Mallrats
Transcript
[ Man ] one time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass.
True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco
wound up on the news.
It was embarrassing for my relatives and all, but the next week,
he did it again.
Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the
emergency room.
So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying
another cat.
And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt !
You know you're gonna get this cat stuck in your ass too. Why
don't you knock it off ?"
And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get
the gerbil out ?"
My cousin was a weird guy.
Whoa, whoa-oh-oh
- [ Tires skidding ] - [ car door opening ]
[ Humming ] Brandi Svening, come on down. I'm takin' your ass to
Florida.
Let's go, let's go. Where's your luggage ? The plane leaves in an
hour.
[ Sighs ] T.S., Did you see Julie Dwyer last night ?
[ Groans ] yeah, yeah, I saw her at the video store.
She was talking about being on your dad's stupid game show. He's
not here, is he ?
Yeah, he's inside. T.S.
Did you tell her every time you're on TV you look ten pounds
heavier ?
[ Chuckles uneasily ] uh, well, yeah.
I told her that the way TV shows are shot sometimes make you look
a lot fatter than you are.
Why, what'd she do ? Call up and cancel ?
No, not exactly.
T.S., You know Julie had a huge weight problem in school. She had
the fattest ass.
When you said that to her, she went straight up to the Y.M.C.A.
And started doing laps...
Because she wanted to be fit for the show tonight,
And... Well...
In the middle of her 700th lap,
This embolism popped in her brain...
And she dropped dead, right in mid-backstroke.
She's fucking dead ?
Then her sister told her parents why she was doing all the laps,
And it got back to my father, and, and--
Shit, T.S., He's really pissed at you.
I mean, it's awful about Julie's death, and...
Now he doesn't even have a female contestant for his show.
Can't you calm him down ? I've done that.
Thank god ! How ? I told him I'd do the show.
Good. What ?
Oh, wait a minute. No, no, no. W-w-we're leaving for Florida.
T.S., I can't go. I've gotta stay here. No, no, no, no.
I've got something planned for Florida. No, we gotta go.
T.S., I'm doing this to get you out of trouble with my father.
Help him out of a bind.
Which, you know, you kind of-- well, at least a little responsible
for.
I bet he's happy as a pig in shit you're not going away with me.
Are you kidding ? He's absolutely devastated about Julie.
[ Panting,
Sighs ]
[ Karate shouts ]
I can't believe you ! Brandi, the guy hates me ! I bet he sees
this tragedy as an excellent opportunity to keep you from going
away with me.
Would you calm down ? I mean, you're being a complete ass.
[ Shouting ]
Sometimes I almost forget that you're such a daddy's girl. It
makes me sick.
Oh.
Well, you know what I think's sick ? This relationship.
Brandi, come on. I thought we weren't going through this
makeup/breakup shit anymore.
Yeah, well, you can just forget about making up.
You know, you are exactly like my father.
It's always about what you need, what you've got planned.
"Screw everybody else.
My shit is more important."
You're as thoughtless and self-absorbed as he is.
In fact, the two of you have so much in common, I think you should
date each other !
Brandi--
Brandi, wait !
[ Groans ]
[ Rock ]
Sweet fucking Christ ! Would you knock it off ! God.
What ?
[ Sighs ]
What time is it ? 9:30.
Man, go back to sleep.
[ Sighs ]
Christ.
[ Game audience cheering ]
What the hell are you doing ? Finishing my game.
No, no, no. You promised me breakfast. Breakfast ?
Breakfast, schmrekfest. Look at the score.
I'm only in the middle
Of the second
And I'm winning 12 to 2.
Breakfasts come and go, Rene.
Now, Hartford, the whale ?
Hey, they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
Ya hit the bathroom already ?
Don't worry, I didn't let your mother see me.
Who's worried ? Are you kidding me ?
I've never met a person who lives in as much fear of his mother as
you do.
I do not.
That's why I have to sneak in here after every one's asleep and
sneak out in the morning ?
You want I should tell my mother what we do in here at night ?
That you play video games and I fall asleep unfulfilled ?
Go ahead. It beats this sneaking-around shit.
What can I say ? She doesn't like you. You've never introduced me.
Yeah, 'cause you're always
In the goddamn bathroom.
What do you do in there ?
You really wanna know ? I asked, didn't I ?
I'm playing the role of the concerned guy.
I cry.
You cry ? I cry.
Any particular reason ?
[ Banging ] hey !
I think about people that make decisions that affect our lives.
The doctors who make advancements in curing diseases.
The engineer that designs skyscrapers.
- The guy that maps out
A plane's flight path. - The navigator.
I think about how those people are out there everyday,
Making a difference, leading big lives,
And how they refuse to be intimidated by the tremendous odds of
failure they face;
How they only concern themselves with peers and company that apply
to their goals...
And noble causes. Jesus, I'd hate to tell you what I think about
in the bathroom.
I think about all that, and I cry.
Because I have nothing better to do than fuck you.
[ Rock continues ]
Seventeen, seventeen
Seventeen years old
This can't be happening
Seventeen, seventeen
You're dumping me ?
Is this because I didn't introduce you to my mother ?
La, la, la, la
La, la, la
La, la, la, la
La, la, la
La, la, la, la
La, la, la
You're a fickle broad, man.
Ah !
Holy shit. If it isn't mon frere.
The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
You're such an anal retentive bastard.
I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but,
oh, no,
You wanted to play little league instead.
What's that ? Like it ? I framed it before you got here.
Oh, my god ! Rene dumped you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for sega.
Wow, look at this laundry list of complaints.
"You have no direction;
No college ambition;
No job prospect."
It also says I have no dick, but you'll notice that follows the
financial question,
Proving once more what women really look for.
- She calls you callow. - You say that like it's bad.
Well, it means "frightened and weak-willed."
Really ?
Shit. That was th letter I thought was complimentary.
Ah, well, you're lucky.
Unlike you, I didn't even get a letter with obscure adjectives.
What are you telling me here ?
I, too, now am in the framing business.
Holy shit. Brandi dumped you ? Yeah.
Aren't you two supposed to go to florida ? We should've left this
morning.
Oh, it gets worse. I was gonna propose to her.
Tour.
You're kidding ! What part ?
When jaws pops out of the water.
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Well, too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
Let me ask you something. Did you ever fart in front of her ?
[ Laughs ] why do you ask ?
I never farted in front of rene, not once.
Then last week, I let one slip. Today, she dumps me.
You think that that's why rene dumped you ?
Come on, she's not the shallow type.
She was going down on me at the time. Shut up !
What can I say ? I was feeling very relaxed.
I'm relaxed... I squirt. Ohh !
If all she du got off light. I can't believe this shit.
Why are we trying to figure out where we went wrong
We nailed it, in your case.
There is something out there that can help ease our simultaneous
double loss.
Ritual suicide ? No, you idiot ! The fuckin' mall !
I prefer ritual suicide.Come on, it'll be great.
Hese new cookies at the cookie stand. They're awesome.
Blowing
I love thommerce in the m wow, you'rng that last. Waste not, want
not.
A say something ? Yeah, about a million things.
Express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand 'em
all.
Fuck you. What was that all about ?
From th shop on the second floor, he's the manager. The guy's
always giving me shit. I have no idea why.
Thought everybody loved you at this mall. "F" him.
> Where do you wanna go first ? .
Brandi is the past, my friend. She's behind you now.
You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.
You should learn to heed your own advice. Where did that come from
?
What's going on here ? Looks like a stage is being erected.
What is this monstrosity ? Maybe it's for the easter bunny
pictures.
Impossible ! The easter bunny corner is down at the other end of
the mall.
It's been up since two days after christmas. I want answers !
Ask one of the workers. No. There's a soul who might know what's
up.
Willam ?
Willam !
[ Gasps ] booby-trapped !
On ?You work here now ?
No, man, just hanging with -[ T.S. ] Willam,
What exactly are you doing ? -Looking for the hidden picture.
If you stare long enough, you're supposed to see some hidden,
Three-dimensional picture.
Oh, yeah, look, it's a sailboat. You saw it too ? Damn it !
What ? I've been staring at this thing for a week now,
And I can't see a goddamn thing ! You gotta relax your eyes.
Everyone sees this thing except me. Today's my day. I brought a
lunch and a soda.
I'm not gonna leave until I see this sailboat everyone keeps
talking about.
So, willam, would you happen to know...
What this stage business is all about ?
It's not a stage ! I'm gonna see it if I have to go blind trying.
No, man, this stage over here.
Oh, that thing. Some game show in the mall today. I think it's
gonna be on tv.
It's called truth or date or something.
Oh, my god ! That's brandi's father's game show. What is it ?
It's this cheesy dating game rip-off thing. It's supposed to be
for college kids.
Trying to capture the 90s youth market with a staple of 70s
television.
Why can't they bring back or remake good shows like B.J. And the
bear ?
Now, there's a concept I can't get enough of; a man and his
monkey.
Would you guys shut up ? You're breaking my concentration.
Sorry, willam. Now I have to start all over again.
Good luck with that thing. Yeah, man, remember, relax your eyes.
Wow, a sailboat. Shut up !
[ Sighs ] could this week get any worse ?
Now she's gonna be auctioned off on live tv from a mall. Not a
mall. The mall.
Show some respect. But it doesn't have to go down like that if we
trash the thing.
There's a unique way of getting back in her good graces-- ruining
her father's show.
I can get somebody to we'll be blame-free and brandi won't be able
to do the show.
Who is this imaginary hatchet man ? Hatchet men.
Knock it off. Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Hey, jay ! Brodie, man. Noochie-noochies.
And look at this shit. The mad, fat chick killer.
Can't believe how fast word travels in this town. What's he doing
?
Shithead here watched empire and jedi and he's been trying to do
the jedi mind trick.
Crazy fuck thinks he'll levitate shit with his thoughts. Knock it
off !
The force is strong with this one. Don't encourage him.
Gotta find jayand silent bob.
If there's any one that can help us out, it's the two guys who
have even less to do than us.
What is this shit ? Everyone's looking for us today.
We're duckin' tricia 'cause she wants to talk to obi-wan about her
video setup.
Why him ? Silent bob's an electrical genius.
He won the science fair in eighth grade...
By turning his mom's vibrator into a cd player using chicken wire
and shit.
Motherfucker's like macgyver-- no, mother fucker's better than
macgyver ! Knock I we need, right, mopey ?Leave me out o embark on
a little sabota behalf of T.S.'S love life.
[ Mumbling ]
Stage dive.
You know about this game show they got goin' on here ?
We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.
Is that it ? We were gonna do that anyway. Why ?
What else we gonna do ? Silent bob stole the schematic of the
stage...
From some foolish carpenter and found a weakness, just like the
fuckin' death star.
He figures you pull this crossbeam out-- bickety-bam ! The whole
stage comes down.
We were thinkin' about somethin' simple, but if you wanna destroy
the stage, we're all for that.
Only problem is lafours. Who's lafours ?
You don't know lafours ? They don't know who lafours is.
Lafours is only the most
The business.
Four hundred and sixty collars, all convicted. I hear he's even
got two kills.
Holy shit. I never thought I'd see the day when two such reputable
mischief makers...
Douse their drawers at the sight of a mall security guard.
Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust that stage like a high school
kegger.
We're just gonna outwit lafours, x-men style.
Should I call you "Logan," Weapon X? No, "Wolverine !"
Snicktey-snicktey-snoime !
He's imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium
claws.
I never would've guessed. You have your mission. Go forth, wreak
havoc.
Bye, baby kitties. Damn, silent bob, show some heart.
[ Whistling ] that's better. We're on the job.
Thanks.
I have to admit I'm shocked you didn't try to dissuade them.
[ Chuckles ] I would if I thought they could pull it off.
Oh, ye of little faith. Want a cookie ?
What's he doing ?
If you stare at this poster for a few seconds, a hidden picture
appears.
[ Together ] can we do it, please, please ?
[ Mother ] all right, go ahead. But hurry, the easter bunny's
waiting.
Wow, it's a schooner.
[ Chuckles ] you dumb bastard.
It's not a schooner;
It's a sailboat.
A schooner is a sailboat, stupid-head.
You know what ? There is no easter bunny !
Over there, that's just a guy in a suit !
But they're engaged. Doesn't matter, it can't happen.
Why not ? It's bound to come up. It's impossible.
Lois could never have superman's baby.
Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm ?
I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back.
What about her womb ? You think it's strong enough to carry his
child ?
Sure. Why not ? He's an alien, for christ's sake !
His kryptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow
sun.
If lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach.
Only someone like wonder woman has a strong-enough uterus to carry
his kid.
Only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom,
but that would kill him.
How is it I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with brandi...
To man of steel coital debates with you in the food court ?
Cookie stand is not part of the food court. Of course it is.
The food court is downstairs;
The cookie stand is upstairs.
We're not talking quantum physics here.
The cookie stand counts as an eatery; the eatery's part of the
food court.
Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the square downstairs
qualify as food court.
Anything outside of said designated square...
Is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking.
If you're gonna wax intellectual about the subject-- holy shit !
Wait here. Where you going ?
[ Sighs ]
Chercher la femme.
That would look terrible on you. Didn't I dump your ass this
morning ?
Look, I know you've had some time to think about the mistake
you've made,
And I just wanna let you know you don't have to apologize.
I'm sure you were just P.M.S.Ing. What kills me about you...
Is your inability to function on the same plane of existence as
the rest of us.
Piss off.
Okay, okay, I see you wanna continue with this charade of ending
our union.
Fine, I'll play along. If we're divorced, we're gonna have to
divide our possessions.
What the hell are you talking about ?
Punisher war journal number six, my copy of fletch, and the remote
to my tv.
It's gonna be hard to give this stuff up because of its
sentimental attachment--
Sentimental attachment ? If I have that crap, it's 'cause you
brought it over and left it.
- Let's talk about a schedule
For visitation rights ? - For what ?
For the mall. You can have the odd days, I'll take the even days
and weekends.
When there's any special function like a sidewalk sale-- brodie.
Brodie !
I have always taken you with a grain of salt.
Your birthday, when you asked me to do a striptease to the theme
from mighty mouse, I said okay.
On prom night, you asked me to sleep under the bed in case your
mother burst in, I did.
And even when we were at my grandmother's funeral and you told my
relatives...
That you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let it
slide.
Q but if you think I'm gonna suffer any more of your shit with a
smile,
You're in for some serious fucking disappointment.
What ?
[ Jay ] phase one. You take a run at lafours with a sock full of
quarters.
I'd do it, but I pulled my back out humping your mom last night.
You clock him on his headpiece and knock his ass out cold.
At's when phase two kicks in. I attack the structure, wolvie-
berserk style,
Knock out the fuckin' pin, and bickety-bam-- the motherfucker's
rubble.
Hence, no game show.
[ Coins jingling ]
Ah, fuck !
[ T.S. ] You know that kid ?
I hope his pants get caught and a bloodbath ensues. What is with
you today ?
I don't wish the kid harm, but his mother should suffer that
horrific ordeal...
So she'll learn how to manage her child ! Sort of a harsh lesson.
Man, there's not a year goes by...
That I don't read about some escalator accident involving some
bastard kid...
That could've been easily avoided had some parent-- I don't care
which one--
But some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator
!
Wow, look who it is.
Jerk. Little tricia jones.
What's a pretty girl like you doing alone in the middle of this
monument to consumerism ?
Updating my calendar and waiting for jay and silent bob.
And I suppose you're here with no agenda, as per usual.
On the contrary, I'm here for comics. T.S. Quint, tricia jones.
They call her trish the dish. Nobody calls me that.
Our little tricia here is only 15, but somehow she's a senior.
How'd you manage that ?
[ Slurping ]
Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off. Yeah, right.
So, what do you say ? You wanna nail T.S. Or what ? Jesus, brodie
!
Calm down. Tricia's compiling data for this book she's writing
about the sex drive of men,
Ages 14 to 30.
If I remember correctly, it's titled bore-gasm: Study of the
nineties' male sexual prowess.
Ready to get sick ? Tell him about the advance you got.
Pendant publishing gave me $20,000 based on a treatment and a
sample chapter.
You're kidding.
[ Brodie ] she'll be the youngest author to tackle the subject.
Tricia here sleeps with a bunch of guys as research.
- And if that's not enough,
She videotapes all of them. - What ?
I get everybody's consent before we do it.
Most guys get off on it. Men are easily amused.
Wh-what are you writing in the calendar ?
- I was coding
Last night's research. - She means sex.
I know what she meant ! What kind of codes ?
Here, look. The smiley face is for when I go down on a guy.
The smiley face with lashes is for when the guy goes down on me.
The circle is when we have sex. The circle with the "x" is for
when I have an orgasm.
The little house is when we do it inside, and the grass is for
outside.
That kid is back on the escalator again !
How old was last night's subject, if you don't mind ?
Twenty-five. It was the guy who runs that store fashionable male.
- Holy shit !
You slept with that asshole ? - I needed a 25-year-old.
- And he has quite a distaste
For you, I might add. - He mentioned me during sex ?
Afterwards. He says he wants to kick your ass. I'd steer clear of
him if I were you.
Tell me you videotaped him saying that. No.
I shut the camera off after the sex. You should've heard the stuff
he wanted to do.
I'm having a hard time with this. Do your parents know about this
?
Of course. It's remarkable.
That's criminal. That kid-- that kid is back on the escalator
again !
Would you leave it alone ? What ?
I heard you were going to propose to brandi Svening in some theme
park.
When are men going to learn women want romance,
Not mr. Toad's wild ride ?
Be fair, all right ?
Everyone wants
Mr. Toad's wild ride.
We gotta go.
[ Sighs ]
And remember my offer. I'm young, virile, sensitive to a woman's
needs.
Somehow I doubt it, sega boy. Good luck with the comic book store.
Sega boy.
God, rene's got a big mouth. What does that mean, "good luck with
the comic book store ?"
How does that junior masters and johnson know about my proposal ?
It's not like she's in an exclusive club. What are you talking
about ?
Sean hartle's giving everyone the inside scoop. What's he saying ?
How her father made her do the game show so you couldn't take her
to florida.
Now what the hell is this shit ?
What do you gotta do to get
Comics around this place ?
One side, red !
Hey, what the hell's going on here ? I was warned about you.
Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall. What are you
talking about ?
Tell him, steve dave ! Fuck you, fan-boy !
You two testosterone-seething, he-man comic book fans finish up
with this.
I got some questions that need answering. Who's in there ?
You gotta ask me nicely.
[ Blowing whistle ] fuck you !
Brodie, get the hell off. Come on !
You fuckers think that 'cause a guy reads comics, he can't start
some shit !
I'll fuckin' take all you on !
[ Girl screams ]
[ Man ] somebody get a medic ! There's a little boy caught in the
escalator !
Come back here and arrest this goon ! You're fucking next !
I'm not going anywhere until I find out why I can't get my comics.
All right.
Excuse me ? Don't hit me.
Why is there a line ? Stan lee's signing comics.
Stan lee ?
[ Jay ] okay, lunch box, let's try this again.
We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a spitfire
passing over lafours.
You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin.
When that's gone, the stage is trashed, and we go smoke a bowl.
You got it ?
Now, get your fat ass up there. And, dude, don't forget your
helmet. Snoogins.
Fly, fatass, fly !
What the fuck !
You fucker !
[ Woman ] security ? This is popular girl. We had something crash
through the wall.
How does something as big as the creator of the most important
titles in comics history...
Coming to my mall get by me ?
I must be slipping in my old age. The name amongst names.
God, there's a million questions I'd love to ask him. Her father.
I knew this game show was just a beard for an attempt at breaking
us up.
Why can't he leave us alone and let us follow through with our
plans ?
What kind of man are you anyway ?
I'm talkin' comics, and you ing up chicks and romance.
While we're on the subject, why get married now anyway ? You're in
college.
I was just gonna propose. The wedding wouldn't be 'til after we
graduate.
Waste of time. My grandmother always said, "why buy the cow when
you get the sex for free ?"
She did ? All the time.
Of course she became a lesbian on her 60th birthday, but that's
beside the point.
Where the hell are these two going in such a hurry ?
Is he gone ? Halfway to buy me toys by now.
Damn, that bastard's faster than walt flanagan's dog.
What's with all the running ?
[ T.S. ] What the hell happened to him ?
The human brown-eye here is a walking calamity.
We gotta take a pass on stage trashing business, otherwise he's
liable to kill himself.
- Sorry, bro. - No hard feelings.
Isn't that rene ?
[ Brodie ] oh, yeah. She's probably looking for me. I better go
talk to her.
I don't know.
She's with somebody.
Wait a minute. Isn't--
[ Brodie ] the asshole from fashionable male ! Son of a bitch !
You think that they're-- could be. It'll explain why he hates me
so much.
There's one way to find out. Can you run interference with the lug
?
What are you gonna do ? Get some answers.
You work at the fashionable male, don't you ?
Yeah. So ?
Uh, that's a great store you got there.
Thanks. Listen, I'm trying to spend my lunch hour with my lady
friend.
So, why don't you beat it ?
Oh, that's your girlfriend right there ?
[ Clicks tongue ]
If you don't stop gawking at me and get the hell outta here, I'm
gonna kick your ass.
-Haven't you heard the phrase,
"The customer's always right ?" -[ Elevator bell dings ]
Let me tell you something. The customer's always an asshole !
Jesus christ ! What the hell gives with the cover boy ?
None of your business, but he'll kick your ass if he knows what
you pulled.
Are you insane ? The guy looks like a date rapist. Is that my
jacket ?
Start the elevator. Not until you tell me the situation...
With you and the sperminator !
How long's this been going on ? Since I mustered the good sense to
send you packing.
He's a much more suitable companion than you any day. Are you nuts
?
The guy's pure testosterone. He's a walking hard-on looking for a
hole.
I'm need testosterone after baby-sitting you. I forgot what real
men were like.
I can't believe you have the nerve to come to my mall and pick up
guys !
Oh, no. Shannon did the picking up. He's already taken me to lunch
at the cheese haus,
Purchased tickets for the opera tonight, and brought me to stores
I wanna shop in !
I took you shopping all the time !
You took me where
You went shopping !
You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the
latest godzilla bootlegs ?
Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night
eating out ?
Do I give a shit what two comic labels are crossing over
characters,
Selling two editions of the book in varied-ink chromium covers ?
I'm a girl, damn it ! I wanna do girly things !
Like fix up someone's hair and get phone calls expressing romantic
sentiments !
I call you all the time ! "My mom's asleep. Come over." You call
that romantic ?
When was the last time you pulled out my chair, or told me I was
beautiful ?
And this guy does all this in a day ?
- This guy already introduced me
To his mother. - Really ?
He was at work by 9:00 This morning, unlike my ex-boyfriend who
would sleep until 1:00...
Because all he did was play sega all night long, which has an
enormous effect on your libido.
Now you attack my libido ? There's no libido to attack.
"No libido to attack" ?
You sure you saw her get on, right ? Maybe she was getting off.
Why do you build me up
Why do ya, baby
Just to let me down
Mess me around
Yeah, worst of all
You never call, baby
When you say you will
Ow ! Oh, sorry.
It's all right.
[ Humming ]
There, that was romantic, right ?
[ Humming continues ]
Passionate, yeah. No, brodie, that was too little, too late.
Too little ? You said it was a good size !
The effort, you retard. The effort was too little, too late.
But now that you mention it, when a girl says it's a good size,
It's a nice way of saying
It's small. Hey !
Hey ! Oh, my. I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch !
No, no, forget about him. He wanted to give me something he forgot
to give me long ago.
He's harmless now, okay ?
Fine. I gotta get back to the store. Let's go.
[ Both panting ]
Right there in the elevator ? I don't know what came over me.
She challenged my libido. I felt obligated to defend myself
against her accusations.
Oh. It's not like you still wanted her or anything. Not in the
least. I'm over her.
Holy shit. You really love that girl. Yeah, right.
I never noticed it before, but she really fuels your engine.
There's this new glow about you. I don't have a glow.
You're glowing. If I have any glow, it's because I just got laid.
I'd look the same if I banged anyone in that elevator, present
company excluded.
Deny it all you want. You're too proud to admit you want her back.
I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.
What is your problem ? I don't understand-- ow !
- Oh, gwen, I'm sorry. - You fucker !
[ Groaning, choking ]
[ Groans ]
See ? That's what you get for fuckin' with me.
Hey, gwen, he didn't really mean to hit you.
He's got a funny way of showing it by elbowing me in my freaking
tit.
Why the hell are you glowing ? I'm not glowing.
[ Groaning ] brandi dumped him.
[ Groaning ] would you stop saying that ? I heard.
You heard ? How ? She told me. I ran into her a few minutes ago.
Where ? By the stage.
[ Sighing ] do you want me to rub it ?
Work with me, people ! Would you, please ?
No, no, I want this more towards the front.
The rug keeps popping up. If I put the podium there, it'll stay
down.
[ Both arguing ]
Give me the podium !
You put the podium down over here.
Like this. And you stamp the carpet down with your feet.
You speak english ? Like this. Huh ?
[ Groans ] mr. Svening. Let me help you up.
Get off ! Move !
All right, where's brandi ? Let go of me !
Where's brandi ?
[ Groans ]
You're fired. You get the hell outta here.
Get off my set !
[ Sighs ]
Where is she ? You are out of her life.
Now, you stay out of her business and mine. Understand me ?
People, are we working here ? Get the backdrop ready. Those lights
ready to go ?
Excuse me. You go on the other side.
You put the podium over the bad spot in the carpet.
Uh-huh. Go, please, now.
So you made her dump me and now you're gonna auction her off to
further your own career ?
Not that it's any of your concern, but brandi agreed to be on
truth or date.
After the shit you pulled last night, she's looking forward to it.
It'll give her a chance to find herself a decent guy.
Somebody with a brain. So you admit it. You are behind our break-
up.
Admit it ? Hell, I'm as proud of it as I am this game show here.
T.S., Listen to me.
It's over between you two.
The sooner you get that, the better off we're all gonna be.
Understand me ? You don't.
[ Sighs ] guard, come here. Get this guy off my set.
If he gives you any shit, you have my permission to castrate him.
[ T.S. ] You can't do this ! I just did.
Get me lafours. Right away, sir.
Well, go on !
How 'bout these ? Very sexy.
That sounds convincing. I'm preoccupied.
T.S., She told you. She's doing it as a favor to her father.
Regardless-- it's not like she'll fuck the guy on public access.
She might as well. You're overreacting again.
You know, that's why your relationships fail. It's certainly why
ours did.
You got bent out of shape the same way over that costume party in
high school.
You fucked rick deras on a pool table with everyone watching.
It was a costume party, T.S. No one could tell it was me.
Besides, who else but you remembers shit like that ?
I would've been a sexy chick. Brodie, you remember that costume
party ?
Might that have been the one where you banged rick deras on the
pool table ?
Nobody remembers that ? How is it that you recall the most trivial
events ?
I'll never forget it; how many chances do you get to see smokey
fuck the bandit ?
Didn't I look just like burt reynolds ?
[ Both ] except for the moustache.
They have a whole room you're supposed to do that in.
Well, some pervert wanted to see me naked so badly, he busted in
on me twice.
This saves some of the effort. Oh. Oh !
How much longer we gonna be in this chick store ? I'm startin' to
get a mean hard-on.
Brodie, tell me about the rene breakup.
I threw her away like a parking ticket. Ha !
Don't front, brodie. I talked to rene's cousin this morning. It
was vice versa.
They certainly aren't acting broken up. Ask him about the
elevator.
Tell me about the elevator. It goes up and down.
[ Rene seems so coarse anyway. What was it like to date her ? Ever
slept with somebody ?
- Uh, yeah. - No, I mean really slept
With somebody.
Beside them, not just fucked them on a gaming table.
- We slept together one time
- That was you ?
Yes, brodie, I have slept beside many people.
You know how when someone lays with their back to you...
And you lay behind them really close and you throw one arm over
them ?
It's called spooning. Yeah, but you gotta put the other arm
somewhere.
You can either lay on it or shove it between your bodies.
The only other option is to stretch it above your head.
But sometimes my arm pops out of socket when I'm sleeping like
that.
So I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm while
still laying close to her.
And ? What do you mean, "and ?"
That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship.
I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.
I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me.
[ Crying ]
Fill this with coke, no ice.
Want a sip of my soda ?
[ Grunts ]
[ Groans ] smart-ass ex-boyfriend.
[ Groans ] now, I got two things to tell you.
One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall.
I don't like shiftless layabouts.
You're one of these loser fuckin' mallrat kids.
You don't come down here to work or shop; you hang out all day,
act like you fuckin' live here.
I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.
Is this is what's known as motivated salesmanship ?
[ Groans ]
Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fuckin' clueless.
[ Groans ]
You see, bruce,
I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing
relationship.
They're more vulnerable, in much more need of solace.
And they're fairly open to suggestion.
And I use that to fuck them some place fairly uncomfortable.
What, like the back of a volkswagen ?
No. Like someplace girls dread.
Hey, whoa.
[ Laughing ]
Did we ever get along ? Once or twice.
How come we went out as long as we did ? You had cable.
You gonna stay for the show ? Absolutely not. As soon as he gets
back here, I'm gone.
T.S. Quint, where's your sense of chivalry ?
Oh, my god, is that brodie ?
You're fuckin' kidding ? The easter bunny did this ?
All I said was "the easter bunny at the menlo park mall was more
convincing,"
And he just jumped the railing
And knocked me down. He's dead !
- Let it go. He's under
A lot of pressure. - What happened to him ?
The easter bunny kicked his ass. I had it coming.
Fuck all that shit. Come on, silent bob. What really happened ?
The proprietor of fashionable male beat a rain check into my
stomach.
Shannon hamilton ? You know that guy ?
I went out wit h can you get up ? Am I still glowing ?
Barely breathing. Was rene involved in this ?
This was an independent act of aggression.
He told =that his intentions were to penetrate my ex-girlfriend...
In the most notorious of body cavities. Sounds like him.
You better tell rene. If she's not smart enough to see him for
what he is,
Then she deserves the discomfort.
I have had just about all the discomfort I can stand for a day.
- I'm late. I gotta go. - You're just gonna leave
With him in this condition ?
- You gonna be okay, brodie ? - Couple pins in the hip,
I'll be as good as new.
That's my boy.
[ Kisses cheek ] bye, guys. Be good.
Women. Always leaving you when you've just had the crap kicked out
of you.
You look like you're gonna live. Stay here. I gotta hit the
bathroom.
Please, don't say "hit."
[ Woman ]
Here comes
Mister easter bunny
All right, honey. Don't forget to look for your easter eggs on
sunday.
- Bye-bye, easter bunny. - [ Easter bunny ]
All right, who's next ?
It's hot
In this goddamn suit.
Hey, guys, wait in line like everybody else. What the hell is this
?
This is for brodie.
- [ Gasping ] - [ easter bunny groaning ]
[ Children yelling ]
Oh, god.
He's here. What ?
Him and brodie. Don't sweat it. He's leaving. Oh.
He seems really broken up over this whole thing.
Maybe because we're broken up for good this time.
I remember when I dumped T.S., I was all right with it until he
started dating you.
A little jealousy residue ? I thought so, at first.
Then I realized it was more than that.
When I saw how he was with you, how well you two complimented each
other,
It finally hit me that T.S. Is a great catch.
[ Laughs ] gwen, you were always cheating on him.
Capricious youth. Doesn't mean I wasn't regretful about it.
Jesus, gwen, the last thing I need at this point is a lecture on
my love life.
All I'm saying is that the really good guys are few and far
between.
In fact, I haven't met one since T.S.
Even if I did meet one, I'd use him as a basis for my comparison.
- You can have him
If you want him. - I might consider trying.
If he weren't so hung up on you.
Well, I gotta get home.
Have a great show. Okay. Bye.
[ Sighs ] chocolate covered pretzel ?
This is roddy, mr. "Zvening's" assistant.
Mr. Svening would like to have a word with you. Where ?
These are melting. Copy that. By the stage.
Tell him I'll be there in a minute.
What do you think ? I don't trust it.
Maybe he's calmed down. We'll talk about it reasonably.
Reasonably, schmeasonably. You should go over there and give him
shit.
- I'm trying to marry
Cream at him.
-But after all he's done to you,
You should stick it to him. -How do I do that ?
- You stink-palm him. - Stink-palm ?
You take your hand and you stick it in your ass.
You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so you'll be sweaty
as hell.
You should see yourself. A grown man with his hand down his pants.
I probably look like my old man.
You shake hands with the guy. "Hey, mr. Svening. How've you been
?"
What's the point ? You know how long it takes for that smell to
come off ?
Scrub all you like, it'll stick around for two days.
How does he explain it to his colleagues and family ?
They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass.
- Meanwhile, you are left with
A hand that smells like shit. - Small price to pay...
For the smiting of one's enemies.
Do me a favor. Stay here while I go talk to him.
I assure you tonight's program will go off without a hitch.
I hope so, for your sake. You picked a dangerous mall to host a
game show in.
I hear the easter bunny was accosted this morning. If there is
anything...
Remotely resembling the kind of trouble you had at the governor's
ball,
You're gonna be hosting the lotto drawing on public access the
rest of your career.
Gentlemen, please, trust me.
I have just taken the necessary precautions...
To ensure everything will go smoothly.
[ Man ] look out !
[ Crash ]
Whoa, uh--
[ Stammering ]
[ Microphone feeding back ]
Noth-nothin' to worry about. Nothin' to worry about. Sound test.
Sound test.
I'll tell you what. Why don't, uh--
Why don't I meet you back here around show time, huh ?
[ Chuckling ]
[ Clears throat ]
[ Sighs ]
Somebody said you wanted to see me ? Quint.
I accept the fact that you no doubt fucked my daughter.
The two of you have been dating long enough...
For you to have slimed your way into her panties...
And I am sure you did just that at least once or twice in my own
house,
Probably while
I was at home.
Brandi...
Has a bright future.
She is an extremely...
Intelligent and capable girl.
And I'm sure that one day she'll be even more successful than me.
[ Chuckles ]
Maybe.
But you--
You, on the other hand,
Have absolutely no ambition.
Hmm ?
And no chance of making it in the real world.
My daughter... Is too good for you.
You will never, ever, be with her. Hmm ?
[ Gagging ] so, if there isn't anything else--
Hey, fellas ! Well, well, well, if it isn't my neighbor.
Mr. Svening, how've you--
Damn ! Would you feel that iron grip handshake. Like burt reynolds
and shit.
So, what's goin' on here ?
Oh, well, T.S. And I were just discussing a few of his lesser
points.
Of which he does have many. Hey, look at that ring.
What is that ? That is um... My junior college class ring.
Cum laude, '69. I hope to come loud one day, preferably in a 69.
[ Clicks tongue ]
[ Both laughing ]
Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel ?
They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.
And if I remember correctly, you're a big pretzel fan.
[ Uh, dark, uh, chocolate ? Yeah.
No, oh, no. Oh, come on !
No, no, please, son. Here you go.
Ewww.
[ Groans, chuckles ] thank you.
Mmm. Oh.
That's good.
Good, good.
[ Smacking lips ]
Very nice.
[ Chuckles ] and, you know, being a man...
Who believes in one good turn deserves another.
Hmm ? I have something to offer...
The both of you. Really ? What's that ?
[ Chuckles ] oh, well.
[ Laughing ]
What is this ? I think they're called handcuffs.
Once I realized the both of you were in the mall together,
I decided to set up this little ambush...
To remove you and your...
Sidekick here from the premises permanently.
Hey, why am I his sidekick ? How do you know he's not my sidekick
?
[ T.S. ]
Of talk in a badge.
Rene ! Get jay and silent bob ! Please !
Hurry ! Did somebody call your name ?
Um... Look, I have to go to the bathroom. Wait here, okay.
Hey, anything for you, babe. It's your day.
Thanks.
[ Pats bottom ]
What you need is a fatty, boombatty blunt.
Then I guarantee you'd see a sailboat, an ocean,
And maybe some of them big-titted mermaids doin' some of that
lesbian shit.
Look at me, you sloppy bitch !
[ Panting ] dude, you are a mad chick magnet.
Uh... T.S., Brodie, security guards.
[ Panting ]
Under arrest ! They need help ! Go !
[ Panting ]
Wow, a sailboat.
Brenda ? Dick !
This is illegal. You can't arrest us for nothing.
Oh, all right. I believe when mr. Lafours...
Turns us over to the police, the bag of contraband he's found on
our persons...
Will give them more than enough reason to keep us locked up for
the duration of the show.
Isn't that right, mr. Lafours ?
[ Banging ]
[ Groans ]
Come, son of jor-el. Kneel before zod !
Snootchy bootchies.
[ Laughing hysterically ]
[ Both groaning ]
Vulcan nerve pinch ? That was close !
What about that stink palm ? He even licked his hand. We gotta
disappear.
They're gonna be looking for us.
Thank you, man. We owe you one.
You wanna hide. I know just the place. Let's just go !
Don't I even get to wash my hand first ? Brodie !
What the shit are we gonna do ?
[ Vibrating ]
Aaah !
Yeah. Come on, we're fucked. They're right behind us. Come on.
Yeah ! Badass !
Yeah !
Where do you get those wonderful toys ?
[ T.S. ]
This is where
We're hiding out ?
[ Brodie ] hey, man, this is the dirt mall. Cops never come in
here.
Neither does any self-respecting consumer.
I never could figure out what you saw in this place. Good buys.
Great people.
Earthy aromas. Hey, walt !
[ Man ]
Brodie. They know me here.
I wouldn't be too proud of that. Listen to the sound of defeat in
your voice.
Might have somethito do with the fact that I've been defeated.
You're giving up ? You ? You used to be a stand-up guy. What
happened to that guy ?
The guy who punched amanda gross's mother after she called him
"low class."
That wasn't me,
That was you. Oh, yeah.
It wasn't her mother.
It was her grandmother.
No wonder the bitch went down so fast. Hey !
These should have boards in them. All right. Bloody savage.
And that is one of your more admirably deplorable traits.
You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother,
Or an entire senior citizens community for that matter.
Yeah, but only if they were really old.
Maybe I was deluded.
Or maybe you were right when you said if something stupid like
that...
Could trip up brandi's feelings for me, that she's not into it.
You're gonna listen to me ? To something I said ? Jesus, man !
Haven't I made it clear during the tenure of our friendship that I
don't know shit ?
Half the time I'm just talking out of my ass, or sticking my hand
in it.
Sometimes, yes, but on occasion you've been known to let a nugget
of truth slip out.
I think this morning might have been one of those occasions. You
know what you need ?
Some sage-like advice. You've given me enough for one day, thanks.
Not from me. From ivannah.
Who's ivannah ?
I can't even find the words. Is that ingenuity or what ?
What does palm reading have to do with being topless ? Makes the
news easier to take.
She could tell me I was gonna die in ten minutes, so long as she
told me topless.
Your maleness amazes me sometimes.
What can I say ? I love tits.
What kind of people patronize this service ? People like us.
You're not suggesting you-- come on ! Don't be such a damned
fundamentalist.
I've already reached my lowest today. This is where I draw the
line.
You used to like tits too. Hey, I love tits as much as the next
guy,
But why would I wanna pay some old hag good money for some
supernatural chicanery...
Coupled with sagging, wrinkled, weathered boobs ?
[ Brodie ] man, this place is something out of octopussy.
[ Fake gypsy accent ] you've come for a glimpse at your future ?
Amongst other things.
Talents like those I possess are not to be taken lightly.
If you have heart condition, suffer from nervous nausea,
Or have a family history of stress-induced breakdowns,
Empire entertainment recommend...
You do not partake in the fortune-telling activities contained
within.
You guys still in ?
We're both healthy and strapping young men.
You give me 58 dollar, 60 cents.
[ Whispers ] what ? You expect me to pay for this ?
I'm broke. I'll pay you back. Oh, my god, I knew it !
I can't believe you.
I didn't even wanna do this. You'll thank me later.
Thank you.
Hmm.
[ Sighs ] all right, gentlemen, free your mind.
- I'd like to free something. - "Fuckus."
That's what I was thinking.
She said "focus." Whatever.
[ Sighing ]
I sense a grave disturbance between you both.
A difficulty in affecting a resolution...
For a problem.
- Something hard. - I'm convinced.
She's got the gift. Try to contain yourself.
Look, miss, I appreciate the effort. I'm sure you're good at
whatever it is you do.
But my shallow friend isn't exactly interested in his future, so
cut the theatrics.
[ Loses accent ] what a relief.
I do so much better when I don't have to say things in character.
You don't have to say anything at all.
You paid. I should tell you something. But in order to do that,
I have to work completely...
Unfettered.
[ Deep sigh ]
Ahh. Ohh, yes.
Oh, I can definitely sense the problem here--
Girl trouble.
Apparently, you're both on the outs...
With your respective steadies.
Th-that's amazing. That's disgusting !
Oh, you both feel the pains--
Ow-- of loss.
But only one of you makes it vocal.
The other one... Suffers silently.
My god, you're right. We gotta go.
Wait. How can this be resolved ?
I would say,
Yes, combine your efforts.
That's what I see. Let me tell you what I see.
That's great. Look, I don't buy her power. When's my birthday ?
Hmm.
Between the first and last...
Of october.
Did you hear that ? Very haunting. Let's go.
Miss ivannah, why are you stuck here in this dirt mall ?
How come you're not in some larger, upscale commercial setting ?
You could be raking in the dough with your kind of accuracy.
Well, believe it or not, some people still frown on topless
fortune telling.
And unfortunately, it's the only way that I'm effective.
- Really ? - Well, it's the third nipple
That does it.
Oh, you have a third nipple ?
What are you talking about ? It's as clear as day ! Look at it !
You can stare at it. I don't mind.
- No. - Understanding is reached...
Only after confrontation.
Of course ! Miss ivannah, thank you.
I can't tell you how informative you've been. Thank you very much.
Don't ever lose that nipple. I won't.
Do you have-- any other extra body parts ? No.
Just curious. You could double-check me... If you like.
Really ? Really.
Come on !
[ Sighs ]
Works every time.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're gonna what ? Get on her father's game
show.
Last time svening had dope planted on us. What do you think he's
going to do ?
He can't touch us once the thing starts. It's a live feed.
He can't risk losing face in front of the network execs. It can't
happen.
I'm gonna make it happen. Understanding is reached only after
confrontation.
Brandi will respond to confrontation.
Aren't you the guy that broke up with brandi svening ?
[ Groans ]
What the hell is your problem ? You're supposed to be the
impetuous one !
Why you fighting me ? I'm being rational.
You're scared that you might wanna follow my lead and win rene
back. Rene who ?
Just do me a favor. Meet me by the stage once the show starts. I'm
gonna need your help.
Where're you going ? Shopping.
What the hell am I supposed to do ?
Dude, this looks like your mom.
I've been looking all over for you two.
We're hiding. In a bookstore ?
Last place anyone'd look for me and this tubby bitch. I need your
help.
You two up for getting stoned ? Look who you're asking.
You, uh, looking at that couple inside ?
Actually, I was just looking at this little pink number over here.
Oh, yeah, that's kinda nice.
They look happy, don't they ? What, the bras ?
No, the couple. They look happy.
I guess, as far as couples go.
You know, it reminds me of an issue of spiderman I did.
When peter parker and gwen stacy went lingerie shopping.
Of course, the green goblin showed up and pumpkin-bombed the hell
out of the place.
But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing.
Oh, my god !
Holy shit !
Aren't you-- oh. Stan lee. Hi.
What's up, boys ? Youse guys on this show ? That's the rumor.
Man, between hoping to win, the crowd out there, and being on tv,
I'd be scared as hell if I were youse two. Yeah ?
What if you fuck up ? Your friends and family watchin'.
I'd be piss-scared I'd get a boner or fuckin' fart or somethin'.
He's got a point, man. This is live. Anything could happen.
Shut the fuck up, man. You're making me nervous.
There's only one thing that could take off that edge.
Make you feel relaxed as hell. Make you forget how many people are
staring at you on tv.
And what's that ?
Snootchy bootchy noochies.
The fantastic four. Reed richards. Can his whole body stretch ?
Every part, like his--
[ Chuckles ] I know what you mean.
We never really tackled stuff like that in the old days.
I mean, what with the comic book code and all.
I can't believe I'm standing here talking to you. You're
responsible for the greats.
Let's do the list. Spiderman ? Guilty.
The incredible hulk ? 'Fraid so.
Oh, man, this is so cool. The x-men ? Now that you mention it.
Shit, man, you are a god !
Hey, look at that couple. Boy, they sure seem to be in love, huh ?
What's with that ? That's the second time you've commented on
couples in love.
I like that sort of thing. Tell me, do you have a girlfriend,
brodie ?
Had one. We just broke up.
The thing ! Is his dork made of orange rock like the rest of his
body ?
[ Chuckles ] it's a superhero's secret. Tell me, brodie.
Why did you and your girlfriend break up ? She was a pain in the
ass.
She wanted me to be this typical boyfriend guy.
Said I was too into my own world of comics and all. Yeah, I can
relate.
There was a time when it was all about comics for me.
I had a girl, probably the same as yours.
She always complained that I spent too much time with my own
comics.
And, eventually, we broke up.
See ? What did she know ? Here you are now, a legend in the field.
Probably had a slew of women since her. Am I right ? Oh, lots of
women.
Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most.
Matter of fact, last time I looked, I was way ahead.
Damn, that's hot ! But I never forgot that girl.
Did you ever get back together ? One day, I found out she got
married.
I had blown it. I had, uh... Missed my window.
No way. Well, what'd you do ?
I went on with my life.
I created some special new superheroes.
They were characters that reflected my own heartbreak and my own
regrets.
How so ? Doctor doom wears body armor...
To conceal his own mangled form, right ? Yeah.
Okay. That was me beneath the armor.
The hulk-- a normal guy one minute, a rage of emotions the next.
Just like me when I thought about what I'd given up.
So you created each character as a way to deal with your one big
regret.
Yeah. The girl that got away.
Look, do yourself a favor, brodie.
Don't wait. Because all the money, all the women,
[ Chuckles ] even all the comic books in the world,
They can't substitute for that one person.
I don't know. All the comics in the world ? Trust me, true
believer.
Well, good talking to you. Keep up all the good work.
You keep reading 'em, I'll keep writing 'em.
- Hey, stan. - Yeah ?
- She really meant
I'd give it all up, all of it,
For just one more day with her.
Take care.
Stan. Hi.
I think he bought it. What kind of story'd you give him ?
Oh, it was the vulture's soliloquy, you know, from the spiderman
anniversary issue.
"Love be a vulture tonight."
[ Laughs ]
I can't thank you enough. Oh, forget it.
But, you know, I think you ought to get him some help.
He seems to be really hung up on superhero sex organs.
But he'll outgrow it. Okay.
I think I felt it move. Just kidding.
I need your help. With what ?
Let me borrow that tape of shannon hamilton. Why ?
The future of my relationship depends on it. It's at my house.
Take T.S.'S car. The station wagon. I don't have a license.
Just go ! Still got that stage schematic ?
I need you to wire something together for me.
[ Sniffs, groans ]
Jesus, what's with him ? I don't know. I'm suddenly not feeling
too well.
[ Straining ] but everything is fine. We're about to start.
Oh, you are in for something really special tonight, gentlemen.
I have lined up--
[ Gagging ]
Excuse me !
[ Vomiting ] oh, jesus.
[ Groans ] sorry.
I've lined up some really bright kids here.
And this promises to be a lot of fun.
I'm sure you're gonna love it. Shouldn't you be in bed or
something ?
No, no, I wouldn't miss this... For the world.
Go and make sure everybody is ready, and let's start, huh ?
[ Sighs, groans ] uh, no, no, no, no.
I smoke two joints
In the morning
How much did you smoke ?
All it took was a fat, chronic blunt. These guys were
lightweights.
How much do I owe you ? My treat.
As long as you promise, next time you pop your old lady, you make
her call you "jay."
Snootchy bootchies. Let's hope there is a next time.
All right, I'm ready.
You're never gonna believe who I just met.
What the hell happened to these two ? Power of the dark side.
Wait a minute, there's only two. There's supposed to be three.
What happened to the third guy ?
- I never saw a third guy. - [ Brodie ]
Who's this asshole ?
What the hell happened to those guys ? They got lightheaded.
You got that right. Oh, so what ? They gonna cancel the show ?
What do you care ? I'm supposed to be on it: Gill hicks, suitor
number 3.
We're gonna take their place. I'm T.S. Quint. This is brodie
bruce.
Didn't svening have you arrested ? Don't give him any shit !
Something's going on here. Where's mr. Svening ?
Mr. Svening has come down with a sudden case of diphtheria. What
happened to those two ?
[ Jay ]
Homeboys got a case
Of the mad munchies.
- Rowdy roddy, isn't this
The guy svening had arrested ? - Yes, it is.
All right, quint. I don't know how you got back here, but I'm
alerting mr. Svening.
We'll postpone the start until we figure this out.
You called down the thunder. Well, now you got it. Security !
Hey, roddy. What ?
Jesus christ, you knocked him out. Now hit him !
Somebody call security ? What happened to those two ?
They got stoned and knocked this guy out. He needs medical
attention.
That's not what-- ow ! Have this guy removed. This show's about to
start.
Whatever.
Look, dude, no more shit. Just go out there and woo, and nobody
gets hurt !
When tricia shows up here with the videotape, get it to silent
bob.
I'm on it. Wait a sec. Where is that tubby bitch ?
[ Theme ]
Good evening, and welcome to truth or date.
One match made here ignites the fires of romance.
Hi, I'm bob summers, your host.
And tonight we'll watch as one of our three lucky suitors...
Woos our beautiful, eligible suitor-ette.
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for romance in the making...
As we introduce the suitors.
[ Vomiting ]
Our first suitor goes to marymount college where he majors in
economics.
- Say hi to doug paging. - [ Audience applauding ]
Do it, doug !
Our second suitor hails from canisius college in buffalo,
Where he majors in communications.
Say hi to rob feature.
Our final suitor goes to rutgers,
Where he majors in the fine arts and greek mythology.
A nice welcome for gill hicks.
Pay attention, dick.
May the best man win.
And now, ladies
And gentlemen,
I would like to introduce our lovely suitor-ette,
From monmouth state, where she majors in astronomy and earth
sciences,
A big welcome for the lovely brandi svening.
[ Audience applauding ]
All right, everybody knows how the game is played.
Our lovely suitor-ette will ask a series of questions of our
suitors...
And make her decision based on their answers.
Anything goes. Brandi, are you ready ?
Uh, absolutely, bob.
Then you may fire when ready.
Okay.
Um--
[ Clears throat ] suitor number one.
If you were a car, what kind of car would you be ?
[ Clears throat ] um, the kind you never dump your boyfriend in.
Okay. Suitor number two.
Can't you call me the "second suitor."
Suitor number two sounds like a bathroom code, you know ?
Okay. Second suitor.
- If we were making whoopie-- - what's whoopie ?
Um--
Oh, well, uh, if we were-- if we were being intimate--
- What, like fucking ? - [ Audience gasps ]
[ Laughs ] yeah.
Yeah if we were, uh-- what kind of noises would you make ?
[ Grunting, barking ]
I think that's personal. I don't think I should answer that.
[ Audience laughs ] okay.
Uh, suitor number three. What would our first date be like ?
Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you'd wanna shop
in,
And then we'd do lunch, probably at the cheese haus, followed by
some golfing.
And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably die
fleidermaus.
And then I'd follow it all up with a drive to a secluded beach...
Where I'd pop on the radio...
And then we could slow dance 'til the sun came up.
That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard !
Look at you. You're the kind of guy that would beg for sex.
I should know. We can smell our own.
[ Audience laughing ]
Suitor number one.
If we fell in love, how would you propose to me ?
- When jaws popped out
Of the water. - Excuse me ?
I'd propose to you right now. I propose that you stop letting your
father run your life,
Be true to yourself and not give up on somebody you know has
value.
And take off your socks when you make whoopie.
He hates it when you leave 'em on.
- What ? - Hypothetically speaking.
Suitor number one, you-- you sound familiar.
Like your conscience, maybe. Look, lady, you don't know him, all
right ?
Now make with the questions.
[ Brandi ]
Suitor number three.
Is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer
?
- What's the funny guy
Doing with his hands ? - I don't wanna know.
What the fuck is goin' on up there ?
Definitely a jackhammer.
I'm in there with some pressure, and when I'm done, you're not the
same as before.
You're changed. Where do you come up with this shit ?
That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever
heard.
I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.
[ Chuckles ] suitor number two, you have to wait until you're
addressed before you respond.
Richard dawson, just go back to your podium until it's time to
play the feud.
[ Audience laughing ]
- Who'd you see me kiss ? - Some dude backstage.
He seemed unimpressed.
I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.
Hey, suitor-ette, this guy's a homophobe; you heard how repulsed
he sounded.
Is this the kind of guy you wanna spend a vacation with, this hate
monger ?
I don't hate gay people. So you love them ?
Yes. I mean, no. Textbook closet case. Self loather.
- Can't be comfortable
With his own sexuality. - [ Laughs ]
Brodie told me to give this to you. Are you watching this shit ?
It's fucked up ! I don't wanna be here when that tape does what I
think it's going to do.
Miss suitor-ette, how 'bout you answer a question for me ?
- Um, I don't think that-- - how strong are
Your convictions ?
- What are you talking about ? - How easily do you quit ? Say
You wind up with one of us.
- Hopefully not rush limbaugh. - I'm not like rush limbaugh.
Because he's fat ? You got something against fat people too ?
[ Audience laughs ]
Snootchy bootchies.
Are you ready ?
Uh, if I have a conviction, I stick to it.
- Were you ever in love ? - Yes, as a matter of fact.
Oh, really ? And what happened to your boyfriend ?
Well, he, uh-- we broke up.
- Why ? - [ Chuckles ]
It just didn't work out.
- Were you unhappy ? - Sometimes.
- Why ? - T.S. ?
Hey, what about the rest of us ? Why don't you ask me a question ?
- Suitor number two. - What about me ?
- Aw, gill,
Just shut the fuck up. - [ Audience laughing ]
Second suitor. Would you ever make whoopie in public ?
I already did once today.
[ Clicks tongue ]
But my cousin walter jerked off in public once. True story.
He was on a plane to new mexico, when all of a sudden the
hydraulics went.
The plane started spinning around, going out of control.
So he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it
right there.
So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start
beating like mad.
So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain
doom,
When all the sudden,
The hydraulics kick back in and the plane rights itself.
It lands safely. And everyone puts their pieces or whatever away
and deboard.
And nobody mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.
Well, did he come or what ? Jesus christ !
There's just some things you don't talk about in public.
[ Audience laughs ]
Second suitor. If you were a comic book character, what character
would you be ?
Wow, that's a great question. Tough one, though. What does one
gage his response on ?
Physical prowess ? Keen detection skills ?
The ability to banter well with super villains ?
- How's your comic book
Collection, brodie ? - It's goin' good, but--
Oh, comics ? What are you talking about ?
I don't collect comics. Comics are for kids.
I knew it. Suitor number one, you just don't know when to quit, do
you ?
No. No. But you sure do. I thought you were in love.
I was in love. But I thought that I had a partner.
Somebody who wouldn't fall to pieces when things didn't go his
way.
- How so ? - My father needed a contestant
For his show, T.S.
- What was I supposed to do ? - Maybe show a little backbone.
Show a little "backbone ?" What did you do ?
When I walked away, did you make any effort to repair that breach
?
No, you ran off and cried on the shoulder of bumble the boy wonder
over there.
"Boy wonder" ? I'm all man, lady !
So, you're here now and you're ruining my father's new show.
You're airing all our personal business on stage.
You've gone this far. Why don't you tell them the whole story ?
There we were, mere hours away from spending an entire week
together away from our family,
And she throws in the towel because her daddy says so.
The girl who was meant to be sitting in this chair died in a pool.
[ Gasping ]
When I tried to
Explain this to him,
He was such an asshole about it, that even though it killed me to
do it,
I broke up with him.
I've been crying all day.
But what did he do ?
He just goes on with his life. I mean, here he is. He's hanging
out at a mall.
You put yourself on an auction block in front of a live studio
audience !
- Do I get a chance
To field any more questions ? - [ T.S., Brandi ] no !
I think I should say something.
I know both of you pretty well.
Suitor-ette, suitor number one has done nothing but pine over you
all day,
Trying to figure out a way to win you back.
And when this public opportunity to literally do that arose,
He pulled his shit together...
And faced the odds to get up here and give it his best shot !
I'm tired of this whole thing ! You're both retarded for each
other.
Why don't you forget about the shit that happened and do what
you're supposed to ?
I think the audience would agree with me there.
Well, ask her, you silly bastard.
Miss suitor-ette, suitor number one loves you.
Has always loved you and will always love you.
He's only got one question that he'd like to ask.
Will you marry me ?
Yes.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Jay ]
Snootchy bootchies,
Brodie-nootchies !
Are we set or what ? Good to go.
[ Grunts ]
Oh, a sailboat.
[ Screaming ]
I think it's safe to say we've made our match.
These two lucky people will soon be winging their way to
beautiful, sunny florida...
For a week of theme parks, beaches, and a lot more from the look
of it.
Well, I guess that about wraps it up for--
Not just yet, pat sajak. All right ?
You. I believe you have something that belongs to me.
Yeah, what's that ?
Not you, asshole.
The girl. You have my heart.
What can I say ? I love the retard.
Well, wait a minute. I thought tonight, we're supposed to--
Hey, hamilton.
Let's try to wrap this up. I promised her breakfast.
That's it. You're dead, mallrat.
I am gonna fuck you up beyond repair !
[ Crying ] sailboat. Sailboat. Goddamn sailboat.
Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way...
Is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me today of a
nefarious plan of his...
To screw my girlfriend in a very uncomfortable place.
[ Gill ] what ?
Like the back of a volkswagen ?
And as he comes up here to--
Holy shit.
Well, without further ado, I'd like to present you with an
accurate portrayal...
Of the proprietor
Onow, silent bob.
I said now, silent bob !
[ Willam ]
When, lord ?
When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat ?
Now ! Now, now, now !
[ Screaming ]
How does baby like it ?
[ Groaning ] call me joey.
Oh, yeah. Don't make me get loose. That's it.
Ah, yeah, call me donny.
Come on.
Ah, girl. Yeah, please don't go, girl.
Goddamn, this is one wacky game show.
Hey, that girl's only 15.
Oh, 15 ? I thought she was 36.
Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.
[ Creaking ]
[ Crash ]
Hey, you know, where you're going, they screw people in a very
uncomfortable place.
Really ? Yeah.
! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody. Come on. Just
once ?
All right, but make it fast.
[ Groans ]
Would you have gone on vacation with the winner ?
Well, what do you think ?
I don't know.
I but I would have sent you a postcard.
[ Giggles ]
[ Crying ] what the hell is wrong with me ?
So, if the tape was out of your reach, how the hell did you get it
?
The jedi mind trick. Holy shit ! Motherfuckin' yoda and shit.
Adventure. Excitement.
A jedi craves not these things.
I know where you hide
I drive by there
Often
I spy on the surface
And make with your friends
Heaven is harsh
Fire unfaithful
[ Sighs ] did you see that st ? Do you call that romance ?
I call that illegal.
So--
So what ? Well, I was just wondering if you're not busy tomorrow
night--
Yeah ?
[ Sighs ] would you like to come over to my house for dinner and
meet my mother ?
I can't guarantee you she's gonna like you--
It was just a warm-up. Aw, please, please, come on.
The show would always go smoother and be less racy. The show was a
piece of shit.
Unoriginal, uninspired. The only thing that saved it was this guy
here.
Hi, I'm bentley garrison with the network. Me and mason thought
you were hysterical.
Hilarious. You got great presence, kid.
Have you ever considered hosting your own talk show ? Yeah.
[ Gasps, shrieks ] him ?
(
geocities.com/movie_starzz)