The House On Haunted Hill
Directed by William Malone
Story by Robb White
Screenplay by Dick Beebe
Starring Geoffrey Rush, Famke Janssen, Taye Diggs, Peter Gallagher, Chris Kattan, Ali Larter, and Bridgette Wilson
96 minutes. Rated R. Original aspect ratio: 1.85:1. 1999
Gallagher, Diggs, Kattan, Larter, and Rush    I am not the type of person who has trouble admitting when he's wrong. If I express an opinion or an idea about something that later turns out to be wrong, I will have no problem saying I was incorrect. I was coerced by my friends into seeing The House On Haunted Hill. I was expecting a really terrible film, but I went in with an open mind, completely ready to like the film and admit that I was wrong.
    Still, it's nice being right.
    Actually, it's not, because eight dollars and 96 minutes of my life are gone forever. Why, oh why did I let myself get talked into seeing that film? And by saying "film," I don't mean to imply that it was in any way a respectable piece of art or anything remotely approaching a watchable movie. I say "film" because that's what it was shot on. Which is too bad, because film is expensive. They should have shot it on something closer to the quality of the movie itself, like say, toilet paper.
    It's the writing. I don't know what attracted talented actors like Geoffrey Rush (Academy-Award winning Geoffrey Rush!!!), Taye Diggs, or Ali Larter to a script this bad, but they're the only entertaining parts of this film. Geoffrey Rush plays this ridiculous role as an amusement park owner who likes scaring people with an enormous amount of gusto, virtually chewing up the lavish set. And Taye Diggs and Ali Larter are talented and charming enough to bring some relief to this characterization-deprived (it's fun to make up new terms) romp through a haunted insane asylum, but not much. And sure, Larter, Famke Janssen, and Bridgette Wilson are easy on the eyes. But I would have rather seen ugly people in a good film rather than attractive ones in this piece of work.
Ali Larter and Peter Gallager look at the not-quite dead Famke Janssen    As I said, it's the writing. The basic story isn't bad, but that's just because they lifted it from the Shirley Jackson novel The Haunting of Hill House, on which the film The Haunting was based. But the way in which it's executed, having Rush's character (rather unsubtly named Stephen Price) bring these people together into this house in order to throw a scary birthday party for his wife is not only stupid, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Nothing the characters do in this film makes a whole lot of sense. Nothing the writers do makes a whole lot of sense either. The film is filled with gaping plot holes and just isn't very scary at all. There are a couple "boo!" moments, but that's a cheap way to get a scare out of the audience. Other than a couple fun moments towards the beginning of the film, the plotting and the dialogue in this film just stink horribly. I know I said the basic idea wasn't bad, but what they did with it is just unforgivable.
SNL's Chris Kattan    The directing can't save the film either. Malone makes a couple attempts at interesting camera angles or editing techniques, but nothing really stands out as anything but gimmicky and contrived. He didn't even bother to shoot the film in the much more dramatic 2.35:1 aspect ratio, opting instead for the less dynamic 1.85:1 ratio. Between that and someone who's just not very skilled or experienced behind the camera, the film has a bland, uninteresting feel to it. The directing does absolutely nothing to contribute to any tension. In fact, there is no tension in the film. There's a half-hearted attempt towards the end, but seeing as how we really don't know enough about any of the characters to give a damn whether they live or die, it's not terribly tense.
    Did I mention the writing sucked? There are so many people in this film plotting to kill one another that it's terribly convoluted. It's not confusing, just messy, way too messy for a film this short. And the "do they love each other or don't they?" conflict between Price and his wife (Janssen) is obnoxious. I rejoiced when they died (and I'm usually loathe to give any plot points away, but in this film it's fairly obvious within ten, fifteen minutes that Larter and Diggs will be the only survivors).
    And damnit, I like Ali Larter! She did wonderful work in Varsity Blues and Drive Me Crazy. And Taye Diggs was terrific in Go, and I'm told in How Stella Got Her Groove Back. What are they doing in this film, let alone an Academy-Award winning actor?!?
    The only positive experience I took away from seeing The House On Haunted Hill was that I was right. Which is cold comfort indeed.
    Bottom line: Could have been good, if they'd kept it simple and had fun with it. Unfortunately, the plot is completely convoluted and the film takes itself waaaay too seriously.
    My grade: F+
    My advice: If someone tells you they liked this film, never trust their opinion of a film again.
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