Wild Wild West
Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld
Story by Jim and John Thomas
Screenplay by S. S. Wilson, Brent Maddock, Jeffrey Price, and Peter S. Seaman
Starring Will Smith, Kevin Kline, Kenneth Branagh, and Salma Hayek
107 minutes. Rated PG-13. Original aspect ratio: 2:35.1. 1999
The movie poster! Yay!    I wanted so badly to like this movie. I love the cast, I love the director, and I love the idea of an 80-foot mechanical spider spitting out fireballs at the command of a legless Kenneth Branagh. Sadly, the aforementioned spider was just about the only good part of this waste of celluloid.
    I blame the script. What else can I blame? Certainly not the top-rate cast, and certainly not Sonnenfeld (Men In Black, Get Shorty). But the obviously patched-together script (two people for the "story" and four for the actual screenplay??) just falls flat on it's face. The dialogue is tired, the plot is simple, the "gimmicks" are contrived (as are the action sequences), the villain is stereotypical, and the girl (Hayek) is completely and utterly pointless. As other reviewers have pointed out, she didn't even need to be rescued! She just sort of says "go get 'em, guys" and watches as Will and Kevin fly after the big nasty spider on a flying bicycle. Oh, and the attempt at "tenderness"? (Jim West was apparently raised by Indians and watched his parents murdered by a mystery man who turns out to be - gasp! Who would have guessed? - Dr. Loveless) Laaaaaaaame. It provoked laughter in both me and the person I saw the movie with because it was so absurd and cliched, we thought West was joking.
    Even with a lame story, the action sequences could have been impressive, but the script ruins those too. They feel contrived and tired, with stereotypical henchmen, and it seems almost as if Sonnenfeld knew they were lame and ridiculous, and just wanted to get them over with.
    You'd think Warner Bros. would have taken the hint after last year's The Avengers dive bombed. Maybe now they'll stop trying to remake old television shows, or at least when they do try remakes, hand the writing assignment to someone who's going to do justice to the source material. I haven't seen either series, but I'm told they're impressive. They must have been, to attract not only the studios, but the great actors as well.
    But Will? Kevin? Ken? Salma? Be a little more discriminating in what you star in, huh? I wasted eight bucks because of you.
    Bottom line: The only good parts are the big mechanical spider and Will Smith's song "Wild Wild West," both of which are readily available on the trailer.
    My grade: D
    My advice: Don't wait for video. Wait forever.
Get the movie poster!