| "Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get
them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm
squash or something ..." |
" I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all
the little children jump up and down run around yelling and screaming. They
don't know I'm only firing blanks |
| "Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech
therapy." |
"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it
to gnaw through the leather straps." |
| "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night'
'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'." |
"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady
take your purse." |
| "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when
you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil." |
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." |
| "When I wake up in the morning, I just can't
get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..." |
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting
quite soggy." |
| "How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise
my hand." |
"I was in a bar the other night, hopping from
barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them." |
| "I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks
to the exterminator." |
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass
away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote." |
| "I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I
found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught lesson." |
"I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless
driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... re-election to the Senate?" |
| "You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I
take that back." |
"People always ask me, "Where were you when
Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi." |
| "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school
until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life." |
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night
for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." |
| "I'm a great lover, I'll bet." |
I got some new underwear the other day. Well,
new to me." |
| "I was the kid next door's imaginary friend." |
"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked
into an alleyway and lost him." |
| "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was
no match for me at kick boxing." |
"My classmates would copulate with anything
that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." |
| "My mother was like a sister to me, only we
didn't have sex quite so often." |
"I was with this girl the other night and from
the way she was responding to my skilful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes." |