BREAKING MOVIE NEWS

Socialise with Pukka Pies

Top pie manufacturer Pukka Pies have signed up Demi Moore to endorse their products. Moore commented, “I’ve always enjoyed Pukka pies, especially when going to watch Rotherham United. It’s a dream come true for me to link up with such an esteemed company”.

Great Dane
Are you ready to die?

Channel 4 has come up with a controversial new reality TV series called ‘Danes’ Bacon’. In the show, Claire Danes has 24 hours to convince 13 people (roughly two an hour) that she has a right to carry on living. If Danes fails, she will be crushed to death by a horde of stampeding pigs, who have been electrocuted to make them more volatile. Scientists have estimated it will take about 15 minutes for the actress to slowly die while the crazed farm animals stamp her pretty little head into the ground.

House of Fraser

Hollywood has tonight been stunned after serious allegations were made against both Tim Robbins and Brendan Fraser. While these two famous stars like to cultivate their loveable rogue image, the reality is different. Top Gun star Robbins has been working with Fraser in a company that illegally exports Colombian midgets to Wales, for cheap labour. The midgets are often poorly treated and tortured. The actors have been sentenced to 25 minutes community service in the Norfolk town of Dersingham.

Hoorah!

Let us all rejoice in the news that ‘Dawson’s Creek UK’ is back! In the new series, the characters get their A-Level results. Dawson goes away to college cos, you know, he wants to be a director like. And he loves films and he’s really sensitive. Cunt. There are plenty of issues to resolve. How old is Dawson in real human years? Will he shag Joey? Will Pacey shag Joey? What kind of name is Pacey? And why do they all try to shag Joey when they could have that really foxy blonde one?

Its sensorship!

Director Gary Miserable has been moaning to everyone who will listen about the difficulties of getting his film released. The director has just finished ‘Love in a Carefully Controlled Climate’ with Colin Firth, but he is being frustrated in his search for a distributor. “Some people are trying to sensor this movie, they don’t like the content” he said. “The powers that be don’t want this film to happen”.
Watch this space.

Going Blank Again

After ’24 Hour Party People’, ‘Sid and Nancy’ and ‘Live Forever’, we have the film everyone’s been waiting for, Shoegazing: The Movie!. John Simm will inevitably play someone; after all he is the country’s premier actor/ guitarist/ celebrity indie fan.



Quentin Tarantino’s production company has announced they are going to make a football film set in Newcastle. No, really. This is true.

DOUBLE CONTROVERSIAL!

Celebrity ex-usher James Crouchman has been causing even more controversy with his outspoken views on various cinematic matters. James accused a Star Wars loving, Keira Knightly obsessive of “looking at pictures of his favourite film stars on pornographic websites” and of “never having a girlfriend in his life”. This amazing outburst came after the man called Michael Sheen "ugly and short". James also called the people of Nottinghamshire “crazed inbreds” and claimed that an unnamed Nottinghamshire film star was a "psycho bitch". One man replied “how can coming from Nottingham affect a persons acting ability” before undermining his argument by saying, “look at Samantha Morton”.

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