Sketch (by Adam and Fraser) INT – CAR SHOWROOM – DAY    CUSTOMER Is this where I can buy the greatest car in the world? SHOPPIE Yes..here’s one SHOPPIE produces a banana and pushes it along the table. He makes car noises    CUSTOMER   But..it’s a banana    SHOPPIE   It’s original.    CUSTOMER   Where am I gonna sit? SHOPPIE produces a legoman which he attaches to the banana using blu tak.    CUSTOMER   But..I’m not that small.    SHOPPIE Well..why don’t you take it for a test drive? CUSTOMER stands on it, it squashes. SHOPPIE Oh…that was my best model. The others aren’t ripe yet. CUSTOMER Well…I’d better be off then. SHOPPIE        (stopping him) What about this model…it’s larger. SHOPPIE points to a cardboard box with the words ‘greatest car in the world…ever…part two’ on it.    SHOPPIE   Get in    CUSTOMER   Now what    SHOPPIE Well…you’ve gotto use your imagination. It’s not as simple as the last model. It’s a step up…more complex you see.   CUSTOMER Do you have any other colours   SHOPPIE Yeah, yeah, you can have any colour you want so long as it’s brown.   CUSTOMER What? No red?   SHOPPIE Yeah, yeah read. Brown red. Brown. It’s a convertible you know?   CUSTOMER Yes…where’s the roof?   SHOPPIE Oh…I had to take it off. The present owner stored a bunch of baked beans in it and I needed to take them out you see. Actually came in quite handy.   CUSTOMER         (not bothered) Really…how?   SHOPPIE Well I ate them. Long silence.   CUSTOMER I don’t believe you. I thought you were a reputable businessman. My friend bought his car from here and now I know why he’s the laughing stock of the office. You’re demented! It’s a bleeding piece of cardboard. It’s hardly the greatest car on the earth.   SHOPPIE It holds the land speed record.   CUSTOMER What? Maybe in your demented little head. I mean… CUSTOMER picks up a plantpot. …what’s this?   SHOPPIE Limited edition Queen LP CUSTOMER picks up shoe from floor.   SHOPPIE Careful…that’s precious. CUSTOMER throws it on the floor. FX: smashing sound. CUSTOMER looks confused (if he can actually act)   SHOPPIE OK…OK…this is the supreme model. SHOPPIE takes CUSTOMER to a cupboard. Inside there is a wing mirror. Revving sounds. CUSTOMER walks out. SHOPPIE parks the cupboard. A knock at the door. It’s SANTA     SANTA You fixed my sleigh yet? SHOPPIE gives him a plate.