1) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
2) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
3) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
4) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
5) Always look both ways when running a red light.
6) Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
7) Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
8) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian  ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell obscenities  loudly and chase him back upon the curb.  Pedestrians have no rights.

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
3) Jesus is coming - everyone look busy.
4) Born free... taxed to death.
5) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
6) A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
7)There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
8) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
9) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
10) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
11) I got a gun for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
12) Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
13) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot. ......some parts are missing.
16) Horn broken. Watch for finger.
17) All men are idiots ... I married their king.
18) The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
19) How can I be overdrawn? I still have checks!
20) Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an a**hole.
21) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
22) Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
23) Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
24) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25) Keep honking. I'm reloading.
26) Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.
27) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
28) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
29) Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
30) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...  Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.
31) Lord save me from your followers.
32) God must love stupid people. He made so many.
33) I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
34) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
35) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
36) Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
37) Wink, I'll do the rest!
38) Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
39) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
40) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
50) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
51) Beam me up Scotty. There are no virgins left.
52) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
53) Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
54) 3 kinds of people: Those who can count & those who can't.
55) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
56) 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
57) Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
58) All generalizations are false.
59) Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
60) I brake for no apparent reason.
61) Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
62) He who laughs last thinks slowest.
63) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
64) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
65) Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
66) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
67) The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
68) Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
69) I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
70) Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
71) Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
72) I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a  vegetarian.
73) Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
74) If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
75) When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
76) No radio - Already stolen.
77) Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
78) Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
79) OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
80) Few women admit their age;  Fewer men act it.
81) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
82) Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
83) IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
84) Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
85) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
86) According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
87) Pride is what we have.  Vanity is what others have.
88) How can I miss you if you won't go away?
89) Warning:  Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
90) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
91) We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.
92) Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
93) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
94) I souport publik edekashun.
95) There are 3 kinds of people:  those who can count & those who can't.
96) Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
97) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
98) Caution:  I drive like you do.

1) I can't reach my liscence unless you hold my beer. (Okay in Texas)
2) Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3) Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4) Hey, you must've been doing 125mph just to keep up.  Good job!
5) Are you Andy or Barney?
6) I thought you had to be in relatively good condition to be a police officer?
7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8) I pay your salary!
9) Do you know why you pulled me over?...Ok, just so one of us does.
10) Great officer! That's Terrific!  The last officer only gave me a warning too!
11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.  That's how far ahead of me they are!

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