FILM 2002 WITH PAUL MARINER

Hi I'm Paul Mariner and these are the latest films coming your way!!
What a Fuss About Fuck all

The twelfth adaptation of Ralf Little’s classic 18th century novel promises to be the best yet. An all star cast really brings High Wycombe of 1783 alive and the great acting and fantastic direction makes this a film not to be missed!
Cast – Emma Nice, James Shit, Sophia Droop.
Director – Li Quid Poo.
Classic Line – “Oh Mother, can I not marry who I want? Is Darren Anderton not good enough for you?”
Pauls comments…
To be honest this film gave me a pleasant surprise. I was not really expecting much but this adaptation was probably much better than all the others rolled into one. Emma Nice puts in a sterling performance as Anne Robinson and Darren Anderton really adds a touch of class to the proceedings. Li Quid Poo has once again proved he is one of the finest directors around. Final Score: 4/5

Loaded

Classic, hard hitting film about a bunch of druggies in Rotherham who struggle to break free of their heroin enduced hell. The producers were eager not to glamorise drugs so employed lots of trendy actors and set the film to a cool soundtrack.
Cast – Jimmy McFish, Laura Fishcake, Bobby Gillespie.
Director – Michael Burke.
Classic Line – “What’s Peter Levy doing here?”
Pauls comments…
While I applaud Michael Burke for tackling such a difficult subject for his debut feature, ‘Loaded’ left me very disappointed. Was there any need for two Blur tracks on the soundtrack? I think not. Jimmy McFish is undoubtedly a great actor but is let down by the poor script and patchy direction.
Final Score: 2/5

Millers

The real life story of Hartlepool United manager Chris Turner. Filmed on location in Durham and Chichester, this new film from up and coming director Lindsey Snowball promises to be powerful, touching and witty. Michael Caine makes a cameo appearance as Harry Basset.
Cast – Colin Footballer, Lee Mavers, Jack Davenport.
Director – Lindsey Snowball.
Classic Line – “What do you mean Gordon Watson’s a woman?”
Pauls comments…
Wow! ‘Millers’ really is a must see film! Lindsey Snowball is definitely a talent to watch out for. The fascinating story of Chris Turner’s amazing career is beautifully bought to life in this fabulous film. The acting is first rate, especially from Colin Footballer who plays Chris’ estranged and disturbed son Jamie. This is an extremely moving film with many twists and turns along the way. The second best football movie ever, after Stay Down Palace.
Final Score: 5/5

24 Hour Apartheid People

The music was great! The clothes were fantastic! The regimes were oppressive! This film takes a look at the post punk scene in South Africa from 1978 right through to 1989, a year of great change.
Cast – John Normal, Paddy Midlander, Alan Partridge.
Director – F. W. de Klerk.
Classic line - ”Everyone has been burned before, everybody knows the pain”
Pauls comments…
This is an amusing film which you will enjoy whether you were there during these times of change or not. It contains many annoying, oh-so ironic moments but don’t let that put you off. I found this film helped me pass the time between Ally McBeal and Watercolour Challenge quite nicely.
Final Score: 3/5

Arsene’s 11

One of the most eagerly awaited films of the year sees colourful Frenchman Arsene Wenger and his band of charismatic buddies descend on Salford to try to pull off the heist of the century!
Cast – Brett Dick, Matt Blunt, Terry McDermott.
Director – Gerhard Burger.
Classic Line – “So when I shout 'Prawn sandwiches half price', you sneak into the trophy room”
Pauls comments…This kind of thing never happened when I was at Arsenal. Who do these froggies think they are? Winning trophy after trophy, they should be ashamed.
Final Score: 0/5

Beautiful people got problems too

This new film follows the life of Todd, a well paid marketing executive from New York who is becoming tired of screwing beautiful women. Eve is blonde and sexy, but also very shallow, while Sarah is dark and intellegent, but also a bit plain. Of course I'm sure if she took her glasses off and let her hair down she will magically become gorgeous and Todd will fall in love with her. Thankfully Todd has a fat ugly friend whose only purpose in life is to be really nice and also funny, because of course people like him dont get girlfriends.
Oh great here comes David Gray.
Cast - John Fuckwit, Gwen Sopp, Kate Shitbox.
Director - Some foreign sounding woman.
Classic line - "Steve Archibald was quite a good player wasnt he"
Pauls Comments...
Wow I never knew being rich and good looking was so hard. This film dramtically portrays the emotional hardships people like that go through every day. One of the best scenes comes when our friends get very drunk, tread on a homeless person and throw up over an old man. Have you noticed how Americans mix up 'Have' and 'Got'? How retarded is that?
Final score: 3/5

Dust Another Day

When dusting becomes a temptation...
And every dust brings you closer to the edge...
When you dust every window ledge like its your last...
There's a cobweb round every corner...
DUST ANOTHER DAY!
Cast - Sophie Crouchman, Gillian Crouchman.
Director - Ryan Giggs.
Classic line - "I'll dust. No I'll dust. No I dont mind. Oh okay you can dust. (Sigh)"
Pauls Comments...
Well this was a massive dissapointment. I was expecting an action packed dusting spectacular but all I got was two people moaning and arguing over who is the biggest martyr. Why dont they just get on and dust the bastard. Its not like its really hard work. Jesus.
Final Score: 1/5

Coldharbour

From the makers of 'Pear Harbour' and 'Cold Feet' comes this moving film about life in small town Surrey. Some dramatic action is in store when the local football team play deadly rivals Dorking in the Surrey senior cup. Also, Lee struggles to adapt to life in his new job as A24 drive thru McDonalds manager, leaving his wife Vicky holding the baby in Leatherhead.
Cast - Ray Winstone, Sally Nottinghamshirelass, Phil Collins.
Director - Gary Miserable.
Classic line - "If we beat Guildford we've won the cup!"
Pauls comments...
This film moved me like no other I've ever seen. It was British social realism at its best. Michael Nyman's score is quite beautiful and complements the film superbly. Phil Collins excells in his first major film and I can see him winning many awards for this stunning performance.
Final score: 5/5

Van Hooijdonk party liason

This hilarious gross out comedy sees arrogant shitbox Pierre Van Hooijdonk invite all his Nottingham Forest chums round for a wild party. However Pierre is left dissapointed as nobody turns up and he is left masturbating on his own while watching Richard and Judy.
Cast - Tara Reid, Shannon Elizabeth, Paul Weller.
Director - Damon Hill.
Classic line - "In the house of Basset, the TV is upside down"
Pauls comments...
This film had plenty of promise but ultimately I was let down by Tara Reid's poor performance as Dave Basset. Elizabeth faired much better, really bringing depth to the character of Steve Stone.
Final Score: 2/5

Kate Ashfield

Kate Ashield wakes up. Kate Ashfield makes underrated British film. Kate Ashfield takes over Northampton in a military style coup. Kate Ashfield comes home. Kate Ashfield has take away Pizza and watches 'Rick Steins food heroes'. Kate Ashfield checks the Coventry score. Kate Ashfield goes to bed dissapointed.
Cast - Kate Ashfield.
Director - Kate Ashfield.
Classic line - "Hi, i'm Kate Ashfield"
Pauls comments...
Class.
Final score: 5/5

Road to Periton

After the success of 'Coldharbour', Gary Miserable returns with a compelling film about the building of the A39 in Somerset. How will the people of Bilbrook react when they realise Tivington has been given a by-pass but not them? And its derby day in Cricket, where East and West Quantoxhead meet in the county championship!
Cast - Ray Winstone, Jenson Button, Tricky.
Director - Gary Miserable.
Classic line - "Why cant I get to Bossington without being stuck in traffic? Its a fucking disgrace! Bloody Conservative government! I've got three kids to bring up you heartless bastards bla bla bla"
Pauls comments...
After the superb cinematic experience of 'Coldharbour', I was hoping for more of the same from Gary Miserable. Sadly this did not match his sublime debut and I left the cinema dissapointed. Still, Ray Winstone was impressive, and demonstrated the social hardship these people live through when a new road is being built.
Final Score: 2/5

My Big Fat Greek Defender

This new biopic charts the life of Newcastle United and Greece defender Nikos Dabizas. How will he get through life being fat slow and useless? Watch as Nikos learns to deal with the taunts of his peers and triumphs over adversity.
Cast - Jake Hair, Ronnie Corbett, Richard Wyatt.
Director (of football) - Kenny Dalglish.
Classic line - "Stevenage? Easy!"
Pauls comments...
This film was very poor. It moved at an extremely slow pace, it did not tackle anything interesting and very the acting was pathetic. What was Kenny Dlaglish thinking?
Final score: 1/5

Gangs of Newmarket

The Newmarket 'Natives' are unhappy with the increasing number of Irish jockeys that are taking over their town. Soon, tensions rise to a final street battle and mass bloodshed. Suffolk was born in the streets.
Cast - Leonard O'Caprio, Cameron Diaz, Junior Lewis.
Director - Martin O'Neill.
Classic line - "We dont like no foreigners round these parts".
Pauls Comments...
Wow! This is an epic adventure that you have to see! Martin O'Neill creates a superb vision of ancient Newmarket and the bizzare folk that inhabit it.
Final Score: 5/5

Gone with the Windass

This is a tragic story that centres on the mass clearout of financially crippled Bradford City. Can the love of one fat footballer survive in this time of depression? Does anyone care?
Cast - Dean Windass, Andy Wetherall, Benito Carbone.
Director - Paul Jewell.
Classic Line - "I'm afraid we're going to have to let Simon Grayson go!"
Pauls Comments...
This really was a very moving film charting one mans struggle in the face of adversity. People need to see this movie.
Final Score: 4/5

Coldplay Comfort Farm

A new adaptation of Stella McCartneys classic novel, satirisng British alternative rock bands. Will once saw Noel Gallagher in the woodshed! Chris wants to be a famous film star, or failing that, marry one! Guy just wants people to remember his name! And poor old Jonny dispairs about them all! Its certain to be hilarious!*
Cast - Gwen Sopp, Ian McCulloch, Charlotte Gainsborough.
Director - Zena Badawi.
* Actually its probably not going to be.
Pauls Comments...
Some critics have described this as their film of the year but I must disagree. Sure, there were some fantastic moments and on the whole the cast were superb. But this still lacked something and in the end left me feeling rather dissapointed. There were much better films made this year in Liverpool, Manchester and New York.
Final Score: 3/5

The Mancunian Candidate

Four young lads from the Manchester suburbs are kidnapped and brainwashed into believing they are the greatest rock and roll band on the planet, and save the british pop scene with their fantastic tunes. Tragically, one of them is replaced with a giant monkey. Dont hold your breath for a sequel, it could be a while in the making.
Cast - Ian Brown, John Squire, Gary Mounfield, Alan Wren.
Director - Gareth Evans.
Classic line - "Who is and who isnt?"
Pauls Comments...
Well this is more like it! After the dissapointment of Coldplay comfort farm, this amazing film really cheered me up. It looks great, the cast are all fantastic and the script is brilliant. The only problem I have with this film is that it is very un realistic. No band could ever be as good as this.
Final Score: 5/5

Live Forever

Britpop! 1996! Remember? What a great time to be British! A bunch of twats from London and a bunch of twats from Manchester that move to London! We had great bands like Menswear, Shed Seven and Sleeper! Great films like The Life of Stuff that all seemed to star Kelly Macdonald and Ewan Bremner. Tony Blair and his Labour government are down with the kids and are going to put the Great back in Great Britain! Cheeky cockernee Terry Venables made the English team win again! Euro 96, Bulgaria 1-0 Romania in front of an empty St James' Park! What a great tournament!
Just think, The Stone Roses are partly responsible for all of this.
Cast - Damon Albarn, Tony Blair, Bonehead.
Director - Keith Allen.
Classic Line - "Being photographed with Tony Blair will do our credibility the world of good!"
Pauls Comments...
When I first saw this, I thought it was excellent. However looking back I realise it was a pile of shite and the only reason I liked it was because a bunch of pony tailed marketing types from South London told me it was cool.
Final Score: 0/5

The Last Days of C-86

The Last days of C-86 loosely depicts the “last days” of the NME invented C-86 music scene, and the bands of that era. It centres on a group of friends trying to find love in this age of sex, drugs and seriously bad rock and roll. As their indie disco closes, can it really be the end for C-86?
Its all set to the music of great bands from the time, like McCarthy, The Close Lobsters and of course Half Man Half Biscuit.
Cast – Chloe Sevigny, some other people you’ve probably never heard of.
Director – The New Musical Express.
Classic line – “God I love The Wedding Present”
Pauls Comments…
Well this was quite a bizarre film, I’m not quite sure what the point of it was. The standout for me was probably Chloe Sevigny as Bobby Gillespie, but I cant see this film making any inroads at the box office.
Final Score: 2/5

Meet Kingsley Black

Kingsley Black gets run over. Ha ha that'll teach him not to play for Forest and be shit.
Was it just me or was there a Kingsley Black sticker in every single packet? I remember swappping Craig Hitchock 8 Kingsley Blacks for 1 Tony Cottee.
Cast - Brett Dick, Clive Anderson, Emma Nice
Director - Frank Clarke
Best Line - "Isn't he dead yet?"
Paul's Comments
God this film is shit. Its so fucking slow! Its even worse than 'Van Hoijdonk Party Liason' or 'My Big Fat Greek Defender'. How ever did this one slip the net? I can't see it getting a wide release, it'll probably pop up in Grimsby UCI in a couple of years.
Final Score: 0/5

Virtual Textuality

English student James Crouchman is confused by the opposite sex. The only girl he's ever seen in lessons is someone called Kate Beckinsale, but James thinks she may be out of his league. So he decides to create the perfect woman using a computer! Unfortunately she's rubbish at English Literature, never contributes to group work and runs off with Jason Smith.
Cast - Laura Fishcake, Gwen Sopp, Catherine Zeta Jones
Director - Anthony Hopkins
Classic line - "Cold Comfort Farm fails to stairise Precious Bane as it is a succesfull comic novel in its own right". Discuss.
Pauls Comments
Hmm this film really was quite dull. I woke up with five minutes to go, and panic set in when I realised I had not made any notes for my review! If only I'd concentrated harder! I like the title though, its very clever.
Final Score: 3/5

Bridge on the River Ouse

A touching film that charts to journey of two young friends as they walk from Suggies house, across the plains of Reffley, past Springwood High School and home to Gayton Road. Watch as they manage to get a bike over a tiny pipe across the Reffley river, chuck it over the school fence and try to avoid a huge patch of nettles.
Cast - Tom Cruise, Kevin Bacon, Ben Affleck.
Director - Danny Boyle.
Classic Line - "I'm bored of revision, lets go play football and watch Trainspotting".
Pauls Comments...
Jesus christ this film is amazing. It moved me so much I ended up in the other room. Probably the most beautiful moment is as our young heroes chat about GCSE Physics, to the strains of 'Talk Tonight' by Oasis while the sun sets over Springwood estate. Stunning. It also features great work from Ben Affleck as Robert Sugden.
Final Score: 5/5

The Shinning

A dramatic tale about a young boy who has an amazing ability to score decisive, last minute goals in Playoff Finals using only his shin. Shelly Duvall plays terrified goalkeeper Nigel Martyn, while Jack Nicolson excels as evil Palace defender David Tuttle.
Cast - Jack Nicolson, Shelly Duvall, Dougray Scott
Director - Zeljko Kalac.
Classic Line - "Here's Claridge!"
Paul's Comments
To be fair, I can't see the point of this film, as the subject matter has already been turned into a fantastic film. If Stay Down Palace was Top Gun, then this film is almost certainly Pearl Harbour. Rubbish.
Final Score: 1/5

The Birds!

Ben Affleck returns as Robert Sugden in this thrilling new film. 6th form student Sugden is enjoying a cold beer with his friend James Crouchman when he hears a scream from inside the kitchen! James' sister Sophie is being attacked by a crazed sparrow! Will Suggie save the day? Will he finish his Grolsch? Who will win the Leonard match? Shouldn't they be revising? Find out in this fantastic movie!
Cast - Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, Phil the Sparrow
Director - Craig Hitchcock
Classic Line - "The birds shat itself!"
Paul's Comments...
While this film was not up to the standard of Bridge on the River Ouse, it is still a fine piece of work and Ben Affleck again excells as Robert Sugden.
Did you know that if you look up 'Ben Affleck' on Wireimage.com you get 826 pictures, but if you type in 'Ben Affleck smiling', you only get 32. This is true.
Final Score: 4/5

Changing Lanes

The third part of our Robert Sugden trilogy takes place during a busy day in Kings Lynn. Robert and James are in a rush to get to Badminton on time, but Sugden drives too fast and crashes his car in the Crouchman's garden! Will our heroes be able to save the Nissan before Mrs Crouchmsn (Jackson) finds out?
Cast - Ben Affleck, Samuel L Jackson, Dustin Hoffman
Director - David from next door
Classic line - "Lets try and knock down the wall to see if that helps"
Pauls Comments...
This was a huge letdown. I really think the producers should stop trying to cash in on Robert Sugden's international appeal. Dustin Hoffman excells as Suggies Dad.
Final Score: 1/5

Calendar Girls

This hilarious yet gritty film revolves on a group of northeners who resort to "wacky antics" in order to take their mind of the incredibly dull job of presenting the Yorkshire news bulletins. No doubt it will be a moving comedy-drama about coming to terms with old age, and will have a moving ending. And lots of saggy tits.
Cast - Helen Mirren, some other old bag
Director - Er....
Classic line - "Do you ever get the feeling starring in crappy britflicks is just totally pointless?"
Pauls Comments...
Shit.

Ensemble Romance by Numbers

Film Producer: “What we need is a fresh, new British film that will grab people’s attention, something that has never been done before”
Pitcher: “What about an ensemble film, they’re all the rage at the moment!”
Producer: “Yes, but we need a fresh spin on the idea”
Pitcher: “Why not make it a romantic comedy about the trials and tribulations of the dating game”
Producer: “I like, I like! It could be a hard hitting film about single Mums in Nottingham and how hard it is to balance relationships with bringing up kids on the minimum wage”
Pitcher: “Er, I was thinking more like good-looking, wealthy Londoners”
Producer: “Brilliant! That’s never been done before! Someone get Hugh Grants number!”

Cast – Loads of people from loads of shitty British sitcoms. And Keira Knightly.
Director – Some wanker.
Classic Line- “God I love living in a London with no poor people or ethnic minorities”.
Pauls Comments…
This film made me feel all warm and tingly and reminded me just how good it is being white and middle class. It also reminded me that posh English people like Colin Firth can actually fall in love with filthy commoners. Andrew Lincoln was superb, and showed us that he is so much more than a subject for James Crouchman’s impressions.
Final Score: 5/5

T.W.A.T

Starring Colin Farrell.

My Best Friends in the Wedding Present

Its hard being Julia Roberts, always playing the plain Jane. Especially when the man you secretly love joins The Wedding Present. Will she declare her love for him, before he joins the band and sets off around the globe for a debauched life of angsty jangle – pop and foppish student worship?
Cast - Julia Roberts, Iwan Roberts, John Robertson
Director – P J Harvey
Classic Line – “Julia Roberts or Warwick university on a Tuesday night?”
Pauls Comments…
Ha ha ha! Isn’t Rupert Everett hilarious! Aren’t camp people just so bloody hilarious! Ha ha ha!
Final Score: 3/5

Kill Bill

Uma Thurman goes fucking crazy and kills everyone called Bill, including Clinton, Shankly, Shakespeare and Nicholson. And wears a cat suit. Which is always good.
Cast – Who actually cares? Who reads this bit?
Director – Quentin Wilson from Top Gear.
Classic Line – “Mwahahahah I am Uma Thurman, feel my football manager hating wrath!”.
Pauls Comments
Personally any film featuring Uma Thurman go fucking crazy and killing Bill Clinton with a machete is worth top marks.
Final Score: 5/5

Intolerbale Cruelty

Watching a film with Catherine Zeta Jones in.

Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett Johansson pouts. Scarlett Johansson squints. Scarlett Johansson gazes out of a window in a reflective way. Scarlett Johansson pulls an old geezer. Scarlett Johansson says something controversial in a magazine. The End.
Cast - Fucking Scarlett Johansson.
Director - The latest cool indie auteur
Best line - "Its hard being young and attractive"
Pauls Comments
Amazing! Give it an Oscar! Or seven!
Final score: 5/5

Fuck Off, Frankie

Lizzie is an unthreateningly pretty woman with an oh so cute Scottish accent, trying to bring up some bloody deaf kid with an oh so cute Celtic-ish name in an oh so beautiful Scottish fishing village. Lizzie pretends to write letters to young Frankie from his Dad, until the boy gets one saying "Fuck off, Frankie, I'm off to star in Lara Croft and The Phantom of the Opera". At which point Lizzie fucks off too so she can earn megabucks in Hollywood. How moving.
Cast - Inevitably, Emily Mortimer and a load of other Oxbridge arses.
Director - Some bird called Shona
Best line - "och eye, its that English bitch from 51st state!"
Pauls Comments...
Where are the guns? And the naked women? No fun!
Final Score: 1.723/5

Ray

Blimey Charlie! It's Bob 'Oskins as everyones favourite monotone cockney midfielder, Ray Wilkins. Watch as Ray overcomes his baldness and shortness to become the seventh best holding midfielder QPR ever had in the mid 90s! Then marvel at his reinvention as an ironic Italian football commentator. Wotcha!
Cast - Bob Hoskins, Big Ron
Greatest line - "Well James, I cant believe Sampdoria are two nil down"
Pauls Comments...
Ah, this takes me back to Ipswich v Man Utd in 1982. Alan Brazil scored the winner. Great times.
Final Score: 4/5

Mickey Adams' A Series of Unfortunate Events

Leicester are winning 7-0. So Mickey takes off the entire back line and goalkeeper with a minute to go and replaces them with blind badgers. He also moves Paul Dickov to left back. Leicester lose 8-7.
Pauls Comments...
Brilliant!
Final Score: Leicester 3-4 Wolves

The Limey

Blimey me old china! We better keep our minces peeled and lock up our skin and blisters cos everyone’s favorite Cock-er-ney wideboy Steve ‘Steve’ Guppy is heading for America and he’s going to bring that cheeky Hampshire wit with him. How will the good people of Washington DC take to Stevie’s incomprehensible mumbling/ weird staring eyes/ completely useless drop of the shoulder? My guess is they’ll give him five games before he’s sent packing to Corby Town.
Cast – Terrence Venables, Andy Impey and Simon Pegg as Steve Guppy
Director – Martin O’Neill
Classic Line – “Oi Guppy you f*****g gutless ****!”
Paul’s Comments
Just when you thought this film was going to be 90 minutes of utter shite, it whips in something so unexpected and fantastic that saves the film. It still seems afraid to go in for the tough issues.
Final Score: 3/5

Sophie’s Choice

Pity poor Sophie Jane Crouchman. It’s hard being so clever. Especially when you’re big sister is so popular, and your younger brother is such a super stud who never drinks his own urine. How will Sophie cope with being such a failure and bringing shame onto the famous Crouchman canning dynasty?
Cast – Maggie Gyllenhaal, that bird from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galexy, every other dark haired actress who apparently looks like Sophie.
Paul’s comments…
This is such a tragic film. It can’t be easy being so rubbish compared to such a good looking, intelligent, witty and hygienic sibling. And Laura.
Final Score: 1st Class Degree

Heaven Can Wait

Joe Pendleton is a super striker for the Leicester Foxes, England’s premier soccer team! Unfortunately, tragedy strikes when he is blown up by non denominational religious extremists and passes away before the massive Super Bowl playoff game with the Derbyshire Rams! However, Joe is given a second chance when he possesses the body of a fat, slow, violent Everton player called James. Can Joe convince his old manager Craig Levein (Christie) that he is fit to play in the big match? Will the Foxes win? Is Peter Crouch really worth 7 million quid? Of course he’s bloody not.
Cast – James Beatty, Malcolm Glazer, Julie Christie
Director – James Beatty
Script – James Beatty
All his own football scenes/ clarinet playing/ floppy fringed charm – James fucking Beatty
Paul’s Comments…
Paramount Pictures paid big money for this film, hoping it would push them ahead of their great city rivals Fox, and bring them success in Europe. But it’s just a bit shit really.
Final Score: Leicester Foxes 21-10 Derbyshire Rams

The Man Who Shot Holly Valance

Give him a fucking medal.

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