BREAKING MOVIE NEWS

Jen's Marriage Worry

Jennifer Aniston is worried sick about her marriage with Brad Pitt – because he is set to star in a film with sexy Brit actress Thora Hird. Pitt will star in the new series of Stanna Stairlift adverts and shares a number of passionate love scenes with the 91-year-old. Aniston has been telling friends, “this is the last thing I need”.

Reformed Roses Reaction

Reaction has been flooding in about the reformed Stone Roses, with celebrity mentalist/ living A Level course/ Welsh dwarf lover Kate Beckinsale on bass. She joined the classic line up of Brown, Squire and Reni when they played their first gig together since 1990. Roses number 1 fan Andy McQueen was impressed with the new rhythm section. “Her and Reni seemed really tight” he said, “but she struggled a bit with Fools Gold, as expected”. Sarah Graham from Warrington added, “She’s not nearly as mental as I expected”.

ARSE!

Tragedy was narrowly avoided today when paramedics managed to free Nicole Kidman from her own arse, after 7 hours trapped in it. Nicole somehow managed to lodge herself up her grossly overweight behind when talking about how fucking great she is to anyone who will listen.

Interesting, VERY INTERESTING!

Jack Nicholson’s Oscar hopes took a knock today when it was revealed that the ageing actor had crumbled. The disaster happened when the 'Mars Attacks!' Star was touched more than the permitted 17 times a day. On the 18th touch, Nicholson gradually imploded on himself, leaving a pile of human rubble.

Heaven knows he's miserable now

News just in… Neil Morrissey is a cock! This sensational news is exclusive to Pear Harbour, although to be fair it is common knowledge. Helen Baxendale had this to say, “There is no doubt that Neil is a cock. It was strange of him to deny it all this time, but now the truth is out I’m sure it’s a huge weight off his shoulders”.

h'introducin me Hugh Hugh

Tongues were set wagging in London today when Hugh Grant was seen round town with a woman! The mystery brunette could well have been his secret lover, or it may just have been his sister. Especially as she shares the same last name, and the same big nose. Damn.

The event of the year!

It was party time in Leicester Square today at the Premier of new film 'The Life of Michelle Gayle'. All the celebs turned out! There was that pretty, squinty actress whose name escapes me, and the blonde one from New Zealand, and the bloke from Casualty. Is it Casualty? I think he’s married to the Jewish one from All Saints.

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