can mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and can change without notice
34. "But we kiss..." Is not justification for using her toothbrush.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11:00 pm
36. Chivalry and femenism are NOT mutually exclusive
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it
38. If you want to break up, break up. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often!
41. Always, always suck up to her brother
42. Think boxers
43. Silk boxers
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses
46. Her haircut is never bad
47. Don't let your friends pick on her
48. Call
49. Don't lie
(note the above two were mentioned not once, but twice)
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question.

A MAN'S 50 RULES FOR WOMEN:

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the lid on the toilet seat UP when you're done
2. When cooking a special meal for your man, be sure to include something from the 4 major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall
4. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving of your contempt
5. Shopping is not fascinating
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking
7. Unless the answer is yes
8. In which case can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes
10. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous looking felon from across the room is not funny
12. Money does noty equate to love. Even in Nevada
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (I.E. microwaving a burrito) should be met with roughly the same amount of praise a parent might shower upon their infant after the first time is takes two steps
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it
15. He heard you the first time
16. You know, YOU can ask him out too. Lets spread the rejection
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer
19. The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot
20. Dogs good, cats bad
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is NOT funny
22. If he has to sit through "Legends Of The Fall", You have to sit through "Showgirls"
23. "FINE!" is not an acceptable way to end an argument
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop and ask for directions
25. He was not looking at that other girl
26. Well, okay... Maybe a little
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Like you never looked at another guy
28. He is the funniest, strongest, best looking, most successful man you have ever met
29. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones
30. Your (select the appropriate one) butt/boobs/hair/make-up/legs look just fine. As a matter of fact, they look damn good. Stop asking about them
31. If you want a satifying sex life, NEVER fake an orgasm
32. It is not necessary to discuss your menstrual flow with him
33. Remember: The Nair bottle looks a lot like shampoo in the shower
34. Two words: "Blow Job" Learn it, live it, love it
35. Dirty laundry comes in different categories: Looks fine/smells fine, looks fine/smells bad, looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try disrupt piles organized in this manner
36. Yes, Sharon Stone, Pamela Anderson, and Cindy Crawford are prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt, Antonio Banderas, and Keanu Reeves are better looking than him. But since niether of you are going to be dating any of them, love the one you're with
37. Of course size matters, and he has the grandaddy of them all
38. His (choice the appropriate one) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute
39. Don't hog the covers
40. Watching football is really a major turn-on for you, but please wait uintil the halftime break to act upon that...
41. He does not "just want to be friends"
42. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence, "Why don't we skip the expensive dinner and just stay here having freaky circus-sex all night?"
42. Just because this list is shorter than yours doesn't mean it's worse. SO GET OFF MY BACK!

Back