BREAKING MOVIE NEWS

Confessions of a Dangerous 6th Former

Celebrity cinema usher James Crouchman broke into the closing ceremony of the Berlin International Film Festival and attempted to chat to some film stars. James was in Berlin on a school history trip, however he soon found himself lost in Berlin and "stumbled across the festival by accident". In a daring move, James convinced the stupid German guards that his friend Luke Butcher was infact related to Kate Winslet. Incredibly, this worked and the 6th formers walked into the Potzdammerplatz cinema complex to find themselves amongst such stars as George Clooney, Steven Soderbergh and Spike Jonze. However, just as James was going over to intoduce himself to Mr Clooney, two large bodyguards chucked our heroes out! God damnit Maverick!

Diaz dumped

Cheltenham Town manager Cameron Diaz has been sacked by the clubs board. Cameron had gambled on many big name signings such as the Spanish star Penelope Cruz, but soon found her team in the division two relegation zone. Cheltenham chairman Tricity Bendix said "its a shame we have had to sack Cameron, but the board have a responsiblity to keep this football club in the league. We felt this was a neccasary measure to ensure our safety". Drew Barrymore is being touted as a possible replacement but could be unwilling to leave high flying Rushden and Diamonds.

Wicked Whispers!

Which hunky Irish footballers son/ fuckwit has been enjoying guiness fuled 24 hour sex sessions with David O'Leary and twelve Irish racehorses?
Strange but true fact - I once signed Colin Farrell's father as coach on Championship Manager and he was rubbish.

Oscar Glory?

Stupidly thin person Tara Reid is hotly tipped to win an Oscar for her amazing performance as Dave Basset in 'Van Hoijdonk party liason'. The Oscar judges, which include Davina McCall, praised Reid for the emotional depth she brought to this complex character.

Kate Winslets in the news again.

Titanic star and demon bass player Kate Winslet has split from husband Peter Taylor, just 13 seconds after declaring her undying love for him. Our Kate (she does legally belong to the people of Great Britain) has now moved in with Richard Bacon. Kate has also left the reformed Stone Roses to concentrate on her solo material which she describes as "a mixture of Can, Tom Jones and the Kinks".
Celebrity mentalist Kate Beckinsale is expected to replace Winslet in the Roses.

Welshness unbound

The Welsh Rugby Football Union have taken the unprecidented step of appointing fat bint Catherine Zeta Jones as their new director of rugby. It is hoped that the 'Adventures of Young Indiana Jones' star will revitalise their fortunes. It is also hoped that she may play in the front row as well. To be honest, she'd scare the shit out of me on a rugby pitch.

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