BREAKING MOVIE NEWS

Tragedy Strikes!

Pear Harbour has just learned of some tragic news; Dame Thora Hird has died of a heart attack after having a stroke. Brad Pitt has denied that he was the one stroking her at the time.

Sacrifice the Jukebox
Is that Neil Lennon?

Celebrities from around the globe have joined together to form a ‘Stop the War’ coalition. Ms Dynamite said, “I believe that if there is a war, some people may die. We can only declare war if we are sure nobody will get hurt”. Political genius George Michael added, “In my opinion, the Middle East is politically unstable”. This writer has another idea: lets get all the innocent civilians that will die in Iraq, bring them over to safety in England, and replace them with all the irritating celebrities we have to listen to every day. Nicole Kidman could be used as a human shield.

Lets all become an obscure celebrity!
"Why is there a crazy Welshman following me around?"

Obscure celebritydom, it’s the new Rock n’ Roll! Michael Sheen, Chris Martin, that guy out of Spacehog, it seems being an ugly nobody with a huge forhead is a sure-fire way of bagging a glamorous film star! More evidence of this has come with the news that Aussie actress Cate Blanchett has hooked up with the ‘Spaced’ star Peter Serafinowicz. The couple were spotted at trendy Kings Lynn hangout ‘The Majestic Cinema’ looking “very intimate” according to one extremely bored and delusional cinema usher.
When asked about the relationship, Serafinowicz commented, "She purrs just like a kitten, she seems to throb with pride, gives you the feeling you've been taken for a ride". A sentiment I'm sure we can all agree with.
Seriously though, its quite good that ugly blokes from Port Talbot and Yorkshire are getting all the top notch birds. Even if they do have different colour skin.

Joel goes fucking mental
Billy Joel loses it big time

Piano man Billy Joel went on a killing spree today, slaughtering 17 people on his path of destruction. The recovering alcoholic seemed to have turned the corner recently, but friends said that this morning he suffered “a major relapse”. Joel picked up a rifle from under his bed and proceeded to murder many innocent civilians while laughing maniacally and on roller-skates.

James' boring personal vendetta

Poor Zoe Ball. She’s torn between her husband Fatboy Slim who she loves dearly, and that ugly DJ bloke. No wonder she’s been looking so harassed recently, the poor girl must be under so much pressure. Meanwhile, filthy love rat Tom Cruise has been out and about with his girlfriend Penelope Cruz. What a two-timing bastard!

More Wicked Whispers
Spot the Irish wanker

Which hunky Irish footballers son/ fuckwit was caught drinking his own urine and fingering himself in a faeces stained hotel bed while watching two midgets perform various sex acts on each other to the tune of ‘The Asphalt Jungle’ by Suede?
Its not James Nesbitt.

Down with the filhty peados
Would you trust a man with that beard?

The crackdown on child porn has gathered pace, and plenty of celebrities are falling fowl to the tough new rules. Michael Douglas has been arrested for once thinking about a young boy without a top on, while police raided the house of Ray Winstone when it was revealed ‘The War Zone’ actor was seen “looking a bit dodgy in a swimming pool filled with school children”. When will this evil ever stop?
Meanwhile, 7 homeless kids were killed yesterday when drunken businessmen thought it would be funny to run them over.

Home fires burn
Not as scary as a date with Stan

Remember to check out the great new reality TV show on Channel 5, I’m a Weapons Inspector, get me out of here!, which sees K list celebs travel to Iraq and try to persuade President Bush that Saddam has no weapons of mass destruction. Ulrika Johnson, Dane Bowers and Mark E Smith will all take part in the first series of the show which begins on Sunday.

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