Tormenting Telmarketers - A Game You Can Play at Home!

Everyone has gotten a call from a Telemarketer, the new Scourge of the Telephone System. Previously when the phone rang, you wondered if it was someone you knew, or another schmuck with something to sell. Well, the time has come to turn the tables. We need to take control of our own phones. We need to take the "market" out of Telemarketing.

Premise: Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales. If you talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you are selling.

Counter-Tactic: Waste as much of their time as you can. For each minute that you waste means several potential customers that will not be reached. Make Telemarketing unprofitable.

Hanging up only increases the chances for them to make a sale. Don't let this happen!

Hints: Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage who reads a script. Let them finish. It's easy points, and you were watching Star Trek and weren't using your phone anyway. It's easy to keep them interested using "attentive grunting", similar to when your mother calls.

Scoring: Basic Point System: For each minute spent on the phone 10 pts. Getting transfered to someone who makes more than minimum wage 15 pts For each minute spent on the phone with person making more than minimum wage 25 pts Bonus Points: Getting them to repeat part of the "script" 5 pts/each Getting answers to stupid questions 15 pts/each Changing the subject 50 pts/each Making the sales person angry 175 pts Getting them to hang up on you 500 pts Making the sales person use profanity 750 pts Get their boss on the phone, to complain that the salesman used profanity 1500 pts Getting their 1-800- number 10 pts Posting their 1-800- number to alt.sex as a free "Phone Sex" line 50 pts Checking the number a week later and it is busy or disconnected 5000 pts

Example:

Me: Yes?

Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning and we're in your area [...]

[start clock] [...] to know if you are interested?

Me: Sure.

Them: Well, we are currently offering [...]

[...] depending on the size of the rooms.

Me: Well, how much for the whole house?

[15 bonus pts!] Them: Let me transfer you to Mr. Dealclincher.

Me: Okay

[25 pts/min!] Them: [new voice] Sir?

Me: Yes?

Them: How large is your house?

Me: Oh, about 2,000 sq. ft.

Them: [...] Well, that would be about $xxx

[stupid ?] Me: Gee. It won't hurt the floor, will it?

Them: Oh, no! We use a patented process [...]

[this usually takes some time!]

[...] and is completely safe.

[stupid ?] Me: Even with my pets?

Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]

Me: Do you have to pre-treat, with the pets?

Them: Yes, and we do that with [...] >[repeat!] Me: But you said it would cost $xyx, [note small misquote of price] does that include treating for pets?

Them: [...]

[new subject] Me: Well, it is kindof dirty. The guys were over for the game. Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?

Them: Yes.

Me: What a game! That last touchdown pass!

Wasn't that a great play? And ...

Them: Yes, well, back to your house, sir.

Me: Oh yes, what about moving the furniture?

Them: [...]

[new subject] Me: Do you clean furniture, too? The guys spilled some beer. Have you smelled old beer on furniture before? Phew! But what a game! I couldn't believe they couldn't move the ball in the second quarter... [...]

[angry???] Them: Ahem... Would you like us to come out?

Me: Well, when could you come out?

Them: How about next week?

Me: Hmmm... Morning or afternoon?

Them: Either would be fine.

Me: Do you have anything the week after?

Them: Sure, can I put you down for Tuesday?

[Okay, now let's try for those last big bonus points:]

Me: Wait, I just remembered I have all hardwood floors! Neeever mind.

[Yes! 750 pts!] Them: Dammit!

[Yes! 500 pts!] [Of course, your mileage will vary, but this phone call should net a neat 1700-1800 points (and keep 2.7 other people from having their contemplation of the tube interrupted). As a Seattlite (No, not like Sputnik), I am required by law to point out that the PC (political correctitude) rating of this counter-tactic has not yet been ascertained; so use at your own risk -psl]