Notes:
Sailor Moon isn't
mine, and I'm making no money with this story. Don't sue me.
Wow! I can't believe it. This makes the third time I've broke my Personal Rules for Fanfic Writing. If you've read my Sailor Moon story "Enough of Me," then you should be familiar with said rules, but here's a refresher: I don't write about the main couple (ie, SerenaxDarien) and I don't write straight song fics. "Enough of Me" breaks both rules, as does my Gundam Wing story, "Tell Her This," about Relena and Heero. This story, too, breaks those rules, being from Darien's point of view about Serena and featuring the song "Through the Floor" by Edwin McCain.
Speaking of Edwin McCain... the gorgeous song I've used for this story is from his second album, Misguided Roses, and is the bonus track at the end of "Holy City." GO get this CD!!! It's sooooo good. If you don't like Edwin McCain because you don't like "I'll Be," then you don't know Edwin McCain. With the exception of "Solitude," his singles are my least favorite of his songs. Trust me!
Back to the story. It takes place right before Stars. Darien is about to leave for America, and this is all about what he's thinking. I've never seen the ep before, so bear with me. Also, I use the Japanese names. Why? I don't know. I meant to type "Serena" and typed "Usako" instead. I figured that was a sign and left it.
Anyway... enjoy the story and tell me what you think!
I wake with a start,
the sunlight coming through my bedroom window hot on my face and chest.
I'm soaked with sweat, and the sheets are sticking to me uncomfortably.
I shake my head quickly and push my wet black bangs off my forehead, all
the while thinking, Please, Kami-sama, no more nightmares! Haven't
I had enough nightmares to last ten lifetimes?
But then the thought
fades, the room fades, and an image of my Usako appears before me.
Her eyes are so blue, as blue as the sea, as sapphires, as the sky at noon,
and when she looks at me with her beautiful, azure gaze I know that I will
never love anyone as I love her. She looks at me and I can feel,
glowing from her, the love she has for me. I don't believe it will
ever fail to amaze me that Usako loves me, Chiba Mamoru.
"Bathed in sunlight,
Woke from dreams
of murderous intention,
Pursued by men
and dogs and things I'm just too scared to mention.
And the first thing
that I think of are her sympathetic eyes
That see with only
positive emotion."
She has no idea how
beautiful she is, how sweet and loving and strong. Sure she has her
crying jags, but those aren't really Usako, the true Usako. I wish
she could see herself the way I see her, the way I've always seen her.
She's not a crybaby, though she cries. She's not a klutz, though
she falls. She's not a glutton, though she eats. She is, quite
simply, Tsukino Usagi, in all her perfect imperfection. I would have
her no other way.
I wish I could stay.
I wish she could come with me. I wish I'd never heard of Harvard
University. I wish time could stop and Usako and I could spend forever
together with no worries of America or monsters or future children.
"And she talks of
being grumpy,
But grumpy's not
her style.
And I soak up all
her beauty,
'Cause I'm only
here a while."
I'm in the bathroom
by this time, staring at myself in the mirror as I wash my face and brush
my teeth. I wonder if I'm crazy for going to the other side of the
world and leaving Usako and, for that matter, the other senshi alone.
What if she needs me? What if they need Tuxedo Kamen?
Who am I kidding?
They don't need me or my alter ego, not nearly as much as I need them and
theirs. Usako, Sailormoon, Serenity... she is the completion of all
of me: Mamoru, Tuxedo Kamen, Endymion.
"I muddle through
my docket;
And nestle in the
pocket.
I just sit back
and think about the world.
And the only thing
I see when she's looking back at me
Is the promise
of how life could be."
After much deliberation
and consideration over Usako's abhorrence of reading, I've decided to write
her a letter. She needs to know how I feel about her, and that this
decision to go to America was not an easy one. I don't want to leave
her, but I have to, and she needs to know why.
It's so hard to know
that you don't deserve the woman who loves you. I've hurt her so
much, in so many ways, and yet she's never given up on me. Gods,
if only I could come up with some way to make this parting easier.
I don't want to hurt her, and yet I know I will, I know I already have!
There's a part of
me that wishes I hadn't been so stupid at the beginning, those days before
I knew she was Sailormoon, those days when I used any excuse to run into
her, but then spent the time taunting her and making her cry. And
then, of course, there was the time I listened to the dreams of disaster
from my future self. What had possessed King Endymion to do such
a thing? And what had possessed me to listen to him?
"And as I wrote
my chest got tight for her;
I know that I'm
not right for her.
I couldn't live
if I ever caused her pain,
But at least I
have a message that I can leave
That tells her
of this spin inside.
My gears turning,
I'm still learning
to trust myself,
But at least I've
told her of this difficult goodbye..."
I check the clock,
realizing that there are only a few minutes before I have to meet Usako
at the airport. Grabbing my bags and the letter, I hurry to the door
of my apartment only to stop in panic. Suddenly I can't breathe,
and I begin to wonder if I'm going to faint.
Oh, Usako, Usako!
How can I leave you? How can I be away from you for an entire year?
How will I live without you?!
When did things change?
When did I become so dependent upon her? And, more than that, when
did I stop caring about being dependent upon her? I hope the
letter will be enough. I hope she'll understand how I feel.
I hope she knows that I'll be thinking about her every minute we're apart,
and that I won't be able to take a breath without saying her name.
"Seven minutes before
I'm leaving,
And now my chest
is heaving.
I just can't go
like I did before,
And tomorrow I'll
be miles away and dreaming
That she hears
my voice floating through the floor."
I'll call her every chance I get. I'll write her as often as possible. I'll fall asleep every night whispering her name over and over, counting Usakos rather than sheep. Every night, just before I slip under, I'll tell her that I love her. And every night she will hear me, and then she will know.
"And tomorrow I'll
be miles away and dreaming
That she hears
my voice floating through the floor...
Through the floor...
That she hears
my voice...
Tomorrow I'll be
miles away and dreaming
That she hears
my voice floating through the floor."
End